BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Doomed relationship..

I totally second what Random says, Jennifer - he's still very young for a dad, and it was his choice to be with you! Don't feel bad about his situation, focus on your own. It's not like you forced him to be with you, and you sound (as do all the women on here, interestingly...) very mature, sensible and thoughtful.

Linda, this forum is for people supportive of the childfree choice. Personally I don't consider comments like "good job your mother didn't think the same way" supportive but maybe it is just me, at least you appear to be supportive of your own children's choice. Mind you, I never got the whole "good job your parents didn't think that way" kind of comment because it simply wouldn't matter if they had. We wouldn't know we didn't exist LOL. No harm, no foul. Actually I suppose it would matter to the earth as it would be less overpopulated, maybe more of our parents should have thought that way?

[quote=Random]Linda, this forum is for people supportive of the childfree choice. Personally I don't consider comments like "good job your mother didn't think the same way" supportive but maybe it is just me, at least you appear to be supportive of your own children's choice.[/quote] [b]Random[/b] and [b]RosieM[/b] Thank you for your polite words, their very much appreciated. I agree with Random above though. Though I'm uncertain how "good job your parents didn't think that way" and "you were a child once" are valid arguments against being child-free. I know I'm far from the brightest crayon in the box. Yet I get "you were a child once" a lot, I'm not certain how that is connected to not having children truthfully.

Mercedes, I love the description of your boyfriends attitude to women and kids - it's so true for a lot of men, and one which I have always avoided. You know deep down what is right for you, and if he says you will split because of the kid problem, then I wouldn't want to stay personally. I don't know if you live together, but on a practical note, if you do, think FINANCES ! Think about the separation before you do it, and put any bank accounts etc in order before any bad feeling arises. On an emotional level, I would want to split sooner rather than later, to give you both time to find a partner you really want - and the kids issue is the biggest there is, and will NEVER be resolved if you both feel so differently. Good luck, and as always, stay strong.

I'm totally with Gaynor on this, the more I think about it the more you need to get things in order so you don't lose out financially if/when such a split occurs. Mercedes, I totally agree about "you were a child once" because by all accounts I was a well-behaved child for those times never mind compared to today's kids. Of course child development means we all have our terrible twos, that's part of our growing and learning process, but I was in choirs, orchestras (through choice) and various youth groups and my parents could take me not only to restaurants but to classical concerts and I knew how to behave. No-one objects to well-behaved, loving children, our objection is to all the brats out there that we pick up the cost for (either their actual living or reparation for their bad behaviour) yet we got no say in them being born!

Mercedes, I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I can only imagine how hard it is to leave, but I agree with the others that sooner is going to be better than later. Read through the threads on this forum of so many women in the same boat as you- Cassie's story is one of them. Not agreeing on whether or not to have children is a major dealbreaker- I don't see how you can reach a compromise unless one of you "gives in" which usually means resentment down the road. I also would have MAJOR issues with a guy who thinks the main purpose in one's life is to breed and that a woman is "abnormal" for not wanting to. From what you've written, it sounds like he wants kids, but is fine leaving all the work to you. If I have this right, it sure doesn't sound fair! Furthermore, as an animal lover, having anyone tell me it's "abnormal" to be so devoted to my animals would really chap my hide and make me want to kick him to the curb. (By the way: they ARE sentient beings and he needs to look up the word in the dictionary.) Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh towards him and I'm sure he has many nice qualities, but I see this as a fundamental incompatibility.

I married a lovely man. We agreed before we got married that we did not want to have our own children but instead would adopt, if we could. We've since spent the last year discussing having our own. I was a little concerned what his reaction would be if I just flatly said I didn't want to (and don't even think I should, health-wise) but once I finally just expressed myself, he was okay. Thank God. I really don't think he would leave over that but I don't want him to be miserable either. We are still considering adoption but we have some challenging circumstances and I'm not sure how I feel about trying to bring any child into our life now. Maybe in a year or two... MAYBE. As time goes on, I find myself more interested in being CF for life. (See post "My Brother's Kids")

As a moderator i need to step in here and mention to Linda that Random has it completely correct. This is specifically a child-free support forum area. It is inappropriate to make comments here that are not supportive of that choice. You can certainly speak your opinion in that manner in the Moms forums here at BellaOnline, but this forum is a sanctuary for people looking to connect with others who are happy to be childfree and supportive of the frustrations the child-free experience. Thank you.

When I married my husband of 15 years, we agreed, no children. It's not that we don't like them, we just didn't want that aspect of our family life. I was an only, and he was the last of nine. We have enjoyed nieces, nephews, and grandchildren from a first marriage. But, we have NO regrets about having no children.We donate to angels, where we buy a gift or two for less fortunate children and seniors, we have donated to feed children in other countries. If either party is feeling like they might want to be a parent, talk it out. If both are not in agreement, separate now. Don't waste your time in a relationship where you don't see your family structure in the same way. We love our dog, environment, and each other, because we have a mutual view of what we wanted for ourselves. Hope this helps.

I have to concur. Couples can work through a lot of difficulties--financial, sexual, addictions, whatever--but the kids/no kids issue is a deal-breaker! There is no compromise on this one; parenting is a 100% full-time long-term commitment (contrary to the way so many people treat it).

If you know you are on opposite sides of this fence, it is best to go your separate ways now. You can remain friends, you can continue to be part of each other's lives, you can still love each other, but you can't forge a permanent partnership.

My $.02 anyway,
Maria