BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Hi I am new

Hello I am new...I googled to find a forum becasue I knew about forums but never thought there would be one like this... I am 35 I have been in a abusive relationship for 15 years. 2 years ago the medical report said I was hurt bad....I look at it and think it was all made up that the injuries didn't exist..I am thinking it is becasue its to hard for me to deal with. He ended up coming back after the bail order and charges was dropped by me ...I feel very stupid like a weak person . He does not hit now but what is worse is the emotions and way he treats me. I am on college online I have my associates degree , and am working on my bachelors now. I feel like a looser becasue I got it it criminal justice of all things.I am scared to even hit post on this...becasue it makes me aware my life is not good.I have browsed some of the posts here . They make me cry becasue I see how other people feel the same way. Last night something happened that made me feel horrible...He said that he should leave ....I said I never asked him to come back...so he stormed out and slept in his truck...I wish he would have went away farther...

and I have left him before...I am in a rural part of the state...I went to some shelters and It was so bad I sent the kids back home..a few of the others mothers did drugs, and robbed me and let their kids slap my kids who were infants at the time....Sadly my state has [censored] resources for DV survivors there were no staff in these safe houses, and when they did come to visit they stayed for about an hour and had to divide that hour into 6 or more family's . I dont know what was worse taking abuse at home , or taking abuse at a place where I was supposed to be running from abuse... I think that we do need more programs with better support up here becasue it can make a huge difference when any woman or man needs help and wants to leave

Oh, god. I honestly don't know what to say. I luckily was able to find the resources to escape on my own, and not have to subject myself or my children to any type of influence other than my own. I think that if I would have known that the environment would have been like the one you described, I would have kept them at home until we had a safe escape. However, you were in danger, and the most important thing is to get you out of that danger and sometimes, we don't know the exact situation that we're walking into. All we know, is that it is better than our current one. Stay strong and find your supports. Actively look for a situation that is more ideal than your current one. If you need help, ask for it!!!! Don't try to do it on your own. You will get out of this! I am sending you positive thoughts!!

Oh, Kerri I hope you check back.

I was in a rural part of my own state when I was going through mine as well. You are right. Not only were there little resources, but they were primarily run or nudged i should say by the local politicians which meant...

Whatever and however their township stood, that's what you could expect to find as their rock. In my case, grief it's been so long and that's how much difference they make in the real world...but it was some religious group where the men made all the money and the women wore their hair up in buns and it wasn't Amish. Personally, I have a fond kindredshp for the Amish.

Anyway, the politics and money ran through the farms and people all knew eachother and got elected and belonged to the same church.

So, if you were a strong woman...you pretty much were in a town that spat at you to the side while they gave you the time of day. Sheer ignorance...

I had no idea shelter were that poor and the one that was suggested to me was one you had to call ahead for because it was empty and no party was there to administer the place. you had to hand over your paychecks in agreement in advance and wait for a call back to see if some farm housewife was there to open the doors for you.

I don't trust anything anymore but for my own willpower.

You did find a great site, The owner is beyond wonderful and down to earth! The people here are very welcoming and share the heart on their sleeve.

Please let us know if we can help.