BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Distant Husband

I could use a little pick me up and outside perspective. I'm too close.

My husband is changing/distant. There's a woman interested in him at his work. I'm not used to this. I know everyone is doing it, but I don't do it. I don't flirt with other women's husbands and hadn't even contemplated being with someone else. I know there's porn and open marriages, my ex husband was just gross in his hang up with that. I was really uncomfortable with it.

This woman from his work texts him at all hours 2:00 am 3:30 am. Calls him to wake him up for work. It's sick and inapropriate. I've spoken to him about it. In fact, 3 months ago, I walked past a woman and told my husband, I don't know who that woman is, but she's going to be trouble here in the near future. He didn't even know her then and she hadn't started her stuff. Sure enough 3 months exactly here it is. I felt it, I knew it and I know men need visuality. They are visual creatures.

I did tell him how I felt and he said he wasn't interested in this person. I believe that and nothing has happened. She's living with het boyfriend and has a small child. She's encouraging my husband to leave as well as my husband's family.

We lost everythng 2 years ago and we're just now getting on more solid ground. But he's sick of it. Sick of having little money and living where we do and it feels like all of that is going right to me. I don't know. It feels like he just associates his unhappiness with me.

Spiritually, I find myself compelled to feel guilty and trying to fix everything. Be extra patient and care taking. That makes me feel pathetic actually. I feel if I don't try to fight for for my husband, that's risky and by fighting for it, when I see little enthusiasm on his part. He still uses the terms we and us and calls me hon, but It's like it doesn't bother him as much that she's doing this. It hurts me very much.

If this is what he wants, I mean I know my self worth and I know this woman is pretending to be something she's not. Like she pretending litterally to be the "other wife". I don't now how to act adn especially these days people seem to think it's not a big deal but it's a big deal to me. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill and put even more pressure on my husband. He gets overwhelmed easily.

It�s hard but try and keep your chin up. I`M like you when i�m married then i�m married period. No flirting, nothing end of story. If the desire is there to be with someone else then this is not good. Then i always sayin my own relationships, if you want to be with someone else it�s time for us to part, because your feelings are not completely there for me. I do give it some time though and don�t react that fast to see how it develops our situation. You will see and feel if he is being dishonest to you. Know matter how hard times are you don�t need a dishonest hubby.

Listen carefully, Elleise: You're in a precarious position. How you play your part will affect the outcome.

An insecure, stressed or unhappy man seeks relief and reassurance. If it doesn't come from his marital relationship, he will be very vulnerable to a passing woman who offers it. I'm not saying that the insecurity, stress or unhappiness come from you. It often comes from work or other areas of life, but if the marriage is not a refuge from the stress, he will seek refuge elsewhere.

Here are some important things to remember:

1. Don't give him any reason to run to anyone else. No unpleasantness, no pressure at home. Don't argue about this other woman. It's ok to mention that you are uncomfortable with her and consider her a threat to your marriage, but don't become the shrew that he wants to run from. A tempted man will find any excuse to play around. Too many of these men will use a nagging wife at home as the reason.
2. He might be feeling flattered that another woman is interested in him. It makes him feel young, desirable, manly again. Be sure he feels that way with you so he doesn't need it from someone else.
3. Try to find ways to laugh and have fun together. Be the young couple you were when you first met. Life isn't all about responsibilities. It is about enjoying your time here while you're here.
4. Be calm but firm. You have every right to object to another woman texting your husband in the middle of the night. For heaven's sake, how would he like it if another man was texting you at all hours? Or at any time? Nothing might have happened--yet--but it is clear what her intentions are. She wants him to leave you? Wha-? What in the world is he doing keeping in touch with her? If he values his marriage to you at all, he must stop any connection with her.

If he is feeling distant, he might be contemplating an affair with her. You can discuss this with him as married adults. I'd ask him without any accusatory tone, "Is this what you want?" He needs to examine his life and his true wants. You're right to say that this woman isn't what she seems and isn't what he thinks. She has a boyfriend and a child and is flirting with a married man. Does he really think that this type of woman is capable of a trusting, loving, *real* relationship? Some men are so naive and egotistic that they believe that women are cheating with them because they must be *so* desirable. They don't realize that these women don't find any man special. They jump from relationship to relationship.

Reaffirm *your* relationship with him by reminding him of your love, trust, loyalty and the years of being true partners that get through anything together. That type of love requires years of proof and you've proven yourselves.

If he leaves, is it because he no longer loves you or because he just wants some quick relief from the pressures of your current living standards? Does he think that a life with a cheating, single mother will be better?

Tell him that if your current life/marriage is unsatisfactory, you can work on a new life path together. Even if that means moving to another state, a new job, etc.

I must tell you that I feel he is absorbing a lot of negative energy from your neighborhood. There is a very low vibrational energy there and he is being influenced by it as he does not have the strength to withstand it. In fact, this negative energy in your area is not going to change based on a few people with positive energy. It will take considerable amounts of intentional and focused healing energies--and it is not going to take place soon enough.

You two need to change your environment now. You will be chewed up and spit out. When the goldfish get sick, you change the water. Please find a way to relocate to a place with more positive energy.

You can find a better living situation because you are vibrating at that level. Be positive. Be grateful. Feel joy. Share your love. You will find a place where you both can breathe and have hope for a better future. (It might even be a large, beautiful house owned by an elderly woman from whom you rent rooms and help with the caretaking of the property.)

Lori has a lot of good points and so does Flower. Personally, if this woman continues to come after your husband and he does not put a stop to it, I would strap on my six's and march over to her and tell her to back off and hit the road. Then turn to your husband and say, "Well -- what is it you want in life? Because I am going to fly and be happy. With or without you!"

Yes -- that is extreme. But, there comes a time when one must get angry at the situation and stand up and say this is what I want for us -- what do you want?

You know I feel I have all of my, what does Phyllis call them, Sisters of spirit? in my Soul.

I do remain calm and I have asked is this what he wants. I've also made it a point to purchase a gym pass for him across the road so he can spend some of his energy over there, it's open 24/7 and he has a pass key.

I'd rather he spent his time there than with, I don't know, people who tend to live vicariously and expect a pleasant outcome. Its not judging, it's just I can't see a hpapy ending going out with a married man...many women do this where he works and they are sad the man doesn't leave their wives and come to my husband to make sense of it. I understand his compassion to help so I don't want to take that away from him. It makes him feel good.

I have offered just a little advice and that was not to get too close. If they know he is there like the gym 24/7, they will feel no fear in living a risky lifestyle.

I just don't know. I know I don't want to add to his unhappiness. I get that. I've always been supportive of whatever he wants to do, always.

I know the light he has. The person that has this type of light, you know, it's like that light out on the back porch that birds or insects can't help but be attracted to. That's the light that brought us together because we hadn't met anyone outside of ourselves that had it.

It's not that they aren't out there, it's just one of those things where the people that do have that light are usually spread out and we just happened to walk smack dab into eachother.

I knew a guy like that once. Several years ago. He just naturally attracted people to him without even trying. Everyone felt they could talk with him. He was very compassionate and open to other people's thoughts and concerns. He was easy to talk with.

Everyone has offered great advice here. It is a really challenging situation to be in. You don't want to be a doormat. You don't want to subjugate all your own feelings and dreams just to keep him happy. That won't work long. But on the other hand, if you go hard core and start banning him from ever talking to anyone and becoming a dictator, it's likely to make him rebel and say "oh yeah I can do what I want" and it gets even worse. You want *him* to make that decision in his own head, to resist this harlot

I agree with the others that you are in a toxic environment and it is hard to fight off that environment all day long. It wears you down and you start to make less than great choices. So let's see if we can work on two goals for you.

First, let's try to find your husband a better job. He can have more money, a better group of coworkers, and be away from this woman. That would solve a number of issues at once.

Then along with that, let's find you a better neighborhood. One that has healing locations for you both, where you are being encouraged towards peace and serenity.

For example, imagine Bob and I had a fight. Imagine I'm all stressed about it. I can walk out onto my back porch, with the flowers and the birds, and close my eyes, and try to find some peace. I can reset myself, to handle the situation better. But what if I went onto my back porch and there were people screaming and dogs barking? It would be nearly impossible for me to find a healthy center - and things would just get worse.

You seem nice, I am a man and I am married, I would never allow some bimbo to text me in the middle of the night out of respect for my wife. Your acting like your husband is the Victim and you are the Rescuer and he will turn on you and he will be the prosecuter back to you if you dont put your foot down. We all have bad times in marriage and life and that is the test to make you closer and stronger. Believe in yourself and leave the poor me to the wimps.Its OK to have opposite sex friends as long as they respect your relationship. Good Luck my Dear

Please go and get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass which specifically deals with co-worker relationships that cross boundaries. It will help you understand. I read it too late. Much, much too late. I see so many red flags in your statement that others who haven't been through it wouldn't see. Is it okay to have opposite sex friends? Sure, as long as they are 'friends of your marriage'. Is this woman a friend to your marriage? Start with that question.

it is very difficult to have a distant relationship. To many, it might not work but to other may work. The only thing to work on here is trust..