BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce A should I stay or should I go question....

I got married at 20 (him 18 straight out of high school) after only knowing my husband for 7-8 months. The beginning was a mess bc his family would cause problems for us and my family frequently. They did everything they could to destroy our marriage. About two years ago we moved away from them. We have less contact with them now so are on decent terms, even though I secretly still hate them. In the past year I have begun finding myself attracted to other men. I have been in college and desperately wanted to have that freedom. Then I took a job and we almost never saw each other. For about six months we grew more and more distant to the point of not even wanting to have time together. We started counseling and he's doing better. But at this point I have already lost any feelings for him. I am not attracted to him or in love with him. I love him, but more like a brother. I don't know if eventually I can regain feelings for him, but I don't see how I would. Recently I'd started making friends with a particular man, and I quickly realized I was having an emotional affair. A physical one is well on its way if I continue to be in contact with him. He has openly said that he is falling in love with me, as he knows how I feel about my marriage. There have been many times, even before this love interest entered my life, that I felt ready to leave my husband. But I believe you should try to make your marriage work so I keep putting it off. Now my husband's looking at buying a home and I don't know how to tell him not to put my name on it. I feel like I want to leave, but I don't want this new man in my life to be a factor in my decision. Sorry it's so long. Any advice?

The best thing for you to do is to separate from and divorce your husband before your relationship becomes physical with this other person. I am hoping that you do not have children with your husband, if not, it should go smoothly.

If you do, and you are caught or even suspected of having an affair it could affect your situation very badly.

Also, having a relationship so soon outside of your marriage, is usually a mistake. It might be exciting, but the moment you have a "real life" with the new man, you'll find you're just repeating the past.

Only you know what is the right answer, and I'm not going to judge you one way or the other, but I know that having an affair, or a relationship too soon after your marriage splits up is a recipe for failure at best, disaster at worse.

Ask yourself why you married the man you did. What has changed? What is different from how you thought it would be?

Is your husband generally a good man?

Regardless, if you're not going to commit 100 percent by telling the other man good bye, and by focusing 100 percent on your marriage it won't work.

You got married very young, and it is OK to decide it was the wrong thing to do. It is ok to have made a mistake, but don't make it worse by having an affair.

If you leave, make yourself whole and well without a man, figure out who you are, and what you want from a relationship before moving on.

Best to you.

I've lived a situation similar to yours, so I have some advice. The fact is, we were too young to get married. Our generation is not as suited for early marriage because what is now expected of young people is very different. Before people did everything earlier - work, marriage, children - that was the norm. Now, most people who are say 18 or 19 do not yet have the maturity, experience, or many other tools that such a commitment requires. It sounds to me like you already know what you want to do - and it's what's right for you that ultimately matters, it's your life to live. You do no one a favor by continuing a relationship when you do not have your heart in it. But remember that I am just some lady on the internet. I only have a sliver of the story, I have all the bias that comes from my own experiences, and my advice is served with equal parts salt. And I agree with SLB that you should separate from your husband before you have a physical relationship with this man. I wanted to end my marriage before anything happened, but put myself in a situation that was in-conducive to that goal and slept with another man. The events that followed were terrible, the guilt consumed me, and also the desire for the other man consumed me, and while regret is a wasted emotion, I know that I effed up big time and that there was a better way for me to have gone about things. I don't think that a relationship with this other man is doomed, however. Sometimes we meet people, and while being attracted to them makes us feel guilt, they can also make us realize that we deserve more than what we have made of our lives. That can be a very positive thing. I don't think that you should necessarily end things with him, just don't rush into making him husband #2! If you do decide to have a romantic relationship with him, take it slow. And heal yourself. We all need love and affections from others to survive, but the heart of what keeps us going has to reside in ourselves. If you can manage to get to know this man and still work on self improvement independent of him, I do not see how it is unhealthy. If you find that you have made yourself dependent on him, this is a red flag. At the end of your post, you said you didn't want this man to be a factor in your decision. That struck me as curious. I think that it makes us feel more guilty if we think of it as leaving our spouse for someone else. But it's important to look at things as head-on as you can, don't do yourself a disservice by kidding yourself. Of course this man is a factor! And so are the men that you were attracted to before, and the ones you will be attracted to later. This fact is not going to likely change, so you have to address it. Ask yourself why you are attracted to these people, at what level? This is something that will come up in any monogamous relationship so I think it important to work out, whether you choose to stay with your husband or move on. I wish you the best of luck!

Yes, that's is exactly what happend to me too, and I belive don't make the misstake, because if you and your husband may "lap together" ore fix your marriage, the affair may be a misstake you will regret forever. If not, that you don't want to countinue with your husband, you may end the relationship BEFORE starting anything new. that's the only right thing to do. I separated from my bf, ore we had a distance relationship, and by that time i never though we would be together again, so i had an affair, ocasionally we ended up together again, and it all came up. And i would never have known that it would ave affected our relationship as much as it did. Even if by that time, i never though we would be together (we still 'were' together, ore started to build up something, so) all you can do is learn from your misstake. As i said, i would never knew it would affect my relationship as much as it did, because/even if i thought we would not be together by that time, (in future) ore have what we manage to build up... before it all came up. and destroyed our relationship from scratch, and something fundamental as "trust". if i knew what i knew now, i would never made the same misstake, and i would think and extra time and either end the relationship w the partner so no mistakes comes up later, in the relationship, ore decide to give yourself fully 100% to the marriage w u husband. both parts deserve a fair chance, both you and your husband, what is right "to do". therefore, give him the fair chance to decide aswell what is best. (why you should either tell, and divorce and move on, ore commit 100%to your marriage and try to work out what is wrong, but before ore aslong you do that, don't make any "mistakes") because one will never know what it will cost one in future.good luck

I had a similar situation with my ex and thankfully today we are divorced and I am on my way to being married to someone I love. I married very young and became a parent very young. 8 years and one more child later I found myself feeling trapped. He was addicted to prescription medication and I was studying criminal justice in college. I soon met someone who was stable and had a life plan. I fell in love. My then husband's mother died and his behavior became more erratic and I packed my 2 children and myself and we left. I left and never looked back. Soon after leaving I realized that the relationship with my new guy was not what I wanted either. I just wanted to live! I did just that! For a year I lived! I experienced being young again with my single friends and learned to be me again. Then I met my fiance. I'm confident in this life and I don't feel trapped. My advice to you is to get away and live. Live for you and enjoy life as a single woman and put a relationship on hold until you know what you want. Never settle because it is easiest. Sometimes the best things in life are those that we work hardest to attain.