BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting What to do about the first wife?

I'm newly married with two boys of my own (17 and 14) and two step-children aged 9 and 6. My husband and I suffered through the loss of our marriages both destroyed by the infidelity of our former spouses. Both of our spouses took delight in destroying us mentally and even abusing us physically. Our problem is that my stepkids' mom thinks life is an episode of a sitcom where all the exes get together and are happy friends. She is constantly pushing for social events with my children and hers and her live-in boyfriend's family. I have never met her. We invited her and her significant other for coffee which she rebuffed and transformed into a 'play date' type get-together with all the kids. We did not attend this event. Now, she has invited us through her children to her halloween party this weekend. She lied to her kids and said that she invited me and my husband to coffee but we turned her down. My husband's kids are excited and want us to come, they are too young to understand why it's not a good idea. Just some other background info on this woman: She is a narcissist, has no empathy, has committed crimes to which she was never caught, has several secret identities. She is the type of person that will humiliate someone in public knowing that they are too nice or polite to retaliate. She takes pleasure in breaking others down. If I met her under other circumstances, she would still not be a friend of mine. My reasons for not going to the party are: 1. This is not the time nor the place to meet her 2. I do not want to expose my children to her, just as I would not expose my stepchildren to my ex-husband 3. The home she lives in was my husband's dream home that he was forced to leave in the town that he grew up in. She now occupies it with her lover. I do not want to put my husband through that. 4. Her motives are not pure: she wants to show the kids that we are all 'friends' she is desperate to show the small, conservative community that she lives in that her ex-husband 'approves' of her behaviour. 5. She will likely use it as an opportunity to try to hurt me 6. Her friends are as morally questionable as she is. Many of them encourages her affairs, covered for her etc. I never denigrate her to her children. If they complain about her I try to play the devil's advocate and say "we all have bad days, sometimes" How do we explain to the children why we do not wish to have a friendship with their mother without them feeling caught in the middle, despite their mother putting them there. Obviously, we do not want the children to be exposed to the details of their mother's sordid behaviour but how on earth do we rebuff these requests? Also, do we directly contact the mother and tell her not to send any more invites through the children for anything, that it's inappropriate and unfair? Thanks!

I might be able to offer some interesting insight into your situation as a result of my own very belnded family. I am married to a wonderful man with 2 children aged 4 and 8. The twist is that these children happen to have different mothers. My oldest stepchild has a mom very much like the ex you are dealing with. My youngest stepchild has a wonderful mom whom I have a great relationship with. My 8 year old's mother is manipulative, coniving, selfish and disrespectful of her son's feelings and emotions. My stepson is very aware that his mom doesn't like us and always asks why we don't get along with her. She constantly sends messages through him to us instead of just dealing my husband and continually allows my step son to hear discussions and arguments that are not meant for his ears. We have tried to work things out with her and build a healthy realtionship with her but she is not interested and would rather hate us both. Overall her behaviour has forced my step son to compartmentalize his 2 lives (one with her and one with us) and become an anxious and over sensitive little boy. I feel as though he is at risk for having an ulcer at his young age. On the other hand my step daughter is confident, well adjusted and feels very free to discuss her life at her mom's house when she's at our house. Her mom and I have had dinner together and constantly email and phone back and forth to discuss her well being and my step daughter obviously appreciates the ease of our relationship. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you do not like this woman or would not be her friend in other circumstances, it is my opinion that because of the children that she shares with you and your husband you will always be a part of her life and vice versa. My advice would be to meet her for the sake of the kids and just "grin and bear it". Kids are not as perceptive as you might think since they are very self absorbed. I suspect that they'll just be happy they don't have to worry about it anymore and go about their own business. I know this is probably not what you want to hear and you can take it or leave it. But as a result of my situation I'm able to see the difference it makes when the child doesn't have to worry about their parents getting along. Good luck in your decision, I feel for you and wish that we could also maintain a better relationship with my SS birth mother for his sake.

Thank you for your advice and I do see what you are saying but unfortunately we are dealing with a woman who has a serious mental condition (NPD). All experts in the area advise to have no contact with such individuals as they are unhealthy and dangerous. I have offered to meet her at a neutral location. But I will not attend a dinner party with 4 other couples whom I have never met. I think it takes two people to make an effort at a relationship and her effort would be "what can I get out of this relationship for myself?" She doesn't view anyone (including her own children) as anything more than objects to be used. She has as much love for another human as she does for her toaster. Right now, our efforts are making sure the emotional needs of the kids get met at our house (because they don't at hers) and giving the children the tools to resist her 'gaslighting' attempts. it's very sad when someone manipulates a child. I don't think it's healthy for children to see their parents pretend to be friends. If you are genuinely friends then that is healthy but I don't think a false friendship will work.

The kids don't need you to explain why you choose not to be one big happy family. Your decision is based on what you know not what they know. But maybe you can explain that having two completely separate families is o.k. I think it's important that kids understand that.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years now (almost longer than both my marriages) and we do not get involved with his ex in any way and I too play devils advocate a lot (just like you described).

It is sad to see an adult manipulate kids like that. My boyfriend's ex does it ALL the time and her girls suffer for it so much. The little one said to me the other day "I'm never getting married because all men are pigs" Sounded like her mother talking which is interesting since she was the one who had the internet affair and chose to end her marriage for some guy she barely knew who as it turned out was marrying somebody else (talk about karma).

It's sick and twisted how these women use the kids to boost their egos because they are too selfish to do the work of fixing themselves. It takes courage to be a strong independent woman who deals with her life choices. Most women like that don't have it so they use the kids to deal with their issues.

Like you we believe that the kids needs come first so too bad if she doesn't like your choice. You could tell her that you prefer not to be invited but I think that would just start a war. Just keep turning her down via phone. She'll get that you're not playing her little game eventually. It finally worked for us and now we don't get these ridiculous calls at all hours of the night about how she needs to go to the hospital all the time. Don't play her game and your kids will learn how to not play her game too : )

I am a sort of step mum to a little girl aged 2. I met my partner just as he became a father 2 years ago and we are now engaged. His marriage broke down while she was pregnant. Very complicated situation and dealing with an ex who is super controlling and pig headed is so hard to deal with. I have only had known the daughter for the last 6 months as she wouldnt let my partner take his daughter out of her house. Not relevant to domestic violence, its purely for spite. My step daughter is currently in hospital and im not allowed to go to the hospital. I have come to realise that im never going to be apart of this girls life because of the spiteful nature of the monther. I have to put up with name calling, private investigators looking into our life and not just our life but invasion of my privacy and my past, constant harrassing and abuse. Im not sure what to do about the current situation that i find myself in and im a very emotional person. Has anyone had this experience and how did you keep yourself sane. One point i should make is my poor partner being stuck in the middle of having someone who is so manipulative and someone who just wants the best for their family and to be involved. He does try hard but it is tough as he is bent over a barrel with visitations etc.