BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids He wants kids: What to expect if you stay

sissaphus...thank you so much for your compliments. It means a lot to me, especially now. I am really trying to pull myself emotionally and mentally out of a depressive rut I fell into when my marriage ended this year.

I have a new man in my life (of 8 mos now) and he is the sweetest and most unselfish man I have ever met. Even so, missing my husband and the relationship we once had has kept me down to where I started to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend. There is only so much a man can handle when his woman is depressed over a past relationship, and it has taken me some time to realize that life will indeed go on after a failed marriage and I can be happy even if my dreams have been shattered and my future has been forever changed.

I always felt that I had a great inner strength, I do love very deeply when I'm in love with a man, I am loyal to my family and friends, and I have sensitivity towards other people and animals. I probably have hit one of the lowest points I've ever had in my life in the past few months, and I have felt very weak. It was hard for me to find any strength to grasp on to for quite some time, even with my supportive family, friends, boyfriend, and my counselor.

I feel like I am finally bouncing back and I have a wonderful man in my life that I want to focus on instead of the things I have lost this year (which goes beyond losing a husband, a home, my dogs, etc.). The real me is coming back, and I feel my natural strength starting to come back into my being. Feeling more lighthearted and free will benefit my relationship with my boyfriend as well, so I am going to keep my focus on the positive things in my life the best I can. It is up to me to take control of my emotions, make the most out of my life, and be as happy as I can be. It won't be easy, but I need to find my inner strength to move on.

Your words touched me and made me feel good today. Again, I just want to say thank you.

VirgoGirl...in your first post on this thread you made a list of things to expect if you stay married to a man who wants kids and you don't. Now that my marriage is over I can so relate to #12. I suffered very much financially because of my divorce.

My ex-husband makes decent money but I won't see much of it even though I get a small amount of alimony. I had put my faith in a man to secure my financial future and now I have nothing.....no savings, no retirement, no health insurance, and right now no job due to layoff (and more recently due to depression holding me back from having the energy to look for work). This has kept me down emotionally in the last few months along with the fallout of losing someone I loved.

I would like to pose these questions to any of the ladies out there who are having problems in their marriages due to the issue of whether or not to have a family:

Think about what would happen if you did not have your husband anymore and you were out on your own. Do you have enough money saved up to get you through a transition period after a divorce, and beyond that? Do you have money saved up in case you are not working for any reason, including retirement?

I was nice in court to my ex-husband and did not want to financially ruin him by asking for too much alimony because I knew he had lots of debt. But I made a mistake..... We did not hire attorneys to save money, but instead drew up our own divorce agreement. I did have an attorney look at the paperwork though before I signed anything.

My mistake was not to hire a lawyer and go for all I could get monetarily. Once I was out of the house my ex-husband had his new girlfriend, who brings in a nice fat paycheck, move right in. They have since done house renovations, thrown a big party, and gone to a tropical island for a week. My husband is living the high life now while I try to make ends meet with next to no income coming in.

I am used to living with debt and not having a lot of money, so I can handle a lot of this, but I always thought my ex-husband and I would clean up our financial mess and we'd have a comfortable life together. Now I pretty much have no hope for a decent financial future unless I find homes for my two horses, and they are truly all that I have left after the divorce went down. My horses are my family, and I can't bear the thought of losing them even though financially it is a foolish thing to keep them.

Please ladies....look out for yourselves financially. Prepare for your retirement and for life's events now the best you can. You just don't know what life brings, no matter what situation you are in, good or bad.

Hi Cassie67, I am really touched by your story. You followed your heart by leaving a relationship that was going in a direction you did not want to go. You may be sad and hurt after the end of your marriage, but can you image your life if you had had a child on your husband's whim? You would lose most (or all) of the life you had and the person you knew yourself to be as well. I'm sure it would be MORE devastating. The place you are in now is MUCH better than if you had brought a child into the world you didn't truly want. That child would suffer the consequences as well. Are there women out there who would have had a child to satisfy someone else's desire (husband, mother, mother-in-law . . .)? MOST certainly. You are SO much stronger than you may feel. Love the site!

I agree with Charlit, Cassie67, you did the right thing. I've been trying to find a quote i heard years ago from Jaquie Kennedy, but can't find it. It was to women, saying the most important thing for us to do in life was to stay financially independant of men. She wasn't being antimen, ( at least I don't think ! ) more to be secure if you want to leave a relationship, or a breakdown if you don't. it's easier said than done though. My sister ( no kids )has just left her husband of 20 years, and is back with our parents. They are muddling along quite well together, but she did the same as you Cassie. she left the house to him ( yes, shriek, horror, hands on head,) because she has a pension that she gets when she's 55 years old, that he said he would take half of if he didn't get the house. She worked so hard all her life for the house,and still working.. getting a good job with great pension, and now she'll never own her own house again.

Very good point about the finances, Cassie. My ex, whom I left over the kids issue, was actually a financial drain to some extent so it was actually a blessing in disguise. I made more than him. Also, his mom's financial situation was precarious after separating from his dad, so he and his siblings had to help her financially. Even though his salary was the lowest of the three, they expected him to contribute as much as they did. However, I think my case is clearly an exception to the rule. I think it does take a lot of inner strength to leave a relationship over the kids issue, especially since the childfree choice is still not fully respected and it tends to be assumed that most women find fulfillment as mothers. Many women have caved in over the kid issue just to keep a man.

Hello ladies....I wish I had been the one with the strength to end a marriage that was destined to fail because of the children issue. The decision was made for me by my ex-husband, and I pretty much fought it all the way. I wanted to be with him, but I stuck to my guns in telling him that I would not have children unless we adopted or fostered an older child, and at that I wanted to wait a couple of years until our financial situation was better. I was not going to have a baby.

Everything obviously happened for the best in the long run, because to have a child with my ex-husband just to keep him would have been a big mistake. I see things more clearly now. Surely my life would not have been happy if I had brought a baby into the world, or even if I attempted to raise a child of any age. My inner being would have really suffered because I would not have been true to myself.

I thought my ex-husband was my soulmate, but a true soulmate will accept you for who you really are.....not for what babies you can produce to satisfy his selfish ego. When I told him 16 years ago that I did not want to have children he should have left me then, and some time later when the issue came up two years in a row I actually encouraged him to leave. He didn't have the balls to go. And why is that? Because I am a good person and he knows it. It is tough to leave someone who treats you so well.

So now I will give of myself to the new man in my life and enjoy what we share together. My boyfriend has an 8 yr old daughter who stays over every other weekend and she's a sweet girl. I enjoy her company, and that level of exposure to children is more than enough for me. I don't need it every day and my boyfriend does not want any more children. He is with me because he values me for who I am as a person and as a woman.......a woman who is special in her own way even if she chooses not to have children.

Oh, Cassie! I'm so sorry about all of this. But I have to say that you WILL find peace, and you'll find it more easily because you were an unselfish, good-hearted person who didn't want to ruin anyone. You know you would have been miserable if the two of you had stayed together- your stomach in knots all the time. If he didn't have a girlfriend who made big bucks, you'd be feeling a lot better about yourself, and honey, that would only be circumstantial. Why not make the decision to feel better about yourself, period, because you decided to make a decision you could live with? You have come out of this with your dignity and pure nature intact. We can all see it reading your emails. And do try to enjoy your nice new man if you can. You deserve to be happy, and you need to remind yourself that your old situation was far from perfect too. You deserve better.

Hi Cassie, So sorry to read your story but I am 100% the outcome is better than it would be if you had given in and had a child. I cannot see your ex managing to have a biological child with the new girlfriend and, like you, think he's deluding himself. Still, that's his concern. Like you I got married and truly believed it to be forever. We dealt with so many major problems in the first year alone (9 bereavements) followed by my complete nervous breakdown and it all just made us stronger. Still, in the end I had enough of his mum's nastiness to me over the fact that I didn't want children. My ex didn't want them either but I suspect he'll cave to his mum's pressure at some point and it wasn't going to be with me. My ex is wonderful and we are still good friends but his mum has manipulated him since birth and he just cannot find the way to completely break that hold, it's a shame. Thankfully I have, also like you, found a new partner and I can assure you that if you let yourself move on then you can move on with your new partner. I tried jeopardising it and my new partner was there throughout my divorce (although in fairness mine was so easy and friendly it involved signing one for and that was that) but he loves me and so he did support me through it. Don't assume your man will leave and don't jeopardise it. Or if you do try to jeopardise it then explain to him that is what you are doing and you don't want to do it and you'll try not to. Given your ages he must have expected some level of 'baggage' when entering the relationship (as you would also) so don't be too hard on yourself. Were he to date any other women he'd most likely get drawn into their custody battle with their ex over their kids! Good luck to you, you will be fine if you let yourself be. LJx

Hi Cassie67, I don't know how to navigate this site/forum yet so wasn't aware of the continued activity on this thread. I have to tell you again how strong you are. Despite all of your pain, you are moving and will move forward even if some days the steps are too small to recognize. We also have time to thank since it does really make things better (failing memory in old age perhaps :) but they fade just the same. I just wanted to send you a big hug. I tried to PM this, but couldn't. I'm so grateful that you shared your story and yourself and that you and all you ladies share your experience and strength. It's difficult to be on the fringe and not want children. Having to justify it to yourself and then to society and when we find someone we think is with us and they're not. Well. It's devastating, painful, feels like betrayal. You are so strong.

I don't have a lot of time lately to visit this forum, but I sure have had to tap into my strength the past couple of weeks. I know I am off topic here but I wanted to keep you ladies updated.

My boyfriend turned 48 on 10/23, and two days later he had a heart attack. He just had open heart surgery this past Wednesday and that went well, but he has had some bad days since. He flatlined twice with no heart rate. They can't take the breathing tube out yet because he has issues with his narrow airway (due to thyroid cancer at age 10). This is his second open heart surgery. The first was 8 yrs ago. It all stems from blood vessel damage resulting from the radiation received to combat his cancer as a child.

The man is a fighter like I have never seen. This is a tougher road for him than the last open heart surgery. I have been at the hospital every day for the past two weeks. I have had sleepless nights and lots of tears. My boyfriend is truly one of God's angels who helped get me through my painful divorce this year because my ex-husband wants children.

Now I will do everything I can to be there to support my new man. Even though I am very tired I keep doing whatever needs to be done, including helping out my boyfriend's elderly parents because he has no siblings. If I am not at the hospital, running errands, or helping my boyfriend's parents in some way, I am on the phone with his friends and extended family giving them updates on his condition.

I have been reminded how fragile life can be, and how important it is to hang on to a good thing and enjoy it while you can. Life is so short. My boyfriend is a beautiful person....so giving and compassionate. I am very lucky to have him in my life and to have found him so soon after leaving another relationship.

Thanks again to you all for your support. Any prayers and good wishes out there would be greatly appreciated while my boyfriend struggles to recover.