BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence I miss him - Picking up the Pieces update

A few months ago, I wrote a piece on this site called "picking up the pieces"....It has been 4 months since I have seen or talked to him. I thought I was doing better. I got the order of protection modified so that we could talk about the kids (two teenage boys) and the house (which I was hoping we would sell, but due to his failure to cooperate, is in foreclosure) over email. I started sending him emails, trying to deal with issues and he never once responded. His excuse was that he didn't have the modified order of protection and was protecting himself legally. Even though he wasn't responding, I kept sending them - trying to be responsible, and keep him updated on things that were happening with the kids. At a point of frustration with my 15 yr old, I sent him a lengthy email. Later that night, I got an email that had been written by him, forwarded to his lawyer, then mine, then to me... It was long, totally business in nature, and completely unexpected. While reading it, I could just hear his voice in my head.. and it sent me over the edge.. I cried for hours. I couldn't stop. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I read the email again and cried. On my way home from work, I cried all the way home. I think in my heart I always hoped this would all go away, turn out to be a bad dream, and we could have our family and our life back. I know that's not possible because he will always be abusive and I will never be able to trust him again. But, I'm finding that I miss him. I think of all the good things he did. And, worst of all, I think of him being with someone else and it kills me. After 18 years, and even in spite of the bad times, knowing that he will be with and probably has already been with another woman just tears me up inside. I can't even think about being with someone else. It literally grosses me out. I keep hoping that I will accidentally run into him, at the grocery store, or Target or something, just so I can see his face. It really scares me that I miss him so much. I don't want to get weak. I think I am looking for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am looking for someone to share everything with... and for so long.. over half of my life, it was him. And now he's gone and I really don't know if I can do this. In the beginning, I think I was surviving on adrenaline, just trying to keep going. Now that everything is starting to settle, starting to realize that this is my life now, alone, I am starting to second guess all of my decisions... which is not a good thing! I just really feel lost right now. I thought it would get easier with time, but it just feels like I miss him more and more.. I'm scared of that feeling.

I do understand what you're saying. You're right, in the beginning it is the fight for survival and adrenalin that gives you that catapult out of the abusive situation.

Later, though, it's like a broken bone that heals or childbirth. You forget the pain and romanticize all the things you did leading up to the ordeal.

I often wished back then, that I had photos or videos of Jeckyl and Hide personalities so that when I started to feel lonely (I call it the Halo effect) and remember with selected memory, the holiday dinners, Christmas', especially near the holidays, I could slap myself into the reality I was bruised and choked into way back when, when I thought i'd rather die, not take another breath, ever, than go through another night or day with an abusive partner.

4 months is still tender. In reality, it really is. When you are finally able to actually begin feeling again, after the adrenalin, it's your Soul's way of saying you still have the compassion to love, you are healing and are beginning to renew. It also brings with it all of the emotions that you stuffed way down inside while you were trying to survive.

You can love someone that treated you poorly. It isn't the complete package though. Abusers do go on and do meet other unsuspecting individuals. However the abuse is still there. They may have refined their dysfunction but it's still there.

Try to remind yourself that when you do feel the lonliness, it's your Soul letting you know you're beginning to feel human again and that everything will be o.k. and that even in your darkest night, you still retained the ability to love and with that will draw to you someone new who will love you back but this time, completely

Thank you. It's just so hard. Last night he was dropping stuff off for the kids, and he told them he had "dinner at 7." It could have been with anyone, but all I can think about his him going on a date with some unsuspecting girl, thinking he's all cute and polite, when deep down inside he is so angry and mean. And I wish he could have been different for me. I wish I could have the cute and funny him, and not the one that came out when I didn't do exactly what he wanted, or when he was feeling lonely because I didn't give him enough attention. It's killing me.. that's what it feels like anyway. It feels like I still love him so much, and I know I probably always will. But at the same time, I hate him for what he did to me. It's a horrible combo of emotions.

I really wanted to call him today. Just to see if he has changed. To see if maybe he is different now. To see if he really has moved on to someone else. I know these reasons are not good enough to put myself back in harms way - but I hope this feeling of missing him goes away soon.

There's two side actually,

In a way, you could see what you're going through as an addiction. I don't know how else to say it, but I understand you feel the loss of companionship and the anxiety of someone else pleasing in a way you couldn't. They can't if there's someone else and it's just a matter of time before everyone, if there's a situation, figures that out.

If you pick up that phone, or leave a message, not only will you feel badly for yourself, after you do it, but 4 months isn't enough time for them to be anything but who they were when they were with you.

Charming is so VERY easy in the beginning and most likely, he's found someone who will listen to his issues. Women are notorious for that. We like to make people feel good, healers. But, if he was abusive to you, he'll carry that on to someone else. It might take a year or two, but it will come out.

When abusers go back out to the field, when the woman they abused found the strength to leave, they secretly prowl to find someone else to make them feel better, empower them. Once they are confident, the distance, the anger, control, criticism, physical abuse, etc. begins to set in.

Any woman can do so much better than that. But keep in mind there may be self-image issues within yourself. After situations like these that happens quite a lot.

Once you build that self-image back up, you'll never look back at someone who took that from you. You'll want someone more supportive, a true companion.

You hit the nail on the head Eleise! Many many abusive relationships are just like a drug addiction. You are an addiction to your abuser, like the possesiveness most display. They have to have you no matter what. Many victims also are filling a need from the abuser. My need was to be the peace maker and I had feelings that I deserved what was happening to me. I was abused as a child by my mother which made things even worse. Sometimes the things my abuser would say to me were the exact same things my mother would say to me. It was a bad ride to get off of.

Hi strong girl, I can completely relate to your feelings of 'what if' . What if he changes/ has changed, what if he is with someone else and treats her differently, what if i made a mistake? I was with the abuser for 6 years. We have been separated for a year. We have a young daughter together. I have years behind me of trying to love him is just the right way so that he would love me back/ change/ see that I was a good person. Years of his verbal and physical abuse, domestic violence convictions etc. for which he blames me. Finally, I have accepted that it is foolish to believe that he will change. Still, the what ifs haunt me. I hoped and believed in a dream- a dream that didn't and couldn't exist. I am trying today to give myself space to grieve the death of that dream. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Stay strong in what you know to be true. Our feelings can be deceptive. I have found mine to be not a good basis for taking any action. If I wait, and seek the advice of others, I often feel differently tomorrow.

I heard something the other day that made me think of this forum. I feel certain, abusers aren't so special,not in the way we think we feel. But there's a cycle almost a cloning of control that plays on vulnerable emotions, whether you love someone freely or are just getting your feet back on the ground from something else and aren't feeling so secure in yourself and it feels good when someone is kind. But...

You fell in love with the abuser because when you first met, on some level you feel the person understands you and has to have you. They pay attention to every detail. They give you bits and pieces of approval and after awhile in comes the disapproval. But because someone gets you and gives you approval, you walk on eggshells to ensure the smiles of approval, the peace around the house, keep coming.

You feel that even if it's not perfect, they loved you and you hold on to that. But, it wasn't that they loved you, love is something completely different, it isn't mean or physically and emotionally violating.

It isn't that they were in love with you, they were in love with your fear of them and the ultimate control you gave them over you.

You all are so much of a help. I am sure you know, but some days/weeks are much harder than others. It's like in some ways, I am still seeking his approval. I think of him dating and doting on someone else, and I think, that person (the ones whose kind and loving) is the person I want to be with - why does someone else get to have that? Then I think of his dark side, and all the horrible things he said/did, and I want to scream at the new girl, "Hey, did you know he did this? And this? He's not perfect!! Don't be fooled!!" Of course, I never would and this new person will find out eventually. I have been with him since age 16. I am now 35. All of those years, all of those shared memories and growing. We got divorced when I was 21, because he was exhibiting the same type of behaviors - but I was young, had no self confidence, and truly believed it was my fault, because I wanted to have friends and a life outside of him. He was so horrible to me when we were divorced, but I always felt like I let something go and was to blame, so I put up with the behavior until we got remarried at age 29. This time, I had my teaching career for 6 years, just completed my master's degree, was part of a wonderful community, so when it happened this time, I knew I was not the one to blame. I knew there was something wrong with him - and I had the support to do something - finally. But, I still slip back into those waves of sadness, missing him, wishing things would have been different. Something that has also helped me is looking at pictures. He ALWAYS look angry and so unhappy - and I am always smiling - such a huge difference in personality. I don't know. It has now been 4 months and 22 days that we have been apart. I feel strong right now. I hope it keeps up!!!

StrongGirl, I know all the emotions you speak of, the 'what-ifs' and the torture we put ourselves through because they were not all we thought they were cracked up to be. They promise the world and leave you empty handed... I spent 2 1/2 years with a crazed/psycho lunatic... and now, just the other day he emailed me and told me, "you're the crazy one...." lol I admit, putting up with him for that long does make me think I could plead temporary-insanity with a 2-year extension on that. =) Stay strong, you cannot save his next 'victim', just as nobody could have saved you. I go through the same thing when I see my ex adding one unsuspecting female after another to his myspace page. Although I deleted him from my friends list, it still gives me his updates. I'm just hoping and praying other women are smarter than I was and that they are able to see he is a serial-killer-look-a-like... something I didn't see until after the fact.