BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step Daughter wants to live with us

Has anybody been in the situation where your step child has asked to live with you and BF as they are unhappy living with BM? What is the right thing to do?

How old is your step daughter? How much do you see her now? How close do you live to her BM?

Her father is her father is her father. She has every right to live with him.

It is a rough fact of life, but the kids have a right to live with their parent whether you like it or not. If the parents had stayed married, the kids would be living with them.

I was in the position of having my stepdaughter live with us and was scared (we ended up getting along fine)....but I was scared and wanted to run!

What is the rest of the story? How long have you all been together? How old is the daughter? Are there any other siblings? Does everyone get along? Is this a friendly move?

Well, she is 13. She has one sister and they currently live with their mother and stepfather. The BM moved about 100 miles away into the countryside after the divorce. It seems that there are a number of reasons why she is not happy and we are only finding out now as she is such a quiet child. She hates where they live, it is so isolated that she has no independence at all. With the recession, her mother is working days, night and weekends and the girls see very little of her. And now she is not getting on at all with her stepfather who is home all the time as he works his (almost failed) business from home. Her sister gets most the attention (big personality) and so it's very lonely for sd. DH and I live in suburbia with my two children. We have sds with us most weekends. My dh has a fair working relationship with his ex - but it's mostly about saying yes to her as much as possible. Sweetness and light when she's getting what she wants IYKWIM. If sd was not getting on with her stepdad, we probably would have said that she needs to work on the relationship. We wouldn't encourage her to run away from problems. But all the other things can't be resolved - she obviously can't drive herself places yet, her mother has told her that there is no question of slowing down on the work front, and also that there is no question of Stepdad getting a 'real' job to take the financial pressure off mom. They depend heavily on CS from my dh right now. Sd seems to have through this through very carefully but while we want her to live with us, obviously we are concerned that no matter how much we tell her that it is not all roses here, she seems determined to make the move. My dh and sd have spoken to BM who wants a chance to address the problems. I'm concerned about how to handle this because 1) If mom refuses to allow it, I'm afraid sd will start going off the rails - her grades are already down. 2) If mom does agree, sd will have a tough time moving school, making friends and getting used to our stricter household. 3) I think it's important to make sure she knows that we support her without actually pressuring her to make this move - it has to be her decision. and 4) if BM refuses and sd becomes more unhappy, dh might have to consider going to court and that will really divide the family. Any advice?

Well given the fact that your sd seems to have thought this through very carefully and that disucssions have bugun with BM I think you guys are on the right track. It sounds as though she will not have too much trouble adjusting to your stricter household as she is quiet and laid back. I think her reasons for wanting the change are good and living with you and her dad might be the best thing for her. It's too bad you couldn't have tried it out over summer holidays before switching schools though. Overall, if this is what she really wants then I think you guys should go to bat for her and try to make it happen. Keep her out of the negotiations and discussions completely until you have reached a decision with her BM. It will be tough to adjust to a new school and home all at 13 but I think the extra love, attention and structure/routine she will receive in your home will more than make up for it. You should be proud of yourself for being such a wonderful and loving step mom... even to consider such a big change which would benefit you step child. Good luck!

If mom agrees, why not commit to one year and see how things go? Continue with open communications. Encourage her to spend the weekends with her BM and by the time she's 14, she's legally old enough to decide for herself who she wants to live with (m/d).. depending what your laws is like. Children have rights. If she's feeling neglected by a parent, I don't see it as running away from her problems. I see it as her removing herself from an unhealthy situation.

Well I am new to this whole step parent, just barely over a year. Both my SDs are wonderful. The youngest has some issues, but all in all their great. They live two states away and we only have them during the summer and Christmas. The oldest (11) wants to come live with us. I'm grateful for the advice and discussion here. My SD actually wanted to come live with us this school year, but her Mom made excuses. She is a manipulater. She said she sprung it on her and there was no way to make the arrangments in time. In addition she has this idea that it is special to be there when her daughter gets her period, so she doesn't want her to go yet. She told her that she can come live with us the next school year (2011-2012). I just worry that she is going to work on her this next year to get her to not move here. BM has no life outside of her children, so we worry that she can't handle her leaving and will do all within her power to get her to not come live with us. She is prone to bad depression. I'm not sure if this is a worry for you, but my husband struggles with separating our SDs from each other. The youngest can be fragile emotionally and we don't know how she'll handle life without her big sister. The oldest is a people pleaser and it hurts her to see how she distresses her BM. She has lived two states away from her BF for four years and she just wants more time to spend with her BF. The BM can't see that this isn't about her at all.