BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So thankful to find this site...

I'm new here and already feel better after finding I'm not the only one who doesn't want kids. I'm not married but have been in a relationship for a year. I also am not sure I want to get married. I have just turned 36 and it's all I can think about--should I or should I not, to marriage and kids. My bf [i]thinks[/i] he may want marriage, but prob not kids. I guess time will tell but I feel the pressure big time. This is such a major decision and it scares the hell out of me. I feel guilty sometimes for not wanting these things. It's hard when the whole world, it feels like, is so family-centered. Especially living in the mostly conservative midwest! I'd love to hear how others deal with the pressure. Thanks~

MIdwest - nothing. Try living in Utah and not having kids. I keep waiting for the townsfolk to come with pitchforks. :) I once had a carpet guy lecture me on why I should have children. Needless to say, that was the last time we hired him. Seriously, though, you have to block some of that out. Everything thinks there is one normal way to be and what I've realized is that even people who look like they are the norm really aren't. There are a million ways to be, ways to create a family. You have to remember that whatever you have and want is normal for you. So worry less about the pressure, come up with some good comebacks to nosey questions and try to breathe. While not completely on point, here's an example: I teach a lot of senior level classes and deal with a lot of 22 year olds who are terrified to leave college. They are constantly being asked "What are you doing after graduation?" and the question makes them nuts. So I tell them to tell people "I think I'll have some cake." It diffuses the question and the students are less stressed. So if you are getting questions, think up that one answer that sidetracks people and you'll be good.

Oooh I love that! "I think I'll have some cake." I was talking about all this with another CF friend and she said a good comeback to "Do you have kids or want them?" would be "No, but I see them in grocery stores alot." heehee. I splurged yesterday and got a facial. The woman who gave it to me asked me if I was married w/kids. At first I was like "WTH? Can I not go anywhere without this coming up?" But she went on to say how she loves her kids but fantasizes how her life would have been different. She also went on to say that her husband does little to help, besides mow the lawn, wash the car and put the clean clothes on the kids' beds. She said even though they had discussed splitting the chores equally before marriage and kids, it isn't that way now. She inevitably is the one who makes the lunches every day, cooks and cleans, schedules the doctor's appointments, makes sure homework is done, etc. She said something just changes after you have kids. The responsibility does fall more on the woman. At least around here. This made me feel better. It made me realize that the grass ISN'T always greener. Thanks for your reply phdkim!

reply to gogirl ~~~~~ I've heard this time and time again...and the daddies seem to have lots of time to chum around with their buddies, but the mommies are busy at home with the bebee 24/7.

cp

"No, but I see them in grocery stores alot." - That is a great line, I might have to steal it myself. Although since I'm just shy of forty, the questions have slowed down some. :) A couple of years ago, I went to my 20th high school reunion. I was shocked at the number of people who had kids who have subsequently said to me that they were impressed that I made this decision and that while they love their kids, being a parent is difficult for them. Keep your chin up and know that we all make our own normal.

I too am new to this site,and being child free am enjoying reading that I'm not alone. Life is good, but it's annoying that sometimes I feel I have to keep saying that, just so people with kids don't start the old 'pitying look' when you say you haven't got kids I always find it irritating that some people go on about how fantastic their kids are in a pointed way, as though putting their status above yours, but act annoyed and jealous, when you say you're going away for a weekend. 'But you only went away last month !' it proves that people who are small minded and ignorant before a child, remain so after becoming a parent too !

It is not difficult for me any more. I just turned 30 but it seems the older I get the less people ask. Maybe it is because the assume I have them. When stangers do ask I make it very clear, quite bluntly, that I don't want them, don't like them and have already been sterilized. My friends all know where I stand as I post CF articles, picures and comments frequently on Facebook. I think it is important for people to realize there are women (and men) like us in society. I make no attempt to hide who I am. Plus, I don't gives a rat bottom what people think of me.

WAY TO GO Kat1980!Its great to hear that you are flying the flag for us CF's' Like you say it is important that people realise that the world is made up of a mixture of race and beliefs one of which includes the choice to not have children. I don't hide the fact that I never wanted children and I commend the forthright manner in which you deal with any questions re your child status.

You will definitely find alot of support here, welcome! It's great the your b/f is into the child-free lifestyle. I would think at 36 people probably don't hound you to have kids anymore, which is a good thing (36 is not old at all, but it's a bit old to become a mother.)

I just told my husband the "grocery store" line, and he loved it :-). I might alter it a bit and say walmart instead. we were actually in a walmart when we ultimately made the choice to not have children, LOL. There was a couple in there with three kids and it was an absolute nightmare. My husband looked at me and said are you sure you want kids? and my reply was nope, i really don't think i do...and that was it. We were headed down that path already, but walmart sealed the deal, hahaha.