BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Bad marriage.. advice?

I've never posted on anything like this but figured I'd give it a shot.. I've been married for 2.5 years. My husband and I are both 22. We have a lot of problems and I don't know if this marriage is worth saving or if I should get outta here while I'm still young and we have no kids. We've known each other and have been dating on and off since high school. He joined the army and we got married. We've been having problems since the beginning but about a year ago maybe more I realized how bad his porn addiction is. He watches it about every day sometimes more than once. i know this because it's on his phone and i've found it on the com;puter.. plus i've walked in on him jerking off to it about 5 times. in the bathroom on his phone or at the computer.. The last time was yesterday. I was going to get something for dinner and i asked him to go with and he said he had too much studying to do.. well i got to the car and i forgot something inide so i went back and caught him closing out all these windows of porn. I was only gone 2 minutes! so i was irritated about it.. I said like 2 sentences something like geez you couldn't wait for me to leave the driveway? this is why you wouldn't go with me? Then we didn't talk until the next morning when he was driving me to work. He was in a rage saying i owe him money for him helping me pay off the last of my college (only like 500$) then he said either I accept that he wants to watch porn and visit other adult hook up sites or we can get a divorce.. he told me to think about it at work.. so I did. I came home after he never showed up to get me and i had to find a ride.. to his cum rags next to the computer. And I told him I thought about it and I want a divorce. I haven't mentioned yet that i've caught him on dating sites as well.. Looking for sexual encounters with older women. If he wanted to watch porn because i wasn't interested I would understand a whole lot more. Almost every time I want to have sex he's too tired.. or his back hurts.. or he doesn't wanna put fourth the effort.. always an excuse so i basically never ask anymore because I don't want to get rejected and feel bad. I'm young, I have a nice body, I keep myself looking good and I get hit on everywhere else I go so why does he want porn more than me? or to search out other women? on top of this, He won't put me on the bank account so if i have to buy groceries or anything I have to ask him for money. He does buy me stuff, but he throws it in my face all the time talkin about how i owe him this and that.. and i just finished school. Still trying to get certified.. i have a part time job but it's not enough to get much. If I could, i'd never ask him for a dime. But i'm very far from my family.. and i don't want to worry them and this is embarrassing to tell people about. I'm a good wife to him, i cook, i clean, i take care of everything at home. I have to pick up his dirty socks every day around the house because he's too lazy and too busy watching porn. Everytime we get in a fight he calls me names.. he always has to call me stupid [censored] , dumb [censored], [censored]. whatever mean things he can think of. He's very serious all the time and has a bad temper that scares me. When I told him I decided on divorce he started saying he was mad when he said to choose porn or divorce and he doesn't want to lose me. He said he wishes he could be a relaxed free spirtited person like me and he wants to change.. but he has urges to sleep with other women and he can't stop watching porn, he's too addicted. I know he watches some really sick stuff. I've told him before we have to get rid of the internet. He refuses. anyways. i've made this far too long. I need some good advice please.

My Dear, You need to run and dont look back.Dont waste your life on this mess. Be kind and try to bow out gracefully before he gets violent.

Toofargone .. You better get out of that situation as fast as you can. It will only get worse. He has no respect for you, whatsoever. Your self-esteem will soon be so far gone you won't know how to get out....He sounds like a control freak as well...you don't have joint bank accounts > you have to ASK him for grocery money...sad , and humiliating !!!

GET OUT while you can.. This is scary.

cp

Hi Mark J, welcome to the BellaOnline Forum and glad to see you have started to post.

Its nice to see people sharing, no man is an Island !!

Toofargone.....your husband needs counseling for his porn addiction and poor anger management. His problems stem from some deep seated issues and/or stress, and there is nothing you can do to fix him by staying in this marriage. Some of what you are going through is downright abusive, and nobody deserves to live like that.

Salvage your sanity and your life and move on. People will understand, and those who don't understand aren't in your shoes anyway. You need to do what is best and healthiest for you. Good luck, and please keep in touch with us here.

He will never stop with the porn thing, get out while you can. It will only get worse, there are many other men out there that will appreciate you and your good qualities. Leave.

Toofargone, I have to tell you that I rarely ever suggest divorce in these forums because there is so much to a marriage that can't be conveyed in a short post. People, like marriages, can be fixed when broken. But people really have to want to change.

Your husband has a serious addiction but does not recognize it as a problem. That is a problem. It isn't just porn. He doesn't want sex with you. His desire to "hook up" with other women is adultery. Why did he get married? Marriage means monogamy. He can't be selfish and say he wants you but still wants other women. Like a spoiled kid who wants it all, he needs to be taught about choices and consequences.

On top of that, his disrespect for you and the name-calling are danger signs. Abuse begins with that. Eventually, it becomes physical. Especially when he sees that he can't control you with his put-downs.

It is a good thing that you do not have children with him. Do you want your children's father to have anger and sex issues? Some people may say that marriage is for better or for worse, and if that is your belief then you must brace yourself for a long, difficult battle. Prepare to be hurt and disappointed. Prepared to be afraid of your own husband. Prepare to live with this situation without any change because most men revert back to their old habits. Get help and support from clergy and counseling. But whatever you do, do not bring children into this atmosphere. It would be unfair to them and irresponsible of you to do so.

Don't let him make you feel guilty (guilt is one of the tools that abusive men use). Don't let your love for him trap you. You are young. Change your life while you can. You will come to this decision again but will be older and have traumatized children to support all by yourself if you talk yourself into staying.

God speed.

Your happiness is the most important, not just for you, but those around you,- and any partner you have. if you're not happy now, it's time to get out as quickly as you can. you only have one life, and hopefully you will find a loving partner that is right for you in the future. I'm sure everyone reading your story is behind you 100 %, so know there are people rooting for you and wish you well. be strong.

Thanks for the insight everybody.. As much as part of me wants to leave right now I'm not financially able to right away. I'm also very scared of Hurting him. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to him because I upset him. I've been in that situation before and I'm still having a hard time with it. I told him it's not going to work with us and I plan on leaving.. He's desperate for me to stay. He has me change all the computer passwords so I don have to worry about him on there.. Not that I feel like I should have to do that, but I did. He's admitting he's an addict and wants me to help him. So I'm trying. He's also trying to get me to move and wants to buy a house. I told him I'm not Ready for that commitment and that we need to work on our own problems before we take that step. So.. Pretty much all I can do is be patient.. Until I am Financially able To start My own life.. Or He changes For the better. Whichever happens first.