BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids In-tolerant?

I was recently at a small gathering of women for tea and cookies. I know it sounds trite, but the mix of people at this gathering are from the pinky out tea drinker types, more like the swearing, dirty joke kind of tea drinkers. We vary in age, employment, and marital status. What makes me different from the rest of the women is that I am the only that has chosen not to breed. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is, that I have been a preschool teacher for over 20 years and when I come home at night, I don't want to deal with the same drama that I have been dealing with all day at work. Back to the party.... there was one new woman within the mix, who didn't know any of us. While in conversation about (her children) she started to describe her in-tolerant neighbors. "You know the type, in their 50's have never had children, so they are completely in-tolerant of just about everything." Laughing and nods of acknowledgement ensued, while steam started coming out of my ears! Now usually if I know someone who makes a statement like this I will question it. This time I left it alone. Why? because I am not so sure if she is right or not. Obviously this has really bothered me, because now I preface everything with a snarky comment, "well you know, I am CF so I must be completely in-tolerant." Having worked with children so long, I usually don't even see or hear them in social settings, I don't mind it if children are around, they are cute and funny. I think what I am in-tolerant of is parenting styles. Maybe what I should have asked this woman is, "what do you allow your children to do that would make your neighbors be in-tolerant of your children? That got me thinking about my own neighbors and the children that live around me. I can say that I am in-tolerant of the children that live behind me. Not because they are children, not because I am 41 and CF, but because their parents allow them to play outside at 7:30 on sunday morning and be as loud as they want. That is just bad manners in my book, not in-tolerance. I am curious to know if anyone else has been confronted with this word? What are your stories, how did you handle it?

Hi Green Tara,

Maybe, I'm not so sure anymore, I used to think I was ok around kids but as I get further into my life without my own children - I get less and less interested or patient with them, grumpy old woman? Perhaps! I know my 10 yr old step daughter would agree (we have her 50/50 and it sometimes drives me nuts!)

I had children and was somewhat intolerant of other's children. Now that I'm in my mid 60's the only kids I want around are my 2 grandkids.

Hello! I don't necessarily have a response to your question, but I do have a comment about coming home from work and not having to deal with kids and their drama. I am also a teacher (1st grade) and I feel like I'm DONE with kids at the end of my school day. Luckily my husband feels the same way, but most teachers I know have kids and always tell me that I'll change my mind soon. Blah! I have no desire to be around kids 24 hours a day. Most people I know feel they get a break from their kids when their kids go to school. I would never get that.

Eeza, You are so right. I can't imagine working with 3 year olds all day and then picking up my own, only to go home and do the same thing over again for the "second shift" UGH! Other teachers always told me the same thing. "You will change your mind" How can that saying be so universal no matter where a person lives in this world? Thank goodness someone else feels as I do. Thanks for the validation!

Oddly enough, neighborhood kids have never upset me. In fact, I kind of miss the days when kids played in the street. We just bought a house and our next door neighbors have 3 kids all under age 10. I like to see them play outside, along with the other neighborhood kids. Makes it feel like a nice, safe place. I feel like we are all watching out for each other.

Yeah, they make noise. But, it's not that loud (must be our concrete block construction). I can see where it might annoy some, but it's never been a problem for me.

I understand completely the feeling of being isolated, when other people are talking about their kids, and also negative comments of women without them. I really can't understand why. everybody is different, and if you are happy with your life, why impose your views on another ? Why do some women suddenly feel they have been sainted when they have a child, and other childfree women are on a par with the common worm ? If having children was the answer to a happy stress free fantastic life, I would have started at 17 and kept going. ps i'm new to this site, and it's a joy to hear other women have the same problems.

Gaynor8002...I am 43 yrs old and I'm still happy I did not have children. My marriage of 16 yrs ended because of this issue, but I am at peace with the decision I made when I was 26.

During the years of my marriage there were comments from the ex's grandmother "If you don't have children it makes you selfish", and I felt strange at family functions because I seemed to be the only woman in the family without children in tow. These days people assume I have kids because of my age and ask "Do you have children?" Like this is what defines me. These other women usually have a funny look on their faces when I say "No".

I've spent many years thinking I was somewhat of a freak for not having that "maternal" desire. Now I realize that I am probably a smarter person than most for NOT having kids, and I don't give a hoot anymore what anybody thinks of my life decisions.

I couldn't agree more Cassie67. I will be 50 next month and have been married for 22 years. I knew from a very young age that children would never be a part of my life, I just never got the get married and then have kids thing,and fortunately for me my husband agreed, but if he hadn't then like you I wouldn't have been able to compromise on my need to be childfree and we would have seperated.You have so hit it on the head when you say a woman seems to be defined by having a child and anyone who hasn't gone this route is deemed as being redundant in life. I too don't care one bit on whether my chosen childfree status upsets anyone and now I actually take a perverse pleasure in telling people I don't have any and that I chose to be that way. Don't get me wrong like yourself I too had that dreaded feeling when people asked THAT question as I felt it was wrong that I didn't conform but with the increase in my age I no longer feel that way and like yourself I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks! Some people are like sheep and don't seem to consider that like most things in life there are choices, for some reason where a persons choice is mostly respected this doesn't seem to apply to having children and I now refuse to feel responsible for these peoples narrowmindedness.Don't get me wrong not everyone you encounter is like that and some people do have the ability to see both sides of the coin,unfortunately there aren't a lot of them out there!! Thats just one of many reasons that I am thankful for this site as no matter how we would like the world to be the fact of the matter is people like you and me are very much in a minority.

I haven't been told I am intolerant but I would probably fall into that persons description of an intolerant neighbour as I really resent my peaceful interludes in the garden being interrupted by the neighbourhood children. Probably made more noticable as for the last 15 years the area was largely childfree and as a result VERY quiet.I agee this is probably more to do with the fact that the parents don't consider that not everyone wants to hear their little darlings screaming and shrieking all day. What I have noticed though is they seem to have double standards,several co workers who no longer have young children want to go holidays and live where there are no kids and when I say oh but I thought you liked kids their response is yes but I don't want to listen to all the noise they make....maybe if they had a bit more consideration of this when they were bringing up their own children they wouldn't have any intolerant neighbours to complain about!