BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Finding someone new

So, I've finally adjusted to being without my ex after six months apart (after eight years together and splitting because of the kids thing.) But now I'm ready to move on, I've got a new problem - how on earth do you bring up the no-kids thing with someone new? It was easier in my 20s, cos guys weren't thinking about it. But now I'm in my 30s, ALL the men I know really want kids and think I'm weird and cold-hearted for not wanting them. I think lots of them, too, wouldn't be that bothered if they'd been with someone for years and she suddenly said she didn't want kids. But knowing they can't have them from the start flashes a red light. I feel that there are men out there who would choose me over kids if they gave me a chance. I don't want to misguide anyone, but don't want to miss an opportunity that could be there if I was given a chance to show a guy that real, deep love doesn't need anyone else to make it better. So what I want to know is, are there 30-something men out there who might think they want kids but are willing to give someone like me a shot? And when the hell do you bring this up? Before the first date? On it? After you're in love? I've Bern flirting with s guy on Twitter, and threw in a tweet about not wanting kids because I thought he might be about to ask me out. And guess what? Silence. This, and the attitude of most men I meet who are shocked by my choice, is making me feel worthless and rejected. Help!

Obviously you are meeting the wrong men. There are plenty out there that don't want kids. Sooner or later you will meet one then again is this a topic to discuss unless you are actually in a serious relationship. Just a date .....is too personal and needn't be brought up. my best friend doesn't have any and neither does my niece. Both have great husbands.

I've actually never dated anyone who wasn't Childfree, I never found it hard to find someone who was childfree on any of the dating sites I went was on. I know I meet my now hubby and even before got to the concept of dating I'd told him I was Childfree, take it or leave it and he took it because he felt the same way I did (that and I learned we both infertile - double bonus). There are many out there who are choosing to be childfree, you might look into getting involved with your local No Kidding chapter or Childfree group in your area - there are over 50 such groups in north america (most large cities have at least one of the chapters that holds dinners and general gatherings).

You don't have to misguide anyone. As soon as you're on the first date with someone, you let them know exactly what you want and ask what they want in return. It's that simple.

You can start off by asking what are their goals in life. Ask them how they feel about children and family. The sooner you ask, the sooner you get an answer, the sooner you can then move onto the next guy. There's no point in pussyfooting around topics like these. Besides, many people will appreciate your honest and straight forward approach. If the guy wants to continue seeing you after that, then great. But he should be given that option.

I don't think a tweet about children is going to help your chances. There is a time and place for everything and that sort of approach can put a person off. Next time, try to get it started in a conversation and remember that there's no shame in asking.

You will come across many men who want children but like the others have said, there are CF men out there. I'm not sure if there are any CF dating sites available but perhaps you can search for one if you're interested.
Don't fret. You will find the men you're looking for. You just need to learn where to find them. Keep positive and be honest about who you are regardless of what anyone thinks.

Hello. The way I see it, you have three options.
A. You can check out one of these online dating sites, often they will ask if you want children or not; there is even an online dating site for those who do not want children!

B. Check out your local NOKidding chapter.

C. Find a much older man.

I wish you the best, and you're not alone.

I am going to check out NoKidding - never knew there was such a thing.

I have been telling my husband, and everyone around the world -- friends, colleagues, relatives -- that I do not want to have children. From the very first date, because I have already had relationships dissolve over the issue. And what? Having been married for 2 years, my husband just thought that "maybe he actually wants them". Am aching at the prospect of losing this relationship, but I think it is best now than 10 years down the line. My biggest fear is that, even if I do find again someone who would not want to have children, somewhere down the road they will change their mind. How do you pick the truly-childfree men, and not the fence-sitters?

Hey Rosie, men are fools and they make you feel worthless and rejected for all kinds of reasons so at least you don't have to guess why : )

Don't be afraid to tell it like it is but maybe wait until the third date. Dating is hard enough. No need to bring all that up right away. You might not even like the guy after a 2nd or 3rd date anyway.

I used to be on a few dating sites a lot a while back. I actually met my boyfriend of 5 years now on Cupid.com and he was pretty upfront about his unique situation from the start (not gonna get into that here) and I was too (have 1 kid DO NOT want more EVER).

There's actually a profile option on some sites that says no kids/not interested in kids or something like that or you can just add it in there like somebody else suggested. Aren't there a few dating sites specifically for cf peeps?

I found exactly what I was looking for on Cupid because it allowed me to weed out the wrong types much faster.

As is always my style, I lay out all my cards before things get serious, this serves two purposes, to let them know about key issues like the child issue, and to see if their worth keeping. Usually I make it pretty clear from the very first moment that I don't want children and no I won't change my minds. If they go down that "you'll change your mind" road, I usually say "if you want kids, keep moving, I don't want any, won't give you any, and certainly won't consider it" it sounds terrible but I don't like playing games. So I make it clear to them from the first moment that if this is going to be an issue, keep moving, it's not worth trying to make a relationship work if the child issue will become an issue. My suggestion is to be down right honest with them, don't beat around the bush, don't hint around to it, say it out front and be straight with them. They deserve to know all the honest facts before hand, same as you deserve to know if they want kids or not to judge weather a relationship is worth pursuing. I know I sound horrible but I prefer things honest and upfront and I'm sure others prefer knowing these things before hand as well. No harm in being honest and trying to be nice too, I'm just a no-nonsense type of person lol.

There are no guarantees Muppet. We all take our chances. But you have a better chance of not running into this specific problem if a man is flat out telling you he never wants children as you do. Of course there's always a small chance he may change his mind down the road but at least you made a right choice at the time. Just don't bother with a man who says he thinks he's not sure whether he want kids or he can take 'em or leave 'em. Your best bet is when he says he doesn't want them at all. Ever.