BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Something I just learned

I found this site when I was looking for some advice about getting over bad relationships.

It's: truthaboutdeception.com

When I looked under Cheating, there is a category about Disengagement (Polite, Hostile, and Confused).

BOY was I shocked to take the quiz's and see that the signs are identical to domestic violence!

Does this mean that domestic violence actually starts with someone who Wants Out, but knows it'll be costly and disruptive, so they take it out on their spouse?

I hadn't ever thought of that, and I wish I would have known because it would have saved a lot of pain.

If I'd have realized He.Wants.Out.He.Doesn't.Love.ME.
I would have saved so much of my life.

Well, I wanted to share this site with you and see what you think. If it helps one person I'll be blessed.

Tucsongirl: I always got the feeling that my husband wanted me to leave him. He used to tell my straight away to my face that he wanted to divorce me. He didnt need me anymore. When i was with him, i was pretty clear that he wanted out, thats why i made it easier for him by moving out myself. And i did that out of rejection. I felt he didnt love me, he hates me, and abuses me so logical choice would be to end it. I was actually surprised when i saw him at my doorstep two weeks after i had left him. For me, it was a shock because i never expected him to do that. He was never the type to apologize, to express anything. I had always thought that when i would leave him, he would be happy and would straightaway look for another girl. He didnt. And that really surprised me. He told me that he had started taking me for granted, he didnt realize how much he loved me until i moved out. Thats why i gave him another chance and ofcourse he blew it. The abuse got worse actually. Such people never want an equal status relationship. Ofcourse they always want out but their problem is they cant survive without having a punching bag available to them at all times. Thats why they probably start stalking and asking for us to come back and stuff. Or maybe they have their own twisted definition of LOVE.

I agree with you 100%.

I spent a lot of years (after divorce) finding me. And the following years trying to figure out what 'happened' so I never go there again.

Even tho it is considered a 'normal' thing for men to stop their honeymoon behavior when they have the security of a spouse,

and it's 'normal' for women to miss that, and to try hard to keep romance alive,

there is a perfect storm brewing when she begins to give up her own preferences and self, in the name of love and peace.

The other half of the storm are (bad) men who believe that the love and devotion women give them is a sign of weakness ~ and gives men power over them.

That feeling of power is a sicko compensation for their own feelings of inferiority.

The more the woman tries to please, the more the man feels that power rush to behave like a monster.

He preys on her ability to love and forgive (and to have hope) when he begs for another 'chance'.

Oh how I wish schools would teach about this.

I think what you may be seeing in the similarities is how a lot of problems that people have are rooted in the false idea that we can change how we feel by controlling those around us - an external value system. Chronic cheaters will believe that they will be happy with someone else, and abusers believe it is all someone elses fault that they are miserable, and that the abuser should punish the people who aren't doing exactly whatever it takes to make them happy at the moment.
It is my own personal belief that almost every problem we have in society is rooted in this external value idea.
True happiness comes from within, however, acknowledging what we really have control over, and taking accountability for that in our lives. When we do that, we have authentic relationships with others. We can't blame our miseries on other people when we take responsibilities for our own happiness.
It is this blaming that is the root of cheating, abuse, drug addictions, and just general bad behavior.

I agree with you that domestic violence abusers are broken and can only be fixed by themselves (when and if they realize they are broken).

What I'm trying to convey is that it is crystal clear that all of us have a universal story that is only different in the details.

I'm trying to follow that truth to a solution. We all know what happened, we are trying to figure out how it happened and how to get it to stop.

We are all trying to save ourselves.

It is very important to me that I know in my bones how to recognize the people who are broken so that I never get involved, and abused, again.

I feel that abusers are sick and broken and not cureable because they don't want to be. They could never face themselves and their actions, or show 'weakness' by asking for help.

So. Doesn't that mean the solution has to come within ourselves?

Your comments ring true to me:

That part of me (willingness to give up myself, to please, to ignore warning signs, to stay for assorted reasons) has GOT to be fixed if I am EVER going to have a happy sound relationship.