BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie looking for some CF-related movies

I've been browsing CF forums for years believing that I'll never actually find myself in the situation where I need to join one for emotional support. To cut a long story short, my problem is the "he wants kids, I don't" situation that repeats itself on every page of this forum. Too many women in this situation, it seems! Also there is the problem of my relationship being interracial and his conservative parents not tolerating me, and applying heavy pressure for grandchildren. I'm looking for movies (mainstream, foreign or indie, anything will do) that show the process of trying to get pregnant, pregnancy itself, childbirth and child-rearing in a less-than-positive light. Let's call it "realistic". Would any of you ladies advise using such a movie to illustrate your point about not wanting to have kids to a partner who is on the opposite side of the fence? Looking forward to any recommendations!

movies that dont show having kids in a positive light? uhhhhh, ummmm...sorry not off the top of my head. but if I think of any, I will definately let you know. normally I think of teenage pregger movies...

the best example I feel to show someone the negative side of kids is at the store or restaurant. ever see a kid have a temper tantrum or see a stressed parent completely lose it? well, if I was a parent you'd see me losing it. "Stop that! shut up, you ungrateful brat!" I always think when I see that, that would be me. a terrible mom who cant deal with their kids.

you did not mention whether or not he is a BF of husband. if you are still dating you may need to rethink the relationship. I would hate to see you find youself gettin a divorce because he can not go along with the CF choice in the end. A lot of guys seem to think CF woman will change their minds because we are supposed to have some sort of maternal drive. and that is the biggest wrong assumption a guy can make.

as for his family he needs to tell them to be respectful of you and your choice. forcing grandkids is absurd. and believe me if you have read any of my rants I have some very nasty sisters in law who we no longer speak too. a family pressuring another to have kids for their own needs or desires is selfish.

He is just a long-time partner for now. We are planning to get married next year, after which I am to begin my Master's Degree. The children thing is a problem because neither of us really wants them but he feels a very strong duty to please his parents. This has never been an issue in our relationship before he was forced to move back in with his parents recently. We had lived together for a long time, planning our career-oriented, lots-of-romantic-couple-time, lots-of-travel future. Now we live in separate countries with his parents messing with his mind, and having a webcam as the only means of communication...

Welcome Pixiegirl to the BellaOnline Forums and I am so glad to see you have started to post. Have an AWESOME day/night.

ok, I see. that is rough to be away from him and it certainly doesn't help that his family is messing with his mind or pressuring him. having children to please your family is one of the worst reasons to have kids. you should never make huge life choices if they are only to please other people.

I am not asking in a racist way, but what country is his family from? I know other cultures have different ways of thinking.

some CF people struggle with their choices as we all have different reasons for being child free. it is a matter of remembering your reasons and knowing how your life would change if you brought a baby into the mix.

I don�t think there are any movies out there that show someone who had a baby and regretted it because it would upset too many people. I believe marriages break up over children all the time, just no one ever admits that. We are a rare breed because we are able to say what many cannot. we say "No, I will not have kids just because it is what society and family expects us to do"

Why do you not want to have kids?
For me, my reasons are I�m not into kids and I can�t stand being around them, my childhood was not the best and I don�t want to recreate that because I will only be only playing another role in a story I don�t like, and I saw a c-section video when I was a teenager that has haunted me ever since.

Since you are going for your masters ( you go girl! Rock on with your bad self! Congrats and kudos!) you must be a smart lady with goals. Maybe I don�t know any movies with children in a negative light but I can name some celebrities who have full and happy lives without kids. Ready? Oprah, Suze Orman, Rachel Ray, Cameron Diaz, Helen Mirren, Renee Zellweger and the lovely Betty White. (and these are just a few ladies!)


always be true to yourself and you'll never be led astray.

His parents are Catholic and Korean. He is Atheist. Wow, I could actually write an entire book full of reasons. Let's just say I never wanted a child and I'm absolutely sure I will not change my mind. Also, since he's not interested in kids either and wants to focus on his career, guess who'd have to stay home, give up her further studies and take care of an unwanted baby? He has not been giving me any pressure. I'm just worried what will happen to his attitudes and beliefs about life while he stays in the same house with his super-traditional hell-bent-on-babies parents. Actually, the very thought of this entire situation makes me want to shut myself out and refuse to talk to anyone for at least a month! I need to calm down!

Please, please, please ~ settle this issue BEFORE you get married !!

This is between you and your spouse ~ No one else. It's a personal decision for the TWO OF YOU to discuss.... NOT HIS PARENTS. I cannot believe the audacity of his parents to meddle in your private affairs.

Be firm....be strong...be courageous !

cp

Oh boy. Well, you've come to the right place for support. Unfortunately I can't think of any movies that might illustrate your point. There are a bajillion perfectly decent movies that throw a baby in at the end just for good measure and ruin the whole film though. Hmm, how about Up? They couldn't have a baby but still ended up being so in love. The grumpy old man clearly doesn't love children and although he befriends one I don't think he feels any regrets. That's not exactly what you were looking for though.

Anyway, please listen to cream pie and Marie. Settle it once and for all before taking the plunge into marriage. My husband is from a traditional Catholic culture too and though he's atheist, his family believes a family is a family only if they have children. He has basically said "you do you and I'll do me" to them, and they just have to accept it.

Those types of influences always think they are doing what's best but they only stand in the way of things. Hopefully your boyfriend will realize that his family will get over it and love him no matter what and he will respect your wishes. If not I'm afraid I'd have to let him go.

Having a baby to please my husband would cause irreparable resentment between us. Keep in mind that just having children doesn't immunize you from divorce either. If there are problems with or without kids and then the kids exacerbate those problems, then you're more likely to end up splitting up and having those kids full time while he sees them on weekends.

It's better to nip it in the bud right now. Talk to him and let him know just how passionately you feel about it. Maybe take him on a trip to Disney World. You'll have a great time but you'll also get first hand examples of what having kids is really like as you stand in line.

Pixiegirl,

My husband is half Korean, so there is one thing you must know: Koreans are very family-centered people, and it seems that they couldn't imagine that there are actually couples that choose not to have kids. On a more fortunate note, my mother-in-law has never applied any type of stern pressure on me to have kids, although whenever I see her, it's always "When you have kids [this], when you have kids [that]" when talking about routines and other common conversational chit-chat.

Given all of this, my husband and I decided prior to marriage that we did not want to have children. We were 21 at the time, and so many people (including his family and mine) told us things like -- "You'll change your mind when you're older" or "Your priorities will change after you're married for a while". And you will get that rif-raff for a long time. Nine years later, we are getting it more than ever, especially since I've hit the big 3-0. But you have to deal with both family and friends' pressure the best way you know how and not lose heart.

Although he is from a child-centric family, my husband has his own resolve to make decisions about kids based on his/my own wishes/dreams and not that of his parents. Your husband can do the same. Keep encouraging him to make his own decisions on kids based on what the two of you want and not his parents. Being married means severing those parental ties and living your own life as a married couple. Good luck!

The new Sex and the City movie shows the realistic difficulties of one of the characters coping with kids. And if it's that hard for her while being rich, think about how much more demanding it is for everyone else!