BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I like my soon-to-be-stepson, but...

I don't know if I'll ever come to love him. Is that awful of me to say? He has some behaviors that I don't like and it is difficult for me to see him behave in a way that I don't approve of. I know that he gets his way a lot when he is with his mom...it is easier for her to give in than to be a parent and tell him no/discipline him. He's an only child and wants what he wants, when he wants it, and most people give in to that. He is also a bit arrogant and brags about how great he is at everything sports related (my kids can't compete with that and it frustrates them too). I guess that it is still early, I've only known him for 8 months. But do I have to love him? I love his Dad and we are planning to get married. Will this be a problem in the future? I don't expect my BF to love my kids, but if it happens then that's great. What I do expect is for my boyfriend to be a positive role model for my children, and help support me with raising them, I'm not looking for a baby-daddy...they have a father.

Pasusan,

Relax, you don't have to love him, my stepdaughter and I have a good relationship but the love is very slow to develop and even now I don't miss her when she is at her mothers. We have her 50/50. I just know I am her stepmother, I do what I need to for her and I don't mind but it's not love that I feel for my brother, mum, dad even her father. It is what it is. Moments of joy. Moments of sheer frustration., to the point of dislike at times. I have realised I just have to rise above it. I am childfree, I chose that lifestyle...but I love her dad more than anything and she is part of that package. Just relax, it is what it is. I know others may feel you should shower them with all your love nuture them as if they were your own - reality check - they're not, they never will be so just concentrate on building 'a relationship' let it be what it is, do your best for the child and see where it leads without the guilt you are piling on yourself.

I wish you all the very best!

Hi Pasusan02, just wanted to welcome you to the BellaOnline site. I see you have posted for the FIRST TIME. Thanks for sharing with us and we look forward to hearing more from you.

That response jeannie actually makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I was feelling like I had to love my SS like my own. He livs with us FT, his mom is in another state. I don't really expect him to love me back. He does have his mom to love, even if she's lacking in giving it back to him. I have always just wanted him to know I'll be there as his friend. I'lll respect him and while he lives with me and his father, he will respect us too. I have to learn to stop some things so personally. That's very hard to do when you think they're not listening to you cuz you are the step parent! Anyway, good luck Pasusan!

Your post made me feel better. I have 2 stepkids with my boyfriend. I too am child-free by choice but I love my bf very much and accept his kids. thank you for your post. :)

I'm having the same issue with my SS. He'll be 9 this weekend and he will openly tell me he does not love me. I don't expect him to, but it's almost as if he likes to rub it in that I am NOT his mother and that he doesn't have to love me. Some days it's extremely difficult...

The ability of kids to manipulate and control adults is AMAZING! If we truly didn't care how they felt about us or whether or not they loved us...they would never have that power over us. We do care and that's what makes it so frustrating when we do not receive the respect and recognition we expect. Love can take time and it can never be demanded; but respect and structure can be achieved immediately. Work as a family on reasonable expectations and the consequences and rewards associated with them. Fairness and consistency will create a secure environment and pave the way for loving relationships.