BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Dealing with my BF's son

I've been separated for over 2 years now, and have been with my boyfriend since January of this year. He is amazing and we have everything in common, even our parenting philosophy. The one challenge I'm having is with his son. He is an only child, and a bit spoiled and arrogant (I have 2 kids, they aren't perfect either, but this is something that he even admits about his son and everyoe around him can notice it). My boyfriend tells me that everything he does, every decision he makes is with me and our future in mind....great! He is looking at the long term. What I have problems with are the little things on a daily basis, feeling like I am competing with his son for his attention, he will interrupt us when we are having a serious discussion, will want his dad to sleep with him at night, he wants what he wants when he wants it, etc. I worry that I'll never be #1 in his heart/mind. I know....It's his son...I get that.....but I also know that if we are going to have a good honest relationship/marriage that we have to be on the same page and a team as far as parenting goes. I'm not a perfect parent, have made my share of mistakes and like I said, my kids aren't perfect either. I don't want to feel like I have to defer to his son on everything or else suffer his tantrum/pouting (the boy is 10 and knows how to work his dad and his mom). His son wants us to get married, keeps asking his dad when it will happen. I worry that this will tear us apart, and that he won't be strong enough to stand by me through the difficult parenting times (I know that I'll probably be viewed as the wicked step-mother since I have rules that I expect a child to follow...ha ha).

He sounds like a great guy - but get the rules down NOW....or walk away.

If you can't - try also bonding with the child on your own if you can. Let him know you are not there to take his dad away.

hi................. With respect, much as he should treat her. Why would he want to be with someone who disrespected his child's mother? Whether or not you like the ex, you'll make life so much easier for the boyfriend--and, especially, his child--if you can keep the child's welfare as your top priority in your dealings with the ex. thanks :wall:

I had somewhat the same issue with my boyfriends girls which is funny because I'm the one with the only child. I think kids act that way when they feel threatened or they are not getting enough good attention from the parent.

We had a pretty serious discussion about all this and came up with all kinds of solutions that have really made a difference.

#1 You and especially dad have to get it across to him that you are not there to come between them. There is no competition and dad has enough love for everybody plus you care about him too and want him to grow up feeling loved.

#2 Set rules about nobody interrupts when somebody is having a serious conversation ever. We used to have this problem all the time with all 4 of them but not anymore.

#3 Set aside adult time where you can talk about serious stuff or funny stuff or just relax with no kids around. We either go to our room and shut the door for 10 min. or go for a walk and let them fend for themselves here at home. At first they hated this but now it's no big deal. They know we are having couples time and everybody gets their parent back soon enough.

#4 Determine if is dad spending enough quality time with him? My guess is no. Make him do it. I did this and it made a huge difference in the girls attitude towards me. They actually want me to come sometimes and I say no it's daddy daughters time but we'll see you soon.

#5 Don't try to fight everything. It's not worth it. Pick your battles wisely and remember that you are not a wicked step mom just because you want to feel like you're a priority in your man's life. Talking about all this and focusing on solutions vs. behaviors is what helps : )