BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I don't love my step daughters at all

I am new here and hope you can not be judge mental of what I have to say cause I am already beating myself up and really want some help :eek: I have been married to my husband for 5 yrs and 2 years ago his former wife died and left behind 2 girls. We moved from your home to where they lived and now they live with us full time. Our relationship was strained before taking on his girls but now it is to breaking point. They are not naughty but they don't include me in anything and they are totally non communicative with their father and with me. He is a non communicator so it probably seems to be normal to them but it is driving me to distraction and I cannot form any type of bond with them in any way. I provide for them and do things for them but I feel nothing for them and to be honest don't want to be a stepmother at all. My only option is to leave and then I am hurting them and my husband and failing at my marriage. I really would like to hear from anyone who has been in this situation or has any words of advice cause I a desperate and need help plzzzzzz

Honestly, your husband has no choice but to be a dad to his daughters right now.

If you all do not want to go to a family counselor, then maybe you should look at all of your options - you say your marriage was already strained before the girls.....??

I know that he has no choice and that is why I choose to try to do this and yes I have been trying desperately to get to see counselors not only for myself but for him and for his children and for my daughter who has been dragged into this whole mess. I do understand their predicament as my mother died when I was 5 and when I was the same age as his youngest daughter my dad remarried and I too had a step mother who could not cope with the situation. I don't want to be a [censored] and I don't want to hurt them or him but with lack of counseling available the road ahead seems all uphill. I am beginning to believe that the kindest thing I could do is to leave but then I have failed at my marriage and at step parenting. I have already been married twice before and don't relish failing again. I know the fault lies in me a lot and yes I have been to counselling several times but the problem is not only me! It takes everyone to want to make this work and I can't make it work by myself.

Bear with me here, narnasue -- sometimes I just cut straight to the basics with what I feel to be the thing to do based on my own feelings.

If I were in your situation I would by this time see it as the time to make a final decision. My main focus and priority would be on my own daughter and myself and our happiness in a less stress-free life. I would make it clear to my husband that we have two choices: fix it or leave it.

I have been in a very similar situation and for the happiness of my own children and myself (and sanity) chose to leave it and focus on myself and own children.

It seems as if you have tried and done all you could to make your marriage and relationship with the step-daughters work, but to no avail. What is this situation doing to your daughter? How is this situation affecting the relationship you have with your own daughter? Will your daughter pick up the same attitude eventually from her step-sisters? Is your daughter happy? Are you happy? Have you discussed the problems with your step-daughters and asked them to help you make a happy family? Have you told your husband you need to have this resolved now or you will have to leave? Do you really love your husband? Does he really love you? Has he tried to help you make the situation better? Is he at all concerned about all this?

If the answer to all these questions is negative, then leaving the marriage seems to be the best option. If you stay in the situation, it may only get worse. Sometimes, people in similar situations find the way to make it work and go on to have a very happy life together.

I get the impression that "failing" the marriage is one, (if not the main), of your strong concerns. If you can let go of the thought of "failing" and replace that word with "resolving" then maybe you will see all this in a different light. It is not a failure to protect the happiness and well-being of your daughter and yourself.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and a loving future full of joy and happiness.

thankyou for your words. Yes failing is a huge sore point with me and that means failing at anything. I didn't want to fail and I didn't want to make this whole thing such a mess. I didn't want to hurt anyone but I have successfully done that it seems. Yes to leave is really I think the only option but to do that I have to go back to square one which is bottom rung of the ladder. I left a good job to come here and had an established house, albeit a rented one. I now don't know where to go as my daughter has nearly finished school and she needs to establish herself and I don't know where she wants to go. I will then have to decide where to go and how to get there. All this stems on how much money I don't have now. I feel I need to stay at least until my daughter has finished school as I have already disrupted her life enough. Sorry but all seem hopeless right now and to fix it would have been better than to try to pick up the broken pieces before they shattered. Just feeling very hopeless right now and very scared of how to make any good out of this whole thing. Sorry to sound sorry for myself but also very sorry for all involved to believe me

It is sad for everyone involved when marriages do not work. You mentioned that your daughter is nearly finished with school. High school? If the daughters are old enough to soon be on their own, is it possible you and your husband will be able to work it out and make the marriage work?

my daughter is 17 but his are 15 and 11 so she will probably leave the home cause she doesn't like it here and does not relate to them in any way. I am so afraid of how things will be when she leaves and that leaves just me and 'them'. It isn't that I don't want to get on with them but I just can't relate to them cause they are so totally different to my children. My sons are grown and having families of their own. They also find it hard to relate to them as well. I know everyone is different but mine are chatty and tell each other near everything and his don't speak EXCEPT when I am not there. I have tested this by being in the bedroom while they have dinner. They never had sit down at the table and all eating dinner before I came along. Now they do but when my daughter and I are there there is silence but my not being there they actually talked, not as much as we do, but they talked. That tells me that they feel that we are an intrusion in their lives.

The strongest thing I feel to express is that you don't have to have the entire picture set up in order to do something. I felt what you were saying more than anything. In a situation like that, if I was the one to be in such, I would make arrangements, even if it was to rent a small place and start the process of moving. If my daughter was 17 I would expect she would have some understanding of my reasoning and what it was that I was sensing and had affirmed with testing the situation. That's me though and that's also provided I had seen this for a period of time.

If this is all new, I would first approach my husband with how I felt. If he was uninterested and what was going on was going on, I would share even further how I felt and what some of my options were and what I was considering doing. I wouldn't do this to just get a reaction however. I would actually already have looked around at some local places to go - something short term. Once I could think straight I would make a further move.

If I was loved and needed for who I am, not just a prop in a setting, the short term lease would be available to reconsider. If not, then it was a temporary place that could give me clairty of thinking and go on to do what I felt would be best for me and the relationship with my daughter.

With you on this one. I also have 3 step-daughters but I have no kids of my own. It is a nightmare. The only thing my husband & I fight about are his kids. They make me feel like an outsider. I have no bond with them at all - after 5 years. I am not sure our marriage will make it will make it. I have always been kind to them but their mother turns them against me and aaarrgghhhhh....... it is such nightmare and you get no help. Their mother has borderline personality disorder so she really is crazy but the girls still love her - although they have horrific fights with her..and my husband is so traumatized from his marriage to her, he shuts down whenever we have conflict.

Children are intuitive. I don't want to pass judgement or blame, but do you think (maybe) they're not including you because they already FEEL that you don't love them? They're quite young and their mother has died and that's a hard pill to swallow. Instead of throwing in the towel, why not seek family counselling to aknowledge the death, the communication deficits, and the insecurities I would bet EVERYONE is feeling? This situation requires a lot of work and it's only been 2 years. Don't be that same step-mom you once had. Break the cycle. Start small. Have a weekly family meeting. A designated time. Start off by talking about the fun things. Order pizza. Limit the time at first. As the idea sells, start bringing up more serious issues/concerns. Be objective. Be creative.. I don't know your kids. You definitely don't want to make it into some big joke. You didnt say how you feel about your husband. Do you love him? If you look deep into your heart - exclude all the worries/insecurities - do you love him? OR do you just want SOMETHING in life to work? At the end of the day, what is it that you want for you? If everyone started communicating and included you into the family, would that be enough to make you happy? I just want to make sure your sadness/frustration isn't misplaced .. meaning, is this really about what they're doing/not doing or is this more about you?