BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Picking up the Pieces

Hi, I am new here. I just first want to say that I admire everyone here who is strong enough to fight back against the cycle of abuse. I was with my husband for 18 years, since I was 16. He was always a bit controlling, didn't like me to spend time with my friends, would constantly insult my friends and family. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to the mall with my mom for the day without feeling guilty for leaving him alone. He has no friends, was not close to his family, and blamed me for his loneliness, saying, "If we are good, then I am good. The only think I need in the world is for us to be happy, then I am happy." But that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to spend time with my family, I wanted to have close girlfriends. In the past 2 years, I got my Master's Degree and things have just started to get worse. In Oct, I went out with friends one night, and the later it got, the more scared I got to call or come home, because I knew he would freak out. A few days later, he threw everything of mine into the backyard, kicked my dogs out and set them free in the neighborhood, and called me while I was teaching school to tell me to get the f* out and find a new place to live. Within an hour, he had cancelled my debit card and my cell phone. When I came home to try and calm him down, he broke my dresser into pieces at my feet. When the kids came home from school, they were traumatized, of course and he felt bad. Later that day, he said he was sorry, the whole regret thing - but wouldn't help me pick up anything - so I spend the next week putting together new furniture and picking up the pieces. In March, my sister got married and I went to her bachelorette party in Vegas. I was so nervous because I knew there would be reprocussions down the line. When I came home, he seemed normal. Two days later, I had to go to a cake tasting with my sister. When I got home, he was being argumentative, so I went to bed to avoid fighting. He came into the bedroom, and said, "Do you know your the worst wife in the world?" and left. I just laid there and pretended like I was sleeping. He came back and said, "Do you know you're a shithole of a mother?" Again, I pretended to sleep. My son asked to be tucked in, so I got up to do that and went right back to bed. He came in and said, "What you get up for? A cookie? You fat pig." He came in a total of 7 times that night, each time the insults getting worse. The next day, he said it was because he was so lonely. I told him this wasn't my fault, that I had encouraged him to go make friends, get a hobby, join a sport, but he refused. Of course, this set off another round of fighting. In April, I had my sister's bridal shower at my house. It was all women, so he had to leave. Having no friends, and nowhere to go, he went to a bar and got very drunk. He showed back up at the shower a few hours later and started by sweeping all of the glass off of the counter with his arm - in front of a kitchen full of ladies. Then, he insulted my sister and made her cry. Then, he started cussing out some of my coworkers. Everyone ran out of there and I tried to leave to, but he blocked me, took my keys, threw a drink at me.. I was able to run away to my friends car. He had a GPS on my phone (got to love Att family map) and tracked me down. He tried to physically pull me out of the bar, but got thrown out by bouncers. He came home (luckily the kids were both at friends houses that night) and destroyed the whole house. He punched holes in walls, broke mirrors, bookcases, anything wood or glass he could destroy. The garage looked like a bomb went off with dog food, weight equipment, everything everywhere - even blood on the walls from when he punched then and cut his knuckles. I went to the police station that night before I knew about this and they said there was nothing they could do, he hadn't touched me. Then, he showed up at my sister's to try and find me and we called the police. He took off and again, since he didn't hurt anyone, there was nothing they would do. I had to come home because of my children. They were again traumatized - and I was left to clean up - even though this time his remorse was so bad, he spent a lot of time cleaning up himself. My "breaking point" as my counselor calls it, happened exactly one month later. Teachers from school were going out to happy hour for the last day of school. They were my close friends and it was a tough year, finishing up my masters (4.0) and my sister getting married. I needed it. Of course, he didn't want me to go and make a big deal about whether he was invited or not. I told him that no other spouses were going, it was just teachers, but I would let him know. Well, I felt so guilty about him being home alone, that I called and invited him to join us. The kids (who are 12 and 15) had friends over, so he came - the whole time texting me things like, "you just need a driver.." making me feel like I really didn't want him there, I was just using him. Although it was more out of guilt. Well, he kept trying to get me to leave, but I wanted to stay. He could go if he wanted to. He started on a rant, in front of my coworkers, saying the most digusting, embarrassing, hateful things about me. They were all shocked, and telling him, "Why are you talking about her this way? What is wrong with you?" But then he would just insult them. My friend tried to get me to stay with her that night, but I said no, thinking that because my sons had friends sleeping over, my husband would not do anything to me that night. Well, I was wrong. I went to go to bed, and he wouldn't let me be. I begged him (quietly) to just leave me alone and let me sleep. I rolled on to the floor, saying I would sleep there, but he pulled me back up on the bed. He held me down by my face and wouldn't let me up. I wanted to scream but I knew I would wake up, and completely mortify, my children and their friends, so I quietly cried, "What you are doing is illegal, no, get off me, leave me alone." Finally, because he wasn't stopping, and I was in pain, I just gave up trying. I repeated a mantra in my head, "in the morning, I will go to the police" over and over again. I finally got to sleep for about 3 hours, when I was woken up by him trying to get on me again, I said no and he laughed and said, "go look at your face." I did. There were scratches and bruises down each side of my face. Seeing myself that way, at the moment, I believe, was my "breaking point." I got my things and went to my car. He tried to stop me, but I made an excuse that I was getting coffee and would be back. I drove straight to the police station and have never regretted it. I had bruises on my face, arm, breast, and pelvis. He was arrested, given an order of protection. I sat in fear everyday that he would come back and hurt me again. Instead, he is using other methods of control. I am a teacher, get paid very little, but love my job. He makes a ton of money. He decided not to pay the mortgage on this house - it has been 3 months now. Instead, he rented a new house, furnished the whole thing, bought a new car, and then bought the children a kitten. I am left here, trying to pay the bills (with no pay during the summer), see counselors, understand what I did to deserve all this, and try to act like a normal, stable mother in front of my children. I now have to move out of my house, because all of the bills and mortgage are completely out of my range as a teacher. This is my home, I teach on the same block, and I have established roots in this community. It is killing me to leave, but I now the longer I stay here, the longer he has control. He has never hurt my children, so I have allowed them to see him when they want to. However, what they see over there is dad with all of the $$, the new house with all the new furnishings, new car, kitten... wow.. isn't it so great at dads? And mom, depressed, scared, worried, not sure what to expect next. Dad is also telling them that I am doing this on purpose, that he didn't really hurt me, that I just wanted a divorce and this is the only way I could do it. Lies. I read Why Does He Do That, by Bancroft, and I have to say it is/was a mirror of my life. I have been suffering from verbal, emotional abuse for so long.. it only started to get physical in the last year. I want to believe that I can do this, but some days I get so sad. I feel like I have lost control of my life. I can't pay my bills, I feel like I will always be struggling. But at least I will be free, right? I know this was long, but I wanted to share my story. It feel good to know that I am not alone, that other people have survived and come out okay. I worry for my children, and how their relationships with women will be when they get older. I just hope I am setting the example that it is not okay to treat anyone like their dad was treating me. Thanks for listening.

You poor thing, I went thru verbal and physical abuse for 13 years. I thought I loved him and in a sick way I did. I had 2 little boys. I won't go into all the horror I indured it would take too long anyway. But he started to abuse the boys and even threw our kitten out the door and it hit a tree. I finally had enough and threw him out with the help of GOD AND FRIENDS. Yes he did come back many times and broke in beat me so one time you could barely recognize me and then proceeded to rape me.
As much as I loved my life in our small town I moved to the city 40 miles away. I applied to college and became a Registered Nurse. It was the best thing I ever could of done, it is not easy its lonely but be strong for your own sanity and your childrens. He eventally found a new woman and remarried and from what I hear is no different, she even landed in the hospital due to one of his drunken rages.
My children do have issues, even though they are grown, but they have grown into VERY SUCCESSFUL men. They both have ECXCELLENT jobs, make lots of money and are the best dads I have ever seen. They treat their children like gold as well as their wife's. You might have to leave all you love but it is worth it and you will survive and make a much better life for yourself. If you would like to talk to me further please email me at my yahoo account. Be strong, you CAN do it. With love from an ex abused woman. Many Blessings to you, you will be in my prayers. Linda

I honestly thank you for this reply. It is so hard to live day to day with these worries. I know I will be okay, but I worry so much about my boys. They are 12 and 15. I worry about their view of me, I worry about their viewpoint of other women, I worry about they way they face their anger or issues now and when they get older. I can't afford their school clothes, or books, or movies, or dinners.. I have let all my credit payments go, and am now not even sure I can pay my car payment or buy food. And, I was nominated for Teacher of the Year in my school district in Tempe last year... how is this possible? How can I go from someone who is respected to someone who can't even buy food to feed her chlldren? How can a person do this to another? How can someone be so cruel? I know it is the mind of the abuser, but I still can't accept what is happening to me.

Dear StrongGirl, I can totally understand what you are going through. People, family , friends, they just dont see the abusers real face. I just met a friend of my ex and he told me that my ex is the nicest guy he has ever met ! Believe me, these people are so cunning and sharp and they are really good at hiding their true selves. Im not surprised your husband is trying to woo your children. If you read lundy bancroft's book then you know why these psychos need allies. Its how they remain sane and dont feel guilty about what they are doing. They think like this: OH, EVERYBODY LOVES ME, IM VERY POPULAR, ITS ONLY HER THAT HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, REST OF THE WORLD IS OKAY WITH ME, THAT MUST MEAN ITS HER WHO HAS A PROBLEM, SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS CRAZY. and thats how they justify themselves. Be strong and hopefully with the passage of time your children will realize whats happening. First, try to stand on your feet and be independent. You have to survive this. And dont expect anything nice from him. Blv me, ive been there, i know how mean such men can get. If such people can hit us, they can do anything to us. Im also fighting this battle and im totally alone, in another country, away from family. And im surrounded by his friends who are helping him out even resorting to lies to get him out of the police case. Just blv in urself and appear confident in front of ur children. Dont appear depressed in front of them, Not everybody has money, but they are ur children, they love u, the only thing is that they are at that age that they dont really realize whats going on. I have been to the police, i have talked to people about him but blv me, nothing helps. Its US who have to help ourselves. Build a life for urself and that will be ur biggest revenge from him. I have personally come to this conclusion. I hope it helps. Prayers for you and for all others out there who are in a similar situation.

Hi, Thank you for your post! I can't imagine what it would be like if I was surrounded by his supporters and not my own. I know he has some people helping him - family and such - but I have been lucky that my family, my good teacher friends, and my counselors have been there to support me. My experience so far with the police has been a good one. They did arrest him and send him to jail twice - first for the assault and second for violating the order of protection. He keeps postponing his court date, so I have no idea if the courts will be tough. You know the saddest thing is, I don't hate him, or wish for him to go to jail. I want him to realize he has a problem and get help. I want him to admit what he did was wrong all these years. I don't want another woman to go through what I have. And, mostly, I just want him to leave me alone and let me live a happy life. I don't know how much of this is possible... but that's what I wish for. I am sending love your way and I hope you are able to overcome this situation and find happiness! All my best.

Exactly. Thats the whole point. We are not happy to report them. All we want is a sincere apology and them to admit their fault, WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN ! Thats why no matter what happens in court, or they are sent to jail, we dont get our peace. We dont get our closure. We will always hear that we deserved the abuse and thats what that HURTS !