BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Never wanted to be married and ending up divorced

Divorce is very difficult. Sometines people report that they never wanted to get married, but did and it ended up in divorce. What should be our message to our children be about this?

My thought is that I would tell my son, that if he is not deeply in love, with a tremendous amount of respect and a great method of communication, to not get married. Marriage is challenging enough, but if there is not a solid basis in the beginning, I believe it will be twice as difficult. What do you think?

[color:#330033] [/color] [size:11pt] [/size] [color:#330033] [/color] [b] [/b] I too did not want to get married due to bigger & better dreams then marriage. I STRONGLY THINK -- MARRIAGE IS OVERRATED!! I wanted to go to college, and travel -- see the world, do & experience a lot in life but thought I found Mr. Right -- at work. Little did I know that the respect wasn't very high or the Love. He was rude, & very disrespectful of me. He thought he could scold me in front of his family. Had a very condescending manner towards me. I really wish I would have taken "door number 1" He wasnt worth it at all. 8 yrs later contacted me to go for coffee or tea sometime. I told him to stay away from me. I knew what he was all about & I was not going backwards in life. It was time to go forward with my dreams & to meeet better men that he ever was. He was 8 yrs older than me but hardly acted mature. He never showed me who he really was during the dating phaze. The real person came out after signing the marriage license! I really hated the real person he ended up to be -- not my choice of a man. I was 21 when we got married and I assumed a lot -- I thought Love would get us thru the marriage. He didn't want to travel, didn't want me to go to college, didn't want me to keep my old friends. So instead of arguing I just prepared for a divorce by not making anymore bills and trying to pay down the billz WE had before getting out. Because of the bills, I wasn't able to leave right away -- I regret having soooo many bills. I also assumed that I was his main family & I would at least come first or be consider important in his life -- no hu huh- not one bit. HIs family and friends came first any & at all times. My dad made my Mom #1 b4 his family. It was more important to go see his parents than to stay and chose a lot for a house to be built so at that time I learned how unimportant I was. I also assumed that vacations would be like anybody elses -- traveling seeing other cities, states, etc. No, it was spent with his parents every yr for my WHOLE vacation. He said, you don't go there for a wk so He demanded the 2 wks of me with HIS PARENTS. I thought vacation was something a couple planned & talked about. He knew before we got married what OUR vacations would be like. It was spent solely at the fishing hole, they only spoke to talk about how to get the "big one", occassionally on old family memories. I never felt apart of him at any given time -- even felt strange taking his name, but I did! He never discussed anything with me just sprung it on me so there wouldn't be much of a discussion. Since that age, I've learned no matter the timeline -- it is up for discussion/argument!! It has bothered me for a long time why this man was put in my path especially when I wasn't even looking. I came from a super bad dysfunctional parents and deserved a better partner. Then to top it off he ended up being an imitation of my dad -- the main person I never got along with, YUK I really regret getting married SO young. I really needed to find out who I was -- it takes a while to find out who you are after high school is over so much emotional growing to do. I've had a few relationships since being divorced, it's hard for me to get close to a man or anyone. I'm scared of finding the same TYPE of person, not letting the real person come out during the dating phase!

It's so sad but true that some people don't let their true nature show until after the marriage ceremony. Sometimes, it take a few years of taking each other for granted; other times, the "real person" springs out right after the ceremony. I think it is because people have different expectations of a girlfriend or boyfriend versus those of a spouse. The roles are very different. There is a sense of ownership with a spouse.

In any case, how to do avoid this? It is very hard. I try to safeguard my son and his girlfriend but they are so young and idealistic. No matter the red flags, they feel they love each other enough ("we're soulmates!") and that all will be well.

I warn them that the two main reasons for divorce is not lack of love but financial and sexual incompatibility. Then, differences about family and child-rearing. I see rough roads ahead for them. They are forging ahead no matter what I say (which is typical of young people. I was one myself not too long ago!)

I will support and help them along the way because they do love each other. Enough? Only time will tell. I think they do, but they will experience a lot of painful personal growth along the way. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

I believe that people get married for their own reasons and it is the reasons that can be wrong. I married my first husband because his mother was coming out from Scotland, the marriage didn't last. Today marriage certainly does not mean forever to a lot of people getting married, as divorce is always a fallback and socially acceptable. The trick is to make sure you are both getting married for the same reasons and your commitment is the same. This means good communication before the marriage.

I would agree completely that a couple should both the very sure they want to be married. If someone goes into it with grave reservations, that is a huge hurdle to overcome. Marriage is hard enough as it is!

RE: I warn them that the two main reasons for divorce is not lack of love but financial and sexual incompatibility. Then, differences about family and child-rearing. I see rough roads ahead for them. They are forging ahead no matter what I say (which is typical of young people. I was one myself not too long ago)

Interesting post - Just had this same conversation with my step daughter. She is getting married next year. I've suggested counseling, and also asked if she had any idea what their pre marriage meetings with their minister would be about. Hope it got her thinking.
Sundancer
EmbroideryFashionsBoutique

I never had a desire to get married. I got married, at age 18, because my now ex-husband told me to marry him or move out. My only choice if I moved was to move back with my parents, and I hated my dad. So I married him, knowing full well we would end up divorced.

Now that I am older, wiser and stronger I will never make that mistake again. Luckily my bf is okay with just being together and never getting married. I have no children, and never will, to give a message to. But my advice to others is DON'T DO IT! Marriage is nothing more than a legal, financial contract between the couple and the gov't to share assets and liabilies. You don't need a piece of paper to be together and know that you love the other person. Plus the wedding industry is a crock of s--t ready to give it to you from behind any chance they get.