BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Untitled....

I dont know whats going on with me.... I picked up a second job so that I can get some more saving done until I leave.. But lately I'm not as happy I thought I would be. Yes I'm happy to have the oppourtunity to work and have an abuser who is semi-ok with that. But its almost like a reality check that I have to find the courage to leave and STAY AWAY... I havent figured out what would be harder actually walking out the door or staying away. I do not want to live in fear. I do not want to start over. But more than anything I dont want to live the way I am now. I feel as though I dont have the will power to stay away and will return not out of love but out of fear and out of convience. Its a hard feeling to really pin point but I know a lot of you survivors would understand what I feel. I just hope that everything will work out for me in the long haul because I'm really unsure of my future once I leave.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of thinking. Thinking is good. Thinking Worst Case Scenarios good. This is where problems can be solved even before they happen. My inner rule is to spend equal time imagining Best Case Scenario, which is not as easy as it sounds when there is turmoil. (Your mind keeps sneaking back into the other room and you have to keep dragging it back). Best Case Scenario is where plans get made and where hope, imagination, and resourcefulness live. I know it is hard work. Esp. when someone else has gotten into your head telling you WHAT to think so much that you forget HOW to think. You and I have talked about the dreaded "I told you so's". The one you want to avoid the most will come from the abuser if you return to him - so Worst Case that scenario and think it thru to every concievable outcome. I got ahold of myself by repeating: I CAN learn and I CAN do it and I AM smart. And I know you are too, from your writings.

You have to get out and STAY OUT. Blv me, dont worry about the future once u leave, BECAUSE, even if u stay, still u dont know what ur future is? U get my point? FUTURE is always unpredictable, something you dont know about but u can control. And i am sure u will have a better future, atleast u'd be safe and independent. Look. Im not going to pretend that it will be easy. BUT YOU HAVE TO. ITS A MUST. U HAVE TO SURVIVE and u will survive. Plan all details. And rest leave to fate. Blv me, dont ever think about going back. I did. Several times. It doesnt work. Psychopaths NEVER change because they dont feel remorse for what they do. ONLY those people change who have a conscience. But ppl like our abusers, dont have any guilty feelings and remorse so they CANT change. I am now surrounded by good people, supporting people who think im smart, im good. You will also find good understanding friends and then u will realize how precious u were and what a loser he is. You dont deserve this. You deserve better. You are a princess of ur own world. Dont let him get into ur head !!! and if u think silly things, just write them down here and we will all pull you back ! Nobody here will let u down but plz...dont let urself down...be brave..love urself and hate him as much as possible. HATE is a good way to stay away. I now hate my husband so much that even if i see him somewhere in my work place (we work in the same building), i feel sick. Now i am seeing reality very clearly. I never saw his flaws when we were together. But now i see him and i say to myself "Oh my God, i was in love with him? I let him into my life? what a loser i am?" hehe...and this makes me feel better. So whenever you have negative thoughts, think about how bad he is with you and how miserable u r now and DONT FORGET THESE FEELINGS EVER ! Time mostly makes us forget little things. Like how bad the situation was and the things he must have done to u. BUT DONT FORGET THIS ONCE YOU MOVE OUT. Write them somewhere after you leave and read them daily. or just write here. u can send me message anytime and [censored] about ur ex. This will help u stay focused and u wont ever forget what he did to u and it will make u stay away. Once ure used to ur new life and ure better then it will be easier to stay away... Dont ever forget what he did to u, and dont forgive him. Atleast not in the near future. Dont think like a saint that oh i must forgive him, this n that. That will only make u weak. BUt yes, once ure settled, he is out of ur life and head, and u hav ur own life and stuff to do and think abt, then let go... My prayers are with you.

@tuscongirl thank you. You are so right about giving the best case scenario just as much though as the worst. All that I have been doing was thinking about the worst case and in a way I was rationalizing like is that worth it? Should I just stay? Because sometimes I don't feel that I am strong enough to deal with what may follow. But I think about how unhappy he has made me over the years and how he managed to slowly break me down mentally and physically and I eventually come back to my senses. But I don't want to have any thoughts like that. Because I don't ever want staying to be an option. I just get so mad at the fact that I will be uprooting myself just to flee a dead beat loser like him! But I know I deserve better. The only time I write anymore is when I'm on the computer and on sites such as this because the one time that I did write I got so upset and just started writing "I'm done" over and over again.. he came by and was like "what you writing that for??!" and I just told him it was a song and his exact words were, "it better be because I say when its done".....after that I have not written another word. I'm so sick of him and I just need my sanity and some happiness.....
@lostforever. You too were right on the money with EVERYTHING you said. I am learning to hate him more and more...(which is weird to say when we are talking about a man that abused me in so many ways for so long) but I am. Just when it looks or feels as tho things are different and on the brink of getting beter I remember everything that he has put me through and I am overcome with anger and sheer hatred. I too can't believe that I fell for a loser like him. I look at him and ask myself how or why? I am a good person who prides herself on makin people feel better about themselves and he takes pride in seeing me suffer. What kind of match is that? I'm keeping mental notes of all the things that he does or has done because this will be what carries me through the hard times when I do make that step to leave. Because once I leave it will be for good! I have played the saint role and said the same things that you have about staying and waiting for the change that always seems to be a day away (but that day never comes). I feel as though I can't do it anymore. But like I said before its like a growing doubt that I need to learn to shake off. I just wish more people in my everyday life would understand the way you guys do. But they really don't. But I'm lucky and grateful to be a part of site where people do understand. And even after I leave I will continue to be a part of it in hopes to help someone in my shoes and stay connected to those who have escaped..... I also think its funny how you mentioned the book of memories of everything your abuser has put you through as a way to stay away. Because I was just thinking about that the other day. I think that would be very theroputic. Great minds think alike! And thank you for extending the line of communication. I would definetly be taking you up on your offer when I feel down I will message you....that really means a lot. Thank you both for such wise and comforting words it is really helping a lot! Please keep in touch. I need you guys! Peace & Love!

Dont worry about other people. They will never understand as they are not the ones going through all this. In my case, as im abroad with hardly any friends of my own, our community people favour him so much. They all are his friends as he was here before me and most of them dont even believe that he could do such things. He is a psychopath, has two different faces. People only see him as nice and charming. So, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to make anybody understand that he really did all those things. And then ofcourse i have some cultural issues also. People think that even if husband tries to kill wife, she cant leave him. What i am trying to say is that, dont look for support in people who are his friends or family. Dont expect other people to understand. They wont, as they are not the ones who got kicked. Right? Just talk to your good friends or people who understand you. My mind is full of hearing all sorts of things about me from our community. They openly declare that if i dare to report him, they will consider it as WRONG. But im still going ahead with my case. So, try to relax now. Ure not alone in this. We all are with you. Be brave. Dont let him ruin the rest of ur life. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!!

Yeah I've stopped depending on loads of encouragement and understanding from family and friends. I can't really blame them because its so hard to understand the dynamics of it all... I just hope I have the courage to carry me through when it is time to go. I'm just scared of what will happen once I do. And I'm not sure what precautions I should take now to make things easier then...I'm thinkin I should call the hot line and work out the legal stuff. Enough is more than enough and I NED to make it out alive so I can live love and be loved! Thank you so much and I will keep you in my prayers!