BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why question being childless?

I think it's more selfish to have a child because of the pressure society places on couples. This is similar to the guilt placed on working mothers - for some it's a choice, for some they need to work. I don't think women need to explain themselves - they don't explain themselves when they have children or why some mothers go back to work. I'm sure we can all agree there are many irresponsible people out there that are raising children that will someday become adults in society taking care of us in our old age. My husband & I have been together for 25 years & childless by choice. A choice we made in our 20's. We both come from very large families where it's expected to have many kids - we just didn't see it for ourselves. Now, 25 years later & 14 nieces/nephews & 4 great nieces/nephews later, many can understand & think we're smart for making this choice. That's exactly what it is in life - a choice. What is the big issue???

Well put!!!

I had to respond to your post. I just had my tubes tied 2 weeks ago. This decision took many years of thought. I agree with you that society really puts pressure on people to have children. I do not have any children and wont. But I am finding it very difficult to be a part of a minority. I actually told an acquaintance that I had a tubal and she just freaked out. She couldn't fathom the thought that a person would not procreate. I also find it kind of interesting in a way that people think this entirely rules out me being a parent. Should I change my mind in the future, I can adopt. I think it's a bit sad that more people don't adopt so many of the children out there that need homes. So why does society look down on people who choose to not make babies? I don't look down on the people who do. I am finding that it may be a bit more difficult to have the typical social life if you do not have kids. Once you reach a certain age, everyone in your age group has kids. They want to hang out with people who have kids. Or maybe they feel they can't relate to me because I'm not a mother and I "wouldn't understand". That has actually been said to me. I just wish you didn't have to give birth to a child to fit in to society, or have a meaningful life.

I think adoption is very noble, giving an unloved child a home and family. I don't understand those who spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatment when they could just adopt. Though I have been sterilized I have not completely ruled out adoption (though the kids would have to be at least 5 or 6, no babies for me). I am not that egotistical that I absolutely have to pass on my genes, I am not that self-important.

I agree completely Kat. I used to think I might adopt sometime down the road, but as time goes by I'm not so sure it would ever fit my life. I am not against it though. I think it's a much nicer option than expensive and dangerous fertility treatments. It seems like everyone is doing that and now it's so much more common to have a litter of children rather than a single child at a time.

It's just strange to me that so many perfectly good kids are out there in the world and people are producing more faster than ever before. As much as I adore my beautiful husband I don't feel compelled to pass on my genes or his, and luckily he feels the same way.

I'll give some insight about adoption vs fertility treatments. I tried to have a child with my ex for almost 10 years. We could not agree on adoption. We looked into it, but friends of ours had adopted and kept deciding to tell us all the horror stories. One even told us about the birthmother (open adoption) wanting the child back. It terrified us both. And then, we couldn't really agree on it. I was afraid to push the adoption issue much further because I didn't want to risk losing my husband. So yeah, it was selfish on my part.

After our divorce, I did try to adopt. But it didn't work out. I was really surprised by how much pain I felt. It was actually worse emotionally than the miscarriage I had (for me at least). It's hard to explain why. But I am so grateful I even had the chance to really consider it. I don't know if I can ever put my heart out there again (esp at my age now), but I find myself looking at my friends who are doing fertility treatments and wondering why the heck didn't they even attempt to look at adoption? Most didn't even consider it at all. I do have friends who adopted, though, and I really admire them. Some are in open adoptions, and I know it's probably a rocky road; while others adopted from orphanages. I am so glad they had the chance to adopt a child and will have the opportunity to learn from those kids. I know people who adopted older children, and those kids have so much to teach us.

I don't really know why we kept throwing money at fertility treatments. I guess because the doctors kept saying "this is almost a guarunteed pregnancy waiting to happen," or "your pain will go away if you get pregnat," or "maybe after this third surgery or this round of treatments, you'll be more fertile." It was like they kept giving me false hope when there was really no chance. It seemed like every year, something else wrong with my reproductive system was discovered.

Finally in 2006, I went to my 4th fertility specialist who looked at all my records and all my surgery photos (gross), and he asked about stuff. Then he found what was wrong with me. He said if I can't get pregnant naturally after treating this one thing, then I should just stop and let go. The treatment was easy and cheap, I felt a TON better after that treatment (didn't realize I had an underlying infection lingering for years), and I didn't get pg. It was like a relief though. Finally a doctor gave me permission to stop the endless cycle. I had tried to stop before, but I felt pressured by the doctors to keep trying. They kept sending me to second opinions, and then third opinions and then trying other things they had heard of. Even if they didn't say anything or recommend anything, I felt like I was being judged for some reason.

If someone had been honest with me earlier, maybe life would be different. But as it is, not a single doctor EVER mentioned stopping and going to adoption. It just seemed like every month that I wasn't pregnant, they wanted to try something else. I don't know why I felt like I had to get their permission to stop trying, but maybe I somehow felt that if they weren't pushing it, then maybe they thought I could have my own biological child. I also sometimes wonder if maybe subconsciously, I knew all along I wouldn't be able to have a child, and maybe subconsciously I didn't really want one. I really don't know. I feel horrible for dragging my ex through it, and I know it played a role in our divorce. Probably a bigger role than I think.

And yes, it is expensive. But the average IVF is a lot less expensive than adoption. That might be one reason a lot of people go for that first. Plus, with fertility treatments, you don't require lawyers, you don't have to do home studies, you don't have background checks, and you can borrow the money. And some doctors put their "take-home baby" stats on their websites, and it makes it look more appealing when you look at the overall success rates. They don't usually categorize the stats by fertility problems though.

So that's my .02. Sorry for it being so long, but it's never an easy answer. I will say that I am so grateful for the life I have now. It would be great to have had a kiddo, but I am having the time of my life right now without one. My dog and my cats are plenty of work for me at this time.

I do want to mention that one reason we didn't do IVF was teh drugs. I had bad reactions to just Chlomid, and the thought of using the really potent drugs that create almost 30 eggs sometimes scared me like you wouldn't believe. A friend of mine nearly lost her ovary because it stimulated too much during an IVF. The risk of multiple births is also scary. It's dangerous as well. And I can't bear the thought of freezing embryos or destroying them. I am pro-choice, but destroying embryos is not my personal choice. I know a lot of people don't think they're live beings, but I don't really know. So I couldn't bring myself to risk creating so many embryos and then either making them spend a lifetime in limbo or destroying them. It is just too much for me to think about.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my posts. I just wanted to give some insight since most of you here are childfree by choice. I know not everyone here is though. I hope it's all right to post this stuff. If not, I apologize.

Happy, this is a married no kids forum. If this is not the place to post that I don't know what is. Please feel free to discuss your concerns. We are all here to support one another, no matter what the reason is that we have no kids.

That wasn't offensive at all, happy one! It shed a lot of light on just how difficult and costly the adoption process is to someone like me who only knows what they've read. Even though I can't relate to wanting a baby, your IVF story was also very eye-opening. Doctors put a lot of pressure on people. Messing with my hormones with Clomid would make a basket case out of me because I have an imbalance already. And then dealing with all the appointments and the tests; I just don't know how people do it.

I'm starting to wonder now why adoption is so difficult. I understand the need for home studies and background checks but it shouldn't be so excessive as to dissuade someone from going through with it. There are no psychological tests required to become a biological parent, and I'm not saying there should be (or am I?) so why should there be such rigorous testing for adoption? I'm sure it's meant to be in the best interest of the children but getting them into a loving home would be best for them, not getting them into an exclusive club of only the most elite. Maybe it's time to ease up on some of that.

My mom and her non-biological brother were adopted, so I've always been in favor of it. I just never knew much about what it actually entails, obviously.

I've never questioned why my body chose for me to be childless anymore then why I questioned why my husband could bear a child but was born unable to father one. I find that life has its reasons that we might not know or understand and if one can live with that knowledge that it can make some times in life easer to live with in general, though not always. I did question the option about adopting but after looking into it we do not meet the requirements to be able to do so as a couple, and I don't really have it in me to raise a child. I don't mind being around well behaved children for a short period of time but I don't have what it takes to be a parent full time. I learned this early in my life while baby sitting, I could do it but it felt aqwakrd and just plain wrong to me on so many different levels. My husband is very good around children, but having had to raise his sisters kids cause of their lack of parenting skills or desire he's had his fill of that unwanted role and is happy to use baby sit on occasion and then send them back to their parents on a sugar high.