BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I'm sick of being rejected!

I am a successful business woman, who gives the shirt off my back for my employees and friends. But I am sick of being rejected. I offer to buy friends lunch, and they can never make it. I give my employees small things, just to be nice, and they don't want it. For example, I offered one of my employees a flavored energy drink packet, because she had remarked a couple of days ago how weary she was in the afternoon. She didn't want it. I bring flowers in from my beds to brighten the desks, and some of them don't want them, because they are "too messy". I invite employees out to a BBQ and some don't ever come. I give them free tickets to an event, which I have had to pay for, and they act like they are excited to have them, but then they don't even go. I try to do these extra things for them to show them I care about them. But sometimes I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. Why do I even bother?

Hi 3step, I read your letter and thought about it for quite a while. I have a few ideas. I think it is entirely possible that your employees/coworkers are trying very hard to keep boundaries between their Work Life and Private Life. Even tho you care about them very much, they are still your employees or coworkers. What is going on might feel to them as a lose-lose situation: If they feel obligated to accept something they don't want, they are not happy. If they decline it, you are unhappy. It doesn't mean they don't like or care about you - they just want their non-work related lives and choices separated. I have a suggestion: When you have lovely garden flowers, tickets, or other small tokens? Make up your mind to give them to people you hardly know and don't work with. Start up conversations to meet some interesting new people with varied interests. It might lead to some enjoyable encounters, outings and hobbies. Please don't feel rejected. Your employees (or coworkers) just want keep a professional tone and distance. It's work, after all.

I think tucsongirl is right. Employees like to keep their work relations on a professional level. Putting them in a situation where it becomes personal makes them feel obligated to reciprocate or accept something they really do not want. They fear that this "personal touch" will jeopardize their position.

If you want to do something nice for your employees one of the best things is to give them lunch, at work, once a month -- like maybe the last Friday of each month (or the end of each quarter) order pizza or subs for them -- then you go out for lunch and let them enjoy their free lunch. This is a great way to let all your employees feel you appreciate their good work without them feeling obligated. And no favoritism is shown.

They will develope a different opinion of you: respect for you keeping a professional distance and gratitude for your kindness. They may even, after awhile, ask you to please join them at this free lunch -- if so, just make a brief appearance, take some food and go back to your office saying something like, "I really have to work on ..... Enjoy your lunch and thanks for a month of great work. You people are great!"

You should be proud or your accomplishments for reaching the place you are at and not feel you have to keep giving. Giving so much and so often puts you in a subservient position. You need to stay a level above them (that sounds conceited, but it is not. Employees need to know their boss is confident and secure with his/her leadership.) Your employees may feel you are trying to buy their loyalty with gifts.

Look at it this way: If a parent continually puts themselves down to the level of their children by constantly playing with them or doing things for them when they can do it themselves, the child becomes insecure and thinks the parent is not strong enough to lead/guide/support them. A child needs a parent who is confident, secure, and sets rules. You can love a child and still be the one in position of authority and leadership.

You are not really being rejected. It is the "obligation" they are rejecting.

A good employee comes to work, do what they are supposed to do as best as they can, strive for excellence and not feel they need to compete for friendship at work.

A wise boss will not set themselves up to feel rejected.

You are a natural �giver�. Funnily enough, most people find this very hard to accept as they are used to only being given something if that person wants something in return.

You want nothing in return as �giving freely� is your character. Never change that! The important thing is to never expect anything in return, e.g., don�t do it because you want to feel better about yourself. Do it because you simply enjoy giving.

You are one of the rare people who lives a life of �true gratitude� in a world of fear and suspicion. I hope we meet one day. (JOY)

Just want to clarify my thoughts on giving. Being a generous and caring person is a gift (to the world) in itself. (BUT) Here are illustrations where the accepting went awry and one that went well. Interestingly, both outcomes hinge on the actions of the giver. A neighbor leaves a poinsetta at my door. I call to thank her, even tho I do not care for poinsettas at all. The next day another arrives from her. I thank her again. For the 12 days of the holidays, I find a poinsetta at my door. (I am kept busy finding new homes for new poinsettas), (Now I'm getting creeped out. I am the only neighbor getting bombed with poinsettas). On the 12th day, she comes to my door and insists she come in to see how I've "displayed all the poinsettas she's given me". AAAAHHHHH! Example 2: A coworker gives me 2 (nationally coveted) box seat tickets to a sporting event. At the end of the day, I am physically unable to attend. I regift them to someone who was so excited that he nearly broke the speed record to go. The coworker never asked me if I attended the event or if I had a good time. I, in turn, never asked the other guy if he had a good time, or had scalped the tickets. lol It was all good;)

Thanks Joy,
I have been told that it is a special gift to be a "giver", but sometimes it doesn't feel that special. I don't ever expect to get ANYTHING back from someone I give something to, whether it is vegetables from the garden or tickets to an event. I plant, weed and tend a huge garden, far more than we ever use and give the rest away. It'd be fun to meet you one day, also. Thanks, you made my day!
Phyllis, thanks for the ideas. As far as employees go, they come to us because they are not just a "number" like they are with the big corporations, so they are looking to have that personal touch. I could buy them lunch, but if I didn't stick around to eat it with them, they'd take it as an insult, that I don't care to be around them, or I'm too good for them. They'd be making comments about it to me, maybe because it is pretty much a family atmosphere here.
Tuscongirl, again, thanks for the reply. The poinsetta story is a horror story. Did you find out why she kept sending them? If I had been on the receiving end, I would have kept them, whether I liked them or not, because if someone makes the effort and takes the time to send you something, that is in itself a special gift. Someone was thinking of you and wanted to brighten your day. I do like your idea of giving to people I hardly know. And I do that already, through free ads in the paper and "accidentally" dropping five dollar bills at the Salvation Army for someone to find. I think I need to do that more, because there really is no way I can be rejected doing that. It just gets kind of discouraging sometimes....
Sorry to rant.

Well...I can understand that and it makes sense. You are a giver and that is your nature. I would suggest that maybe observe your employees on an individual basis to see what their persoanl interests are then focus on little gifts that you know they would really enjoy. For an example, I love to bead and collect unusual or old vintage beads and buttons. When someone gives me a few special beads or buttons I am thrilled and very touched by their thoughtfulness. Not only do I love the gift, but, it tells me that they are truly interested in me and my hobby. It is a lovely personal touch and gives me good memories of the giver every time I look at the gift.

Dear 3Step, "I'm sick of being rejected!" is pretty powerful stuff. I offered a few thoughts into how to avoid feeling like that - how to give and Let It Go. Rejected feelings can't live there. I chuckled over your response to me. ("Yep. She IS a tenacious and successful businesswoman"). The poinsetta's giving, regiving, and all the why's are just details. I let it go. If they are STILL bouncing around the Assisted Living home it doesn't matter. I. gave. them. away. It IS kinda cute thinking about them being shifted around like an unwanted fruitcake, tho.

I don't think there isn't anything wrong with you. I think people are tight with their money now these day. I am glad you can afford to treat your co-workers. Maybe they feel they have to treat you for lunch or dinner. Whatever is? Try go lunch by yourself and go shopping during lunch like I do. See what will happen if they change their mind and go along with you? Good Luck! I am same way like you and I gave up long time ago. I give them lot of chances but no luck.