BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Watching Evolving DV, Helplessly

She is part of our extended family. Mid-20's, married him about 3 months ago. In this time he has: gotten her to add him to her accts and then changed the passwords. taken a title loan on her car, which was new and paid for. told her to quit her job. insists she move into a different house that she doesn't like. told her there isn't enough money for her to continue college. been so obnoxious that family doesn't want him around. screens her calls, internet use, and hides the debt and income from her. tells her what to wear. tells her she is not skinny, even tho she is being treated for anorexia and is rail thin. couldn't buy her engagement ring and was turned down to finance it, so had her buy it on her credit. borrowed enormous amounts of money from her family and hasn't paid it back. And, even tho she is the source of all this information, she refuses to see what is going on. She won't. And, all attempts to gently tell her are met with 'oh, he knows best. I want to stay home anyway and be a good wife". blahblah. Anytime anyone raises concerns, he isolates her, or goes to Plan B, being so obnoxious that everyone runs for cover. All this in only 3 mos. and I can see the future thru exp. eyes. I have a stomach ache.

It is really hard to watch someone you love deteriorate and drift off and become another person under the influence of another. To be honest I do not know what to say to you about this but I assure you I will look into the proper guidelines to follow. But speaking as a person who is going through an abusive situation the only advice that I can give that has guided me to making the moves I need to is an unchanging circle of friends and family. They knew what was going on and suggested and begged and pushed for me to leave him. And when they did it made me want to work harder and sort of prove them wrong... Many relationships were severed because of it but many stayed true to form. And knowing that no matter what I did and how many times I went back they were there... Abused women feel that no1 cares about them after a while and begin to feel trapped. Just be there for your friend. Continue to speak your mind but never force an opinon on her. Hopefully you will get through to her. Good luck n keep us posted!

Here are the plans that have been in place since before the wedding: Never saying anything that he can twist against us or cause her to choose. Always telling her that she has family that loves her and is always there. Pinky promises to never say or act "I told you so". Even cynical me didn't see things happening this fast. I bet he won't pay that car title loan so her car will be gone. She'll have no car, no job, no school, no money, no credit in record time and without her even making one squeak about it. It HAS to be a Domestic Abuse record, and it makes me absolutely sick to see it happening.

Yeah the last thing anyone wants to hear is "I told you so" especially when its about something like this. It is terribly hard to sit back and watch as an outsider lookin in on the situation especially when its a friend. There are books that can offer more of an concrete solution. I'm not trying to give you any wrong info. Everything I suggest is just what I would want a friend to do for me. And the best thing that my friends could and have done is be there for me. She can form some kind of strength knowing that she has someone she can count on.