BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating what would you do?

Hey all, I need some advice, I am 33, he is 42 we have been dating a wonderful 7 months both never married no kids he is everything I've wanted just a perfect partner we are so very compatible and we fit. Its been...unlike any relationship Ive ever had before, stable, mature, easy, nice... one that feels like its really "the one". HOWEVER... recently i wanted to have this...next steps talk with him I was feeling so confident its been going so..unbelieveably.perfect. to make a long story short. he tells me he doesnt "believe" in marriage. he doesnt believe in the paper, the ceremony but he does believe in "co-habitation". He has asked me to move in. I am heart broken as this is a deal breaker for me. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life as a "live in girlfriend". :( I know that I would resent him. I cannot imagine walking away from (besides this) a man who fits in every other category who until now I have never met a match which equals... I am in a quandary of huge proportions. I dont know what to do. Its so easy to say, well walk away... but everything else is so damn good... if only i could just make myself not care... but for reasons of my own past... i need the security of a marriage. it fills me with such saddness... i feel like that hiker in the desert who had his arm stuck under the boulder... do I really have to gnaw my arm off to leave alive? either way the costs are so high..... is there any way this guy is gonna change his mind? is there anything i can do? and if i wait for him to come around how long is it acceptable to wait? heart broken :(

What I would do is not gnaw my arm off;) 7 mos. is a very short amount of time to truly know anyone (as exhibited by your newly discovered facts about his beliefs re marriage). This isn't an emergency, even tho it might feel like one. I think what you are feeling is disappointment in not getting the response you wanted/expected and are confusing that with a crisis. No one is going to make you be a live-in gf except you, or make you hang onto 'hope he changes' too long, except you. I'd slow my down, enjoy him, and see what-all else you don't yet know about him before making long term plans of any kind.

Here's another vote for backing up a step or 2, enjoying the dating and the great relationship, and seeing what happens. Don't move in if you don't want to be the live-in gf, and let him know that you won't go that route. Sometimes it's better to go slow, relax and enjoy what you have right now. The future will happen, don't force it.

I so agree with tucsongirl and Claybird. Enjoy what you have , but, do not compromise your values and dreams by moving in with him. Be honest and let him know that is just not your way. If he walks away from that or causes stress over it -- then you will know this is not for you.

Ka-sera-sera. (Whatever will be, will be.)

Thanks for the thoughtful responses... Ive come the same conclusions myself. I won't be moving in... and I am certainly not ready to get married to him or anyone else anyway... but when he says, "i dont believe inmarriage" I just felt that totally ended the conversation right then and there. Since I do then it was kind of like...well.... obviously we have different values, future plans? It just was like this cold bucket of ice water out of nowhere... shocking, hurtful and I dont know if I should just end it now... wait to see if he changes his mind... but what I am afraid of is just seeing how things go Im not getting any younger... the longer I stay the harder it will be to go... I read all these advice columns which about women waiting 4, 5, 7 12 years with kids for these guys to marry them and I just dont want to be one of them....

Kat, it has only been 7 months, and you are only 33! Stop trying to look years into the future and just enjoy what you have today. (Written by someone who found her soulmate at age 45.)

clay... lose the tone it isnt helpful. It sounds judgemental which I am sure is not your intent.

Claybird, I was so inspired by your meeting your soulmate at age 45. It reminded me (during the holiday wknd surrounded by couples) that there is someone Out There just perfect for me. And that I love being older, confident, competent and wise and am not looking to settle, just to have a man on my arm. So. I declinded two so-so dates to go alone and had a great time!

Claybird, you are an inspiration to many women who wonder if it is over for them. All good things come to us in time.