BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Dealing with others that treat you badly

Hi everyone,

I am trying to work out why this situation bothers ne so much and would appreciate some help.

I have a colleague (friend?) who occasionally decides he won't talk to me, it lasts a few weeks, he never tells me why and I'm the only one he does this to. Chilish behaviour but from a Buddhist perspective - why does it bother me? Am I showing too much attachment to what others think?

Thanks in advance,

J

Jeannie -

That is certainly unusual. Maybe he does it to other people but they don't notice it as much? Maybe he does it only to females or something like that, and it has to do with how he's feeling in his romantic life?

In any case, it could be a hundred different reasons. He could be fond of you and feel the need to create distance to keep the relationship platonic. He could find himself swaying to agree with everything you say and need distance to regain his own thoughts.

I would look on his silent periods as meditative periods, where you communicate in other ways

Lisa

Hi Jeannie,
Unfortunately I see this happening all the time in the work place. Sometimes people for whatever reason zone in on one person in the workplace and decide to make that person's life difficult.

If it's really important to you and you've tried asking and can't get an answer...it's like a diet. Pay close attention to what goes on around when he is around. Try to find out the trigger points that set off the behavior. In some cases it can be something as simple as you getting a compliment from another co-worker and it sets of the feeling of jealousy.

To be honest, unless his work is directly related to what you do, do your best to ignore it. Don't let someone elses odd behavior steal your joy.

I am also of the idea to do your best to ignore it. If there is no actual way to find out the truth, then it really is his issue. Don't let this person get you down.

Easier said than done of course! It's extremely easy to take things personally and dwell on them. I don't have any advice for how not to do that.

Hi Jeannie - I agree with everything everyone has said in terms of not letting this get you down, and the fact that his behavior is about him, not you.

But in terms of your question about why this bothers you so much, I think this is the key question in terms of your Buddhist practice, as you astutely pointed out. You said 'am I too attached to what others think of me?', and that is a useful place to start in terms of unraveling your own personal reaction to the situation. Personally, I wouldn't put it in terms of being 'too attached' just because that has a lot of judgment. You feel how you feel. Buddhist practice isn't about judging yourself and trying to change yourself. It's about honestly looking at yourself, at the thoughts and emotions that arise, and finding the roots of them, the true cause, so that you can free yourself from them. So it is useful to ask why this person's reactions are so meaningful to you - what triggers in your own psyche this situation is touching upon.

Have you read Pema Chodron's Taking the Leap? You mentioned being new to Buddhism, so I'm not sure if you are exploring a certain branch right now, or whether you have a teacher, but I do think this is a book that works through this process of looking at and working with the roots of our patterns in a non-judgmental way very very well.

Thanks so much everyone, I will check out that book Lisa, it's sounds like just what I am looking for.


J

1st i agree u with your" showing too much attachment to what others think?" i am going to suggest ,( I myself was always/very often bothered :) ) a couple of what i memorize from my Eng meditation class talks , given by a Chung-Tai Chan(Zen) Monastery master here in Taichung, Taiwan, ((Heart Sutra Form is empty, form is not different from empty, and conceptions, volition( it takes me very long to figure out what VOLition mean, since i'm not good at English, and hardly do I get the key point of that vocabulary), consciousness, is empty. )) therefore, p.s. one of my Grand Master said, forget, we let go of the past, the present, and ?? the future. becuz no matter however happy or distress, pitiful or successful,etc. "I" felt, while i'm thinking of thing in 101 min. ago, it has gone. what about the present? when i believe I have a "now", the now" is gone, /has gone. So there can be no Now! and the future, what am i going to do in the next weekdays? so , time is (to some persons) empty time's no different fr emptiness?? but empty is not None, not Nothing. when we has a idea of "empty, we can be no bodhisattva, we may cling , attach to any conception, as now i'm writing all the nouns above, from certain point of view, those buddism phrases, nouns are coming and going, empty of their self, when I ride my bike in maybe 2 hrs later, I wont remember what I post. and believe/guess the readers WILL forget . reason, every has wisdom to hear, observe, and judge, so we, You are a future-Buddha!! add:BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

I agree very much with Lisa, Diane, Jilly and Lisa. Let this be what it is -- his issue. You can take the time to work on yourself and your own feelings/thoughts when your friend is "stuck" in his issues.

From once being a child, I can remember that kids would ignore each other when they were jealous or wanted attention.

Thankyou all so much for the support. It helped me immensely x