BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Lost

Hi hi I just left my bf after many years of relationship and 2 kids. My feelings are so strange, i feel like I dont know if I was in abusive relationship because somehow I feel like everything is my fault. If I hadnt done this or that nothing bad would have happened. That is what my x is saying . For many years I couldnt go out with friends or family without him being so angry and calling me names for days after. I couldnt make simple choices if he didnt want me too,like he would get angry if he didnt like what was for dinner. Almost every day when i woke up i felt this pain in my stomich ,wondering what kinda mood he would be in that day and tried to avoid saying anything that could get him angry. He alwaysed used to talk like he was my parent...saying that he had to teach me everything cause I wasnt raised properly. I started teaching the kids what topics they should not talk about with him, just so he wouldnt get angry at them. He says theres no point having friends...why would I need them. I have barely left the house without him for years. He thinks all the time that im cheating..I once went to a coffie house with my gf and he called 14 times in 3 hours,I then gave up and went home. He might wake up one day very angry cause he thinks I might have had an affair when I went out some months or years earlyer. He claims I ruined his life and everything bad that has ever happened to him is my fault. We have spent every holiday and vacations with his family...never mine because he thinks they are worthless and boring. His mom takes his side in everything and talks about me being a horrible person. I am always afraid....of his mood or what he thinks of everything....started to take anxiety pills to get through the day. But I read that most abusers do it when they are drunk...my x never drinks.. I had enough many years ago.....about 6 months ago I started just to go out if I wanted with friends....went 3 times,stayed out all night cause I didnt wanna go home... recently I did and he threatened me before I went that I didnt need to come home again...I had enough and out went and stayed all night at a gf house(she witnessed him talking to me like this) because I didnt want to go home and when I came home he attacked me....he did that about 5 times but never as bad as now... I just feel like every time I did something he would get more angry than ever and I started to get afraid of getting seriously hurt.... he says its all my fault cause im just a looser and a alcoholic....(im not an alcoholic)....but those are just 2 name callings of many over the years... I left the same day with the kids and now he acts like he dosent care and I never mattered anything....that I will always be a failure...he talks about and laughs ,how I cant do this or that like he can because I dont have as much money as him.. I just feel so worthless right now,wondering if this is all my fault for wanting to have friends and go out every now and then...if I had just stayed at home always he wouldnt act like this....outside our home everyone likes him, hes totally different there... I just dont know who I am anymore, Im scared and numb... Reply With Quote

Dear Sunna, This is a classic profile of an abuser. Jealous, possessive, constantly putting down their partners, having two faces, one at home (the ugly one), one outside. Most of us at this forum have gone through all this. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Its him, believe me. Some abusers try to get back, some dont, either way, one thing is for sure that they are incapable of feeling love for someone other than themselves and sometimes their parents or siblings with whom they have grown up with. He is doing all this to make you feel exactly the way you are feeling now, that ure a nobody without him. This is just a tactic so you can come crawling back to him. Dont fall for it. He is a psychopath, a sociopath, stay away from him and build up your confidence. If you were still living with him, or if by your post i had the idea that there is some hope, i would have told you. Look, the first step that people like these do is that they isolate you. My husband didnt even like it if i talked to my mother. He wants you to be totally dependent on him. What you want, your friends and everything, is totally normal and your right. And you know, once he will realize that you are actually not coming back, he will probably try apologizing and stuff. He will use all tactics, blv me. So stay away from him ad dont make any rash decision of going back to him just because you think you are worthless without him. You will be worthless WITH HIM. Without him, with the passage of time, you will be better. My prayers are with you.

Sunna, I read your post yesterday and thought about your situation all afternoon as I went about my day. I agree 100% with lostforever. It is called 'isolation'. They systematically remove all your support systems. This is accomplished many ways. Taking the car keys, moving you away from everyone you know, throwing fits and accusations, and sometimes behaving so badly (around your friends and family) that you are too embarrassed, or the friends and family give up trying to deal with him. There is as many ways an abuser can accomplish this as there are abusers. He wants to make you question every one of your decision making skills, and turn you into a shell of a person that is completely dominated. And, people like this say (or behave as if) you are: ugly, worthless, unworthy, stupid, incompetent, the biggest mistake of their lives, that everything in the world is your fault. And, of course, the old classic: You are just like your mother. ha. When you get away from his trash, you will start recovering. Best of thoughts to you, stay strong!

Thank you so much for your answers. I am so glad I finally left and Im never going back. Its very hurtful how he acts now and his family, they all (including him) think that he never did anything wrong and I was the bad person. I know if I had just lived my life like he wanted they would all be happy...but never me. And it didnt even matter if I did everything he wanted and agreed on everything he said...he would still be angry about something. I am gonna work really hard now to just ignore that family, luckily I have my family (that is really glad that I am back) and my friends that stand by me all the time. I tried to point out to him that his behaviour was abusive once and he acted like I was crazy..at the end I thought I was crazy thinking this....its unreal how someone can mess up someone else without thinking it is wrong. I also think its really weird how he acts now ,like he dosent care. I know him better and this scares me , I dont sleep very well cause im afraid that he might snap one day. Hopefully im wrong and he will just leave me alone.

Dont listen to his family. I know such things hurt and one cant listen to bad things that are not true. but let them bark...my inlaws claim that my injuries were self inflicted, they told my family that their son doesnt even lie, how could he hurt anyone? and if he did i must have done something to justify the beatings...n they still say things like my dowry wasnt enough, i wasnt pretty enough, etc....the whole family is psycho...just try to forget everything....be happy... :)

Im sorry to hear that happened to you:( Reading your post makes me realize that I am not the crazy person, that they are. And I feel a little better knowing that. Thank you. Its the same here...their son and they are perfect in their own little world, but luckily most people in my community know how they are. Im gonna just forget them and start living a healthy and happy life....

Sunna...... I am terribly sorry that you had to live the way that you did.. The situation you descibed is so similar to mine. He would act the same way when I DID go out with gf's he would call the gym I worked out at just to make sure I was there. When I WAS out he would call 50,000 times. then hang up on me and text me and say things like "I hope you and your boyfriend are having a good time!" I feared going home...Although I wasnt doing anything wrong. It got to the point where I stopped going out all together it was embarrasing! Every relationship or friendship that I have is questioned by him...And I even questioned it...but ITS A RIGHT! not a privelage that can be granted and taken away at HIS will...There are a lot of things that I have endured because of him that I didnt understand.. but there is a book that strongly recommend it is called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand what has happened and it will probably help you heal as it has done with me.. The crazy part is that I still live with my abuser...Although in my opinion the relationship is long over... As I begin to seperate myself from this situation there are a lot of unanswered I had that this book has helped answer. *lostforever.... you advice was dead on! I love hearing women who have been through similar situations because you know the pain we feel... I'm glad you have recovered the way you did!!! And no offense but his family and their naivety of their sons actions is what makes him who he is! I hope they are proud! Seeing him for who is will force him to face himself..My abusers family is like that. They are aware that he abusive. But they choose to turn the other cheek instead of standing up to him! Do you have any advice for people when they DO leave? I am "holding it out" until my money situation gets better...And although staying is not an option I'm very nervous when I hear that leaving is the riskiest time in abuse... I left once and sadly returned...A week after my return he pulled a knife on me...He was still upset that I left....So do you have any advice?

sunna,
When I was married to my abuser, he never drank either. Yet, what you described was what I also lived through. A person doesn't have to drink to be abusive. It is not your fault. All abusers blame their victim. My abusive ex used to tell me that it was my fault he was like he was. That's just not true. An abuser craves power and control, even with the emotions of their victim.

My advice to you is to take the children and leave. Is there a shelter you can go to, for safety reasons? Have you docmented any of the abuse you have endured? My concern is not only for your safety, but the safety of your children as well.

Hope this helps,
Kelli

Hi Butterfly10, First of all, read my post about what i have gone through so that you can find out where your situation matches with mine. I would read your earlier posts soon to get an idea how your partner is like. Every person is different, but the part of their nature where they become abusive is more or less same, but still one cant really say if one abuser will behave the same way as other. My post is titled MY STORY. I think it all depends on his need for you. In my case, and everybody else's also i guess, we become so much dominated that the abuser doesnt think that we could actually leave them and never come back. In my case, my husband and his family kept putting pressure on me, controlling me, dominating me in every way possible, we work at the same place, and i worked double than him, full time in office and full time at home... Still he wasnt happy but he didnt want me to leave work because then he would have to pay for my food and expenses which he didnt want to. And he abused me in every way possible. And i took it. And he thought i could never leave him. In our culture divorce is considered end of life for a woman. And because my husband belongs to a very typical background with traditional thinking he always taunted me that i could never go away. If i did, nobody would want me anymore. He himself used to ask me that why didnt i leave, why was i still staying with him? He used to tell me he could easily get another wife, this n that. So i left. I got help from my university and i left one day without telling him. He didnt react at all initially. His family called mine and said all sort of things to my father. But my father told them that we have had enough of you people. HIs sisters told my father dirty things about me, calling me names and stuff. It was horrible but they kept saying that to hell with this girl. Our brother will get married to another. She can go to hell. We also wanted to divorce her, this n that. And he also later told me that he at that time he didnt want me back. He was too angry at me and after a few days he came to my office and threatened me. And he also told me that he already knew where i was living but he said that he would take revenge, this n that. And told me that he doesnt give a damn about me but he is angry because i left him and that hurt his ego. He threatened me twice in my office. Then there was silence for about two weeks. He later told me that he had thought that i would come back to him. When i didnt, he panicked. And then he started coming to me, saying sorry, begging, pleading, crying, involving people here and pressurizing me. I said NO. And this went on for two months, sometimes, silence on his part, sometimes anger, sometimes threats..I am lucky in one sense that he cannot harm me in my office as he works in the same place and he would lose his job if he does anything. And secondly, the whole indian community knew about our issue. If he does anything publicly, he would be blamed for that. And he is very, very concerned about his image in front of other people. I finally agreed to give him another chance. Infact i was also feeling lonely and missed him. What happened afterwards opened my eyes. Before that i had never actually thought he was capable of killing me. My point of telling you all this is that you should analyze your situation and try to assess the risk yourself. And make a very good plan. For me, some things were easy. I dont have financial problems, i had a good support system (friends, family and colleagues) who all helped me. One of my friends helped me in packing my stuff, my colleague arranged a car, i stayed for a few days at a female colleagues place, now he is not welcome at the floor where i work. I have my university behind me and he is the kind of person who wont do anything stupid that would implicate him. He is the kind of person who would never do anything in broad day light. So you have to analyze your situation. Once you leave him, what would be his expected reaction? I think for the first 2,3 days he will just ignore the fact that you have left and then when he will realize that ure not coming back, he will get dangerous. But i cant say this will happen 100%. And one thing is very important, the more he realizes that you are not coming back, the more desperate he would get and more will be the danger for you. BUt that doesnot mean that you should get scared. Be brave and stick to your decision. He will go away with time. Do you have evidence of his abuse? Like pictures or anything? When i started planning to run away, i also started gathering evidence, anything like doctor prescriptions, hospital records, pictures of your injuries is evidence, if you have told this to anyone, that person will be your witness. How much you trust your friends? Is there someone whom you can totally trust? If there is, you can involve him or her in ur escape plan. Try not to tell anyone you dont trust about your whereabouts. Initial time is the most dangerous, so better be careful. Are you planning to move to another state? Is it possible that he can find you in another state? I hope you get over your financial problems soon so that you can get away form him. DONT GO BACK in any case. Blv me, he will never change. Pinch yourself when you become weak, or give a slap to yourself if you ever think about going back... :)))))

Thank you all. I left the day he attacked me, took the kids and went to my sister. Now I got apartment and we are settling in. Lostforever...its so weird to read this cause this is what his family is doing to me now. For some reason I dont understand I do blame myself sometimes but I am working very hard on myself to understand that is just what he (and them) want.