BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence It IS true what they say...

This morning I was down at the police station filing a report about the cell phone that my abuser smashed in during is last "episode". While I was sitting in the waiting area for what seemed like an eternity I did what most people do...think... I was thinking that I have no other option but to leave him. One day this phone will be my face and there wont be a recovery for it. I thought and I thought and I thought. I wondered what will it take for him to change? For a man who is granted everything and still shows out and acts as a child. WHAT WOULD IT TAKE? I began to pray about it and hope to be given an answer. And about 3 mins later the man sitting next to me began talking out of no where. He explained why he was there and that he was a multiple assult ex con and came to the police station to file a complaint instead of taking matters into his own hands. I applauded him on his decision to stay out of jail and he continued to talk. This time explaining that he lost too much due to his violent past. He said "Ive been married 2x...my first wife passed away a few years after we married and my second wife left me." He said "she was a good woman...the best I ever had...but she couldnt stick around for the drugs and my violence..so she left me. And I havent been the same since." I was in total disbelief. He was this hardened criminal who turned his life around when his wife left him. I told him"you know sometimes you dont know what you have until its gone." and he agreed 100%. "She had to leave in order for me to figure that out......" To most this conversation can be chalked up as small talk but to me this was a sign. I've read doctors articles about DV and statistics but here it was in real life. A real life story of a man whose wife couldnt take anymore and left him. Then and only then did he seek the help that he needed. So it is true what they say... People are placed in your life for a reason. I definetly know his reason in my life, although brief.... I feel alot more confident about what I have to do after that conversation

It is rare for most abusers to really change. A lot of them put on a facade to get you back. The man you encountered is a rarity and it is good to see that he "woke up" before it was too late and he would go back to jail. I wonder how many years it took for him to realize this though.

Yeah I know that stories like this are EXTREMELY rare. Lots of men promise to change just to get back in the graces of our hearts and mind. Time and time again I was hood winked into thinking that he was different he would break that mold and change. But time and time again I have been let down. As my birthday approaches I made a promise to myself to let another birthday come and go under his "regime". This man made an excellent point that she had to leave...in order for him to change. We as women (and men) suffering from DV have to step out of the situation and let that person change on their own. I finally understand that!

It is awesome that you have realized this before it is too late!

Yeah I have done a lot of growing over these past couple of years. That I am very grateful for!

No one can or should tell you what to do, although your husband does that exact same thing. But I suggest and beg you to leave as soon as you can and stop putting it off. I attemtpted not o got back home after my husband treatened to kill me, but I reluctantly went back home that night with him because of our baby, my lack of planning, and didn't explain myself enough to the people who could help me. So I was scared, and I went with him, then I pretented to be fine, then three days later I left for real and the day after that I got on a plane.

I forgot an important part. I realize that I feel re-victim-ized when anyone tells me what to do now that I've left my hisband. Even if my mom said soemthing that is meant to be helpful or psotive or she feels she knows best... it make me feel small, stupid, like she wants to control me. I told her about it, and things ease more so in my mental reception of trying not to feel delittled and put down.

that may take a while to get over. I know i was very sensitive to a lot of things for a year or so after i got away.

Yeah I too find myself "over sensitive" to the none abusive world. I get very snappy! I thought it was just me