BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Lori Bradley's article on high cost of kids

Hey--author of Families of Two here...Check out Lori's latest article on the Married No Kids site. A thought on why parents adopt a "magical thinking" strategy when it comes to believing they will be able to afford kids--It's related to the theory of cognitive dissonance. When they have the emotional desire to have kids, it overrides more objective concerns. We talk our way out of the concerns because we want what we want. It works the other way too; if we lack the emotional desire to have kids, then the more rational concerns kick in to support it, e.g., don't want to take on the financial responsibility, see it through the "gink" lense, etc. Starts with a matter of the heart, then we pad it with beliefs, mindsets to support it. Thanks, Lori, for another great article! Laura lauracarroll.com

Interesting article. I don't understand the "it will just work out" or "if you wait to have enough money to have kids, you'll never do it" mentality. One of my and my husband's reason for having not having kids is definitely financial. I have argued with my mom about this a lot since she would like to have grandkids and I don't want kids. She just doesn't get that things are not the same as when she was raising kids. For example, where we lived as kids, the public schools were quite good so they did not have to spend money on our education until college. We also walked to school. In the country where my husband and I live, the public schools are abysmal. To ensure a decent education, private school is necessary. Beyond the monthly costs, there are a lot of other expenses - uniforms, books, incorporation fees, sometimes you have to pay for them to take a test to be accepted, van transport to the school (we live in a large city, so this is often necessary), annual registration fee. It sure adds up. My parents are retired and have pensions and receive Social Security. I have no private pension, and I doubt Social Security will be around when I am ready to retire. Working outside the US means that I am currently not paying into SS, so I doubt I would get much if it does exist. I have some savings in IRAs and am currently contributing to a government plan here (as does my husband), but even so I worry it won't be enough. With kids we would see our possibilities of saving for retirement severely limited. Also, I work freelance, so I get no maternity leave pay whatsoever. I would either have to stress myself out going back to work as soon as possible, or we would have to try to live on just one income for a while, just when we have more expenses. Most people with kids here seem to live in an constant cycle of debt. I have worked hard to get out of credit card debt and my husband doesn't have any either. There is no way we want to fall into that trap.

In all fairness, there are plenty of people without kids who have debt too. Kids, for people who want them, are like any "luxury." That's what you are choosing to spend your money on. Some people like to have $500 purses, or iPads, or whatever. People are going to find a way to spend all their hard earned money, whether it's on weekend cabins or little Suzie's braces.

So, yes, considering the enormous cost of raising kids, unless you are so lucky as to earn a 6 figure salary right out of high school, very few people can "afford" children. But, are we going to start telling people who can and who can't based on their income? My sister and her fiance want to start trying for a baby as soon as they get married in September. He's has a post doc research gig and she runs a low cost vet clinic. They aren't rich by any means, but she's already 29. How long is she supposed to wait for money to have a baby? And, are all these things on this "baby calculator" accurate? For instance, no one paid for my college tuition. I earned a full scholarship. According to what the editor said, that's $48,000 off right there. Seriously, people don't have to be paying this much for kids. They obviously do, but they don't HAVE to.

As for me, I get it. I'd definitely have much more disposable income if I didn't have 5 cats (3 of which are special needs at that). But, I'll quote the old parent cliche`, "I couldn't imagine my life without them." It's true. I crave my kitties, no matter the cost.

I get why parents do it. I just don't want the same thing. When it comes down to it, it has nothing to do with money, sleeping in on weekends, traveling, career, etc... I just don't want kids. Kitties, on the other hand, are absolutely vital to my mental well-being. No question.

**edit**

Okay, so I went to that calculator thing. Why am I paying $6,000 a year for a kid's housing? Am I paying to house it somewhere else?! I own a 4 bedroom house already. I don't need to pay for a larger one. Also, $1,000 a year for health care is just highway robbery. That's a commentary on the U.S. health care system, not that silly calculator. In mine and my husband's current jobs, we wouldn't pay any extra for health care for any children (I'm so lucky to have good insurance). And, $757 bucks a year for clothes?! I don't think I even spend that on clothes! Why would my kid need that much?! That website is highly overestimating the cost of "needs."

Dolyn - the calculator certainly won't be able to predict the cost down to the dollar, but it's a snapshot of averages. So on average, a child probably costs $1000 a year to insure. While YOU already have a 4 bedroom house, many people don't buy such a large home unless they have kids to put in all those bedrooms, so the *average* family will pay $6000 a year in additional mortgage costs when they upgrade houses to accommodate a kid or two. Kids grow a LOT in the first 18 years, so they need new clothes every 6 months or so. Even just "the basics" adds up when you have to buy new shoes, socks, shirts, shorts, pants, pajamas, underwear, etc over and over again. You, as a physically mature adult don't grow every few months, so you could conceivably spend practically nothing on clothes for yourself - doesn't work until you are an adult and stop growing. Again, just because each catagory doesn't apply to YOU doesn't mean the calculator is wrong -- it just means that in those catagories, you aren't *average*.

Well, as a scientist, I'd like to know how they come up with these *averages.* Are they using, mean, median, mode? Can I get a confidence interval, or standard error? Yes, I understand that kids grow and need clothes. But, (and I'm not that old) there is no way my mom spend remotely close to $750 a year on my clothes at any age. It's called hand-me-downs and Kmart.

I know everything is variable, even that site knows that. That's why they ask what the household income is. The point I was trying to make is that a couple that makes $40,000 a year can raise a healthy, happy child just the same as a couple that makes $100,000 a year. One may get clothes from Goodwill, the other may get them from the Gap, but both kids are clothed.

My mom raised 4 kids by herself on less than $50,000 a year. On paper, you'd probably think we were poor, lived in a shack, and none of us went to college. Well, it just isn't so. We all got undergrad degrees, I went on to higher education, and we are all (relatively) happy and healthy.

I would never tell someone they couldn't have a baby because they don't make as much money as my husband and I do. That's just... I don't even have the word for it.

I just looked at the calculator -- did you see that the $757 for clothes also includes diapers? I can definitely believe that. But I'm not seeing where someone said that people should be told if they could or could not have kids if they don't make a certain amount of money. Was that in the article, or did someone say that on here?

Of course nobody said it, but if someone comes up with money as a reason not to have children, people who want children more than anything else in this world, people who think children belong in a fulfilled marriage/life will come up with what may sound as lame idealism for those who have no idea (I fall in this category) why people have children.

Of course if you tell somebody with baby fever that children are expensive, they will tell you "we'll manage". And the fact is, that is exactly how it works. V.g: you can dress a kid with a lot less than 700 euros. Jeans cost in H&M or Zara 15 euro and they last a whole season (and there is cheaper than that, at least in Europe). Kids only wear diapers about 3 years, and even then there are different prices and even reusable ones.

So money is no reason not have a child. Just as much as having it is no reason to have one. Bottom line, you have to be ready to love and give up a lot more than money (freedom, intimacy, peace and quiet, neat and order) for a child. Or the other way around: for people who want children from the bottom of their hearts, making a couple of economical adjustments is possible and worth it.

Money is definitely a factor in why I don't have a child, but it's greatly outweighed by my dislike of them and utter lack of desire. I don't see how we could raise a child on our current income if nothing changed so we'd both have to make drastic lifestyle changes. I'd have to work full-time outside the home again and possibly take on a part time job too and my husband would have to work more overtime and possibly get a part time job. These choices would cause additional expenses such as childcare and healthcare, plus we'd have to get another house with more than one bedroom. It is definitely a factor to consider, and all these single women and poor couples who don't consider it are making a huge mistake by thinking "everything will just fall into place".