BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Pregnancy Scare- Freaking Out

Hi all- I love this forum and the people who write regularly. It's been awkward for me and hubbie to try to figure out the kids/no kids thing- those of you who've talked with me know that he wants them and I don't, and this forum has saved my sanity on several occasions. It's so helpful to know that there are other women out there who feel like their lives are great without kids. I can't believe I'm writing this- I feel like a teenager- I may be pregnant. I'm 36 and I know how birth control works. Despite an IUD and faithful condom use every month from days 11-19, my period is late and I'm MISERABLE. Today is day 33 and I've never been later than day 32. I know that if I end up pregnant, my husband will want to keep the baby and my life will be over. I love him so much and I am sick over this. We talked about this before we got married and he knew my feelings. His have changed but mine haven't. He's got those Kodak moment kind of feelings about how great it would be to raise a kid. I've been honest and upfront, and I feel if I ask for a termination that my marriage would probably be over. My husband says, "We'll deal with it, we've dealt with everything else." Somehow I feel this is slightly different. I wanted to go back to school for my PhD so I could teach college instead of high school. I wanted to have a hefty retirement savings and nice vacations with my husband. If this baby happens, I can kiss all of that goodbye. My marriage will never be the same. I will resent this as the end of my freedom and my relationship with my husband that I was so proud of will suffer for sure. I feel like the most horrible person for the thoughts I'm having. I actually am considering terminating and telling him I lost it or the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat or something. He is my best friend and the love of my life and I know he would be destroyed over something like that. Will keep everyone posted. I took a test this morning (negative), but it's been sitting in my dresser drawer for at least a year and may have not been accurate. Probably should buy one tomorrow. I just wanted to vent. My hubbie is my life and I don't have many close friends, so it's my beloved forum from bellaonline!

Virgogirl, Oh my god, my heart goes put to you.... What can I say but fingers crossed. Hopefully it's just a scare, keep us posted. (((big hugs)))) J

Virgogirl, try not to panic until you have a positive pregnancy test. Any number of things can make a period later than usual, less sleep, stress, etc. At 33 days, it's something to consider, but give it a few more days. Also when you get older (even at 36!) you may begin to start perimenopause, and that can cause your period cycles to change. You are being responsible and using an IUD, and condoms, it is possible, but very unlikely that you are pregnant. Let's hope this is the case, if not, you have a hard decision to make!

Generally missing 1 period isn't much to be concerned about...its missing 2 that you should worry.

VirgoGirl: Until you know for sure if you are pregnant try not to panic. I know.....easier said than done in this situation.

I understand and feel for all that you've said in your post. When I was married I hoped that I'd never get pregnant because I felt that I'd have to terminate the pregnancy, and that would certainly end my marriage because my husband wanted children and I did not. I knew he'd hate me for it, and my husband was everything to me too.

Please keep us posted, and know that we all support you and are here for you.

(((Big hugs)))

Virgogirl, hi. One line of your post stuck out to me. When you said that if you were in fact expecting and you asked for a termination, that your marriage would be over. Have you thought that if you were expecting and went through with it in spite of what you really want, your LIFE as you enjoy it could be over. I am normally one of these overly honest people who is big on communication, but if I were in that situation, I'd not tell a soul and terminate. Your body Your choice!..and at the end of the day, your life. I wish you the best. Since it seems you've told your husband, i would also tell him that this affects you much more heavily than him in a physical sense and that you're not willing to go through with it. I have to say I get ripped on for not having intercourse until my husband finds a vasectomy doc, and your situation tells me that we are doing the right thing. In spite of what society would have us think, unplanned pregnancy can happen to even the most intelligent, responsible people.

To echo misstalia - it's your choice and to continue with the pregnancy (if you are actually pregnant) would affect you far more than him. It may sound horribly selfish but you need to consider yourself and your own well-being first whatever course of action that may mean. So first, deep breath and take a test! It may be worrying over nothing (and I'm hoping and praying for you that it is.) If it is something then, at the end of the day, it is your choice, no-one elses and however horrible you think your husband may feel over this 'lost chance', think how much worse you might feel for giving in - no-one has the right to tell you how to live your life, nor how best to achieve happiness. Do what's right for you and your happiness, even if that means terminating and lying to save hurting him - he claims you two could deal with anything, as harsh as it sounds it would be something he would have to deal with. Sending all good thoughts out to you - hopefully it is just a scare keeping you on your toes!

Well, I hope it is just a "scare." For some of us, it has been worse. I was definitely afraid that when (despite our best efforts) I got pregnant my husband would want to keep the baby. It's one thing to say, "I okay with not having kids" when there aren't any, but it's another story when your wife is pregnant and the actual possibility of fatherhood is attainable.

I don't want this to sound like a judgment, because it's not; but for me, I could never lie to my husband like that. I'm a pretty honest person to begin with (the phrase "tactless" has been used to describe me more than a few times), and when I found out I was pregnant, I: 1. never intended to not tell him, and 2. immediately knew I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I would never lie and say something was wrong with it just to justify terminating it. For me, it's kind of like the golden rule, "do unto others..." Were the tables turned, I'd want to know. Was I worried he might be so angry with me that it ended our marriage? Yes I was. But, I felt it was his right to have all the information to make that choice.

I just don't need those kinds of lies in my marriage. I mean, if your husband messes up and has a one-night stand with some woman, but tells himself, "it's okay. I'm sorry I did it, but she'll never know and there is no reason to ruin our marriage over it," is that right? I know I'd want to know if my husband cheated on me, so that at least I'm now apart of the decision as to whether or not we have a marriage I want to be in.

It sucks, but sometimes things just suck. Luckily, my husband understood and supported my decision.

I agree with everyone else though, condoms + IUD is pretty solid. IUD takes out the human error, which is nice. Just take a new test tomorrow. Good luck.

It might be a very simple case of your period being a little late. Any number of reasons. I used to have clockwork periods, but around my 30s, they started to lengthen and shorten (never seemed to be the same). Hormones just change as we get older. You might be late this month and have regular cycles again for ages.

Hang in there.

Hi Girls- Thank you all so much for your support. As it turns out, I am not pregnant- Aunt Flo finally showed up on day 35! One person suggested perimenopause, and I think at almost 37 years old, that might be it. I'm all over the place, anywhere from 28 to 35 days. One good thing did come out of this. I am no longer on the fence. Not even the tiniest little bit. I have been shoved firmly into the NO Camp, and finally broke down and told my husband. I said to him, "My feelings really haven't changed since we got married. Are you going to be OK with not having kids?" His response: "I'm going to have to be, I guess." While certainly not the response I would have hoped for, I think I can safely say that I probably won't lose him over this. He saw how miserable I was last week. I'm sure it was hard for him to say, "Don't worry, you'll be bleeding like a champ in a few days" and turn out to be right. lol. You all mean so much to me and I'm so glad I have this forum. I've finally made my decision, which feels good, but it helps to talk with people who really understand. I have no one in my life who is CF, and I think, as sad as it sounds, I will need support over the last few years I have left that it's still possible to have a baby to remind me to be true to myself! You all are the best!