BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My husband's family reunion, help!

Ha! These responses are funny. I come from a culture that also has no boundaries when it comes to personal issues, and believe me the "polite responses" or evasions will not work. We all know that even in "white" North American culture, people are very persistent on the child issue, and you can forget it in any ethnic or religious culture.

Dolyn, you are right to be concerned, it's going to be very difficult to conceal the truth. I recently had a half-hour discussion with an auntie about being childfree, and it took a lot of humour on my part to be able to parry all her pointed questions; and this is a regular occurrence for me at most extended family events. I can see why your husband would want to avoid this kind of third-degree, but there's no getting around it. You can indeed start off as Chi suggested, since it is true that you physically cannot have children. But eventually it's going to come out that it is a conscious choice, especially since your sister-in-law once offered surrogacy as an option! Maybe you should have a chat with your husband about "signals" you can use to indicate to each other when you're embroiled in an attack from a relative. Then he can come over to help change the subject or try to evade it. I highly suggest witty responses to the questions, they are more fun than serious ones.

Dolyn -

One thing that I've used with conservative (re children) people when I just didn't want to deal with it, is to say something like, "I'm sure I'll get pregnant/have a child/... when God decides it's time." This implies you are doing something about it (in our case getting a tubal to avoid it, but that's our private business) and nothing has happened yet. I don't know if you are a believer, but they are, and in this case, that's what matters. The usual answer is something like "I'll pray for you" and you can reply with something generic and positive about prayer at which point you can usually get away with changing the subject. If they bring up adoption or surrogacy, just tell them that you haven't given up on God. (Or if you are known to be religious, you can say something like "I'm sure God will let me know when the time is right.")

Good Luck!

Julie

hi Dolyn,

I feel for you on this. I hate lying too. and when it came to this issue I spent years lying about it.(also like a nerd, I wrote down the lies I told so I wouldn't forget them) the truth just wants to fly out of your mouth but you know that what you say may come with lots of drama...and mine did. when I finally announced CF forever some family members on my husbands side seriously lost it. and about a year later things are still not right between them. we feel ousted from the family.

If I were you I would find something that you feel comfortable saying. I am not a fan of saying I cant because that usually brings up the adoption options and that jazz. I do like "god will let me know when the time is right" - what can they say to that? argue god is running late or steering you wrong? less is definately best, think of what they may ask and come up with polite but evasive responses.

but just a thought...
we are about the same age and one thing I realized is that I can only hold on to this lie for so long and then the truth will come out...5,10,15 years will go by fast. people know I lied about wanting kids. they know I lied about it for years and told them a lie for years. I dont like that some people think I am a liar. choose what you say wisely, because time -and the lack of children - will rat you out eventually. what would be worse to them? the admission there will be no kids or them knowing that you lied to their face over and over again? would being honest have made things different with my husbands family? would it have prevented them from hating me? likely not...but I dont know for sure. part of me believes weaving lies sowed distrust and betrayal that only increased the wrath we endured.

wishing you a wonderful and drama free vacation.

I think if the family is pressing the issue hard it's probably best to tell them you had your tubes tied, kids aren't right for you, and let them react in any way they choose. Hopefully not a war, but that's really their problem isn't it? You are being true to yourself. If you lie now and they find out years from now what the truth is, things may even be less comfortable.

I've showed all this to my husband, and he's sticking by his original "Please lie. I just don't want to deal with this."

Thanks for all the advice. I tried to make him understand, but I promised I wouldn't say anything. My hands are tied.

I sure would like to know the outcome of the family reunion in Costa Rica. Because well it sounds like the Italian Catholic reunions that I had to attend. My husband and I do not have children and my husband is the only son, to Italian parents. Our life has been pure torture. To the point that we moved 2200 miles away. The decision to not have children is private and should be between you and your husband. It is your life and the family should respect your decision. I know that is easier said than done. But unless you want to listen to them nag you about when you are going to have a baby for the rest of your child bearing years, then I think honesty is the best policy. The in-laws will go crazy, but they will get over it eventually. (I hope for your sake)

In his defense, in Costa Rica child-rearing is everyone's business. That can be a really nice thing if you want to pawn off your kid/s on grandma or one of the many aunts or cousins. They downside is that feel cheated if they don't get to watch your kids and act like you're somehow wronging them by denying them that right. I think a traditional way of living is great but if you choose to do something different then that should be respected as well. It's strange to me because I would think that people who are so conservative would expect traditional family relationships before kids, but my husband's family has a lot of the women with kids and no husbands and to me that's at last as bad as not having any kids from a traditional stand point. It's like they'll accept some things but not others which is very confusing.

Dolyn, how was the reunion?