BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids interesting discussion with a young one yesterday

My boyfriend's niece is 20, and an interesting topic came up at lunch yesterday. My bf mentioned that his niece is really considering the childfree life (he chose to be childfree a long time ago himself). I congratulated the niece and told her that she won't have to worry about her offspring dealing with the problems our generation and previous generations are leaving behind. She said, "Wow, I like your reasoning better than mine. I just don't like kids." I told her that even though I didn't choose this lifestyle, it's worked out well for me, and that she needs to be prepared for people who will NOT agree with her decision. She feels that the environmental reasons will keep people off her back and make them think about their own choices, but we'll see. I did tell her that very few people in the world can handle a discussion about this without trying to tell her she'll regret it.

I think that if she changes her mind, then fine. She'd be a good parent if she chooses it. If she sticks with her decision to remain childfree, then I wish her all the best because so many people (esp where we live) don't understand how someone could make that choice. I hope she has the strength to put up with the people who like to judge.

Bf's nephew is 22 and didn't say anything while we were talking. I'm not sure how he feels about his future yet.

Wow, this brings back memories for me! "I just don't like kids" was something I often said at 20 (I am now 30). My husband and I were 21 when we got married. I remember going through a pre-wedding counseling session with my preacher. When he brought up kids, my husband and I answered "no" at the same time. He just said "Ah, you two are young now. When you get older, you'll feel differently."

Of course, our opinions never changed and we are still CF. But I think it starts this way for most CF people -- when you're a young adult, you simply "don't like kids" and therefore have no desire to have any. But as you grow older and go through the experience of friends having kids, you get so much more insight into how hard raising a child really is and how much self-sacrifice it really takes. But, of course when you're 20, you don't think of this so much!

[quote=happy one]She feels that the environmental reasons will keep people off her back and make them think about their own choices, but we'll see.[/quote] It usually doesn't work for me when I mention the environmental reasons - I keep getting this argument that "the US isn't overpopulated, we're actually under populated, so everyone needs to have at least one child, bla bla bla..." Excuse me, but the US is part of the rest of the world, and the rest of the world [i]IS[/i] overpopulated! And that one child is still one more mouth to feed among the rest! But it seems to me that this may be the first time that some of these people have even considered that there is a choice to be childfree, and it blows up their world, so all logic flies out of their brains...

Maybe when people are slightly older they do have more logical reasons for remaining childfree. But are these the real reasons or just the justifications for their decision? I was discussing why I didn't want children with my husband (not 100% childfree unlike me) a while ago and giving all the long explanations of time, money, space, better for the environment, more time for family etc. and he just cut me off and said they were just excuses. And I think he's right! My ultimate reason for not having children is simply I don't want them! However, for a lot of people it's something so 'unnatural' (my sister-in-law has actually called me this before) that I feel like I need to give all these reasons to justify my decision.

'But it seems to me that this may be the first time that some of these people have even considered that there is a choice to be childfree, and it blows up their world, so all logic flies out of their brains...' Yutolia - I couldn't agree more! It hasn't been that long that women have had reliable control over their reproduction so the idea of being voluntarily childfree is obviously hard for some people to swallow. I tried explaining to my mother-in-law that I was childfree and she actually didn't understand. She thought I was saying that we wanted to wait a few years first and kept telling me how mature I was for my age to think about my marriage before bringing kids into the picture! I feel kind of bad about having to tell her I'm the reason her eldest son won't be giving her any grandchildren!

It actually seems like our way of thinking is becoming more popular with the younger generation. I frequent another forum site called Gaia Online which is completely unrelated to being childfree and a lot of the population there are in there late teens and early twenties. Without ever bringing it up, I've noticed more and more younger people coming forward about not being interested in procreating or considering adoption in the future. Of course "they might change their minds when they meet that special someone" (gag) but hopefully this way of life is going to seem less strange in ten to twenty years. Yutolia - I find it completely repulsive when I hear the counter-argument that the U.S. is underpopulated even though the rest of the world is because it just says so much about the person in so few words. I can do without those kinds of people in my life.

During my marriage it was not often that I got positive feedback from my husband or his family about my decision to be CF. I did get the feeling that they thought my decision was unnatural. My husband thought I'd eventually change my mind, meaning that the true purpose of my life would eventually dawn on me as I got older. I almost did feel like a freak at times because I just did not want kids and didn't like them much either.

I do hope with time that people in general will become more accepting of this choice, because when you are young it is hard to deal with the criticism that gets dished out to you. Being almost 43 now I don't give a rat's behind what anyone else thinks about my life choices, but when I was in my 20's and 30's it did bother me a bit that I felt so out of place in some family situations, knowing that I was probably being frowned upon because I didn't have a baby on my hip.

'but when I was in my 20's and 30's it did bother me a bit that I felt so out of place in some family situations, knowing that I was probably being frowned upon because I didn't have a baby on my hip.' Well I'm in my 20s and whilst no-one in his family says it (apart from his sister) I do get the impression they think it. To be honest I already get the disapproval because of not being the Catholic-Latina-from-a-nice-family-who-wouldn't-live-with-him-before-marriage. I think they think I've corrupted him! That said, I'm currently in a grace period due to having recently moved/new job and settling in so I reckon I have another couple of years before they really start attacking me over providing grandchildren! With regards to young people, I think there is a growing level of consciousness that we have near complete free choice. Practically everyone I went to high school with is now a mother and still in their home town whereas friends I went to university with are far more focused on career and travel and a good well-rounded life that doesn't necessarily involve reproduction.

'I find it completely repulsive when I hear the counter-argument that the U.S. is underpopulated even though the rest of the world is because it just says so much about the person in so few words. I can do without those kinds of people in my life.' I totally agree! It's such a US-centric point of view! When people do use that 'logic' on me, I usually change subjects right then...

Hi -- author of Families of Two here...in interviewing hundreds of people who are childfree, I have learned that while there are many "reasons" why we make this choice, the bottom line is it's an emotional decision--we just do not have a that emotional desire to have kids. Our reasons serve to support the choice. I too see more young people more certain earlier in life about not wanting kids. I am starting a longitudinal study of 20 somethings to track this over time. If you are 20 something and want to be part of the study, please contact me laura at lauracarroll.com. If you know someone who is twenty something and who is sure about this choice, the same! ~Laura Families of Two lauracarroll.com