BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My husband's family reunion, help!

Okay, so my husband and I are going to his family reunion in July. It's in Costa Rica, where he is originally from. It's both his parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, tons of cousins and uncles and aunts... the whole deal. I told him I was a little worried about people asking questions. I love Hispanic people, grew up in Miami so I feel I know their culture better than my own. I can't imagine a room of Costa Rican women not noticing we've been married nearly 7 years and have no kids. They are going to ask, and they are going to ask VERY detailed questions. When it comes to family members making babies, they'll even ask how many times a week you have sex. Trust me.

Here's my problem. No one in his family knows I've had my tubes tied. He made me promise not to say anything to them. I understand his hesitation, being the only son of Catholic Hispanics, he doesn't want to deal with what I'm sure in his head is going to be some knock-down-drag-out-war. Yes, we've told his parents that we aren't having kids, but no one ever believes you mean it (you all know it, say it with me now, "Oh, You'll change your mind"). We are still relatively young (both 27), so they still expect we have time to do so as well. For most people, when they ask about kids, I have no problem quickly and proudly offering up, "No kids for me, had my tubes tied years ago." Ends the conversation pretty quickly. People can't argue with cauterized fallopian tubes.

So, here's my REAL problem. I can't lie. Lying by omission, no problem. I can keep my mouth shut about it. But, if one of his nosey aunts or cousins outright asks me what kind of birth control method we use, I'm not going to know what to say. If I even try to say, "It's a private matter between me and my husband," oh man, they will hate me. Now, my husband knows this about me, my problem with outright lying. I told him my concern, and I swear he got just as concerned a look on his face too when he realized what we were getting into.

Any ideas? Frankly, I'm dreading this trip. No amount of cheap, Costa Rican booze is going to save me.

Wow, my husband is from Costa Rica too. What a coincidence since it's such a small place. Since his family is full of constant drama, if I had my tubes tied and we told them I think it would boil over quickly. Keep in mind he's the only male out of three sisters and the only one without kids, however he also left the country at 20 and they've sort of seem him as a traitor ever since getting citizenship. Basically one more thing wouldn't surprise them too much. We're obviously different from the crowd so we try to just be who we are, and they will accept it or they won't. So far that has worked with all of our previous non-traditional announcements and he's still in the family and I'm still welcome in their houses.

Just say, "I can't have children." That's the truth. If they press further, say with a solemn face, "And I'm so sorry but I really don't like to talk about it." Both are true statements.

They'll run to your hubby for answers and frankly, because he wishes to keep it under wraps, it is his problem to deal with.

Chi-Japanese Food........your post sounds like good advice to me.

Dolyn, I like Chi's answer as well. If the relates persist, pretent to start whimpering and say " I just cannot talk about this" and walk away. Gosh, I can't believe they would ask such personal questions !

Try to have a wonderful vacation.

Wishing you the very best.

cp

::sigh:: I could, I suppose. But, I think it's horrible to imply such things when there are actually women who can't have children.

I suppose I'll just have to lie, say I have an IUD or something. He's says he's actually afraid that if they find out, they will tell him to divorce me. Ah, Catholicism. Obviously, I'm not afraid he would. But, like I said, he's avoiding the war. Guess I'm just a part of the cover up.

You know, normally honesty is the best policy, and your choices should be respected, however sometimes it's just easier to not rock the boat. We can't change everyone's mind.(sigh) It's not the right thing, but sometimes just the easiest. Since you are still young, I think you have a few more years to duck and dodge this question. If you don't see these family members often then a few omissions could work. Be friendly, plesant, and appear to answer their questions without akwardness. Then ask them about their lives and divert! Watch politicians! When they ask are you having kids, you could smile and say, we'll see! when they ask if you are on birth control, you can just say no, I'm not on any birth control, which is not a lie per say! If they ask how many times a week, well no harm in saying that as well. That leaves them thinking you are trying, but no luck so far. THis should satisfy them enough for you to enjoy your vacation! I think this can work until you are 32, or 33, and by then you can just be honest and say you just haven't been able to get pregnant. I think since it is your husbands family, he can worry about placating them in the future.

People always throw out adoption though. Adoption, the answer to all infertility. Plus, his sister definitely told me once that if we needed it, she would happily be a surrogate. That was so many years ago, I don't even remember the context of the conversation, just that horrifying statement. God, it's just a lose-lose-lose situation.

Is it better to lie?

The truth is you can't have children. The truth is, you don't care to discuss it. If they infer that you want children but can't have children, they weren't listening to you both when you told them you did not want children.

The only other way to deal with it honestly is to tell your husband that you are going to be open about this and if asked, you will tell them that you had your tubes tied. This will end further questioning. Will it start a war? Why should it? What can be done about it? Nothing. You and your husband are only delaying the inevitable. Get it over with. You will feel peace.

Dolyn, I would respond to any questions with an immediate diversion...lol. Obviously, when talking to family, you can't TOTALLY ignore their questions. However, you could always respond to them quickly and in a way that would discourage further discussion...Example: "When are you two having a child?" Your answer: "You will have to wait and see." and laugh it off. NEXT SUBJECT! haha. Seriously, bring the attention back onto THEM or discuss something that's going on in your life....I can imagine your husband's family, my family is Italian, and probably similar. Thankfully, my parent's are cool with it though. I wish you the best.