BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure I want kids, my husband does

upsetandconfused: I now read the anwsers you got and your late post. I also looked like crazy for such groups, when I was in your situation. And, I don't know where you live, but I don't think they exist.
On the one hand, not wanting children is not a psychological problem.
On the other hand, outside this forum, there are very few women who will admit to not wanting children. If you subtract from them, the ones who are single + the ones in a relationship where the other doesn't want children either, well we are not that many.
This is something that only makes you really suffer when, like in my case, you significant other wants a family.
I have a theory (absolutely personal, non scientific) that there are women who might be in denial saying they are waiting for more financial stability, a bigger house etc to have a baby while actually hoping menopause hits before they have to take a decision)

What about surrogacy? Has anyone looked into this option? Or is the point that if i dont want it enough to go through the pain and misery that i don't want it enough?

Capybara, about the tokophobia, I know it is listed as a phobia in phobias lists, I just find it to be too different from other phobias to be considered a real one. There are phobias that have no apparent reason, for example you may be terrified of birds or spiders even if you never had a problem with one. Other phobias have an origin, for example you could be terrified of birds because when you were little one pecked at you or cars, because you once had a car crash. In the second case it is easier to understand, but it is still irrational. Chances are, no bird will peck at you again. Most people who drive safely arrive their destination safe.
In your friend's case, her phobia comes from a traumatic experience, that makes it all the "less irrational". But you cannot compare it with other phobias, because if you are pregnant, chances are, well, birth is really going to take place no matter what. And you cannot tell her "visualize yourself giving birth and everything will be better than you think". Actually there is nothing you can say or do. Birth will happen. A C-section is not a phobia treatment.
As far as its being glossed over... We are surrounded by this fantasy that pregnancy is a beautiful natural thing that all women want to experience at least once in their lives, surrounded by women telling you that the day they gave birth to their child was the happiest day in their life, people are showing their ultrasounds and their bellies all over the place... it is only natural that, phobia or not, this physical rejection against the whole thing gets glossed over. People don't want to hear about it no matter how you call it, but if they see such rejection, they want to make it look like a pathology.

Solalux - I completely agree with what you say about it not being a phobia. I personally would possibly consider having kids if the whole pregnancy/birth/newborn stage could be skipped over as it repulses me so much. But I don't consider this irrational - especially when the first thing I see on the internet news page this morning was a ruling on the case of a woman who died giving birth due to the fact the overworked midwife gave her an epidural in the arm rather than a saline drip! I simply meant it is a recognised 'condition' and it is a name for women who are so terrified by birth/pregnancy as to interfere with their lives. In the case of my friend who had the caesaerean she was made to go to various 'phobia cure' and support groups to 'help her through it.' It sounded like a load of (male) doctors sitting around telling them they're being silly and irrational and the fact it hurts is good, it's 'positive' pain! I suppose they have to list it officially as a phobia as the 'natural' thing is for women to want children. Admittedly if left to nature a large portion of these women might die but this somehow doesn't figure! And I suppose people pretend it is all so beautiful because babies have become the new happy ending. Everyone I know, regardless of lack of relationship/career success/happiness, are sprogging up and considering themselves 'fulfilled'! Sorry if I'm sounding rather bitter - the pressure from the in-laws just reared its ugly head today!

Upsetconfused, I worry for you, if you wanted a baby/children, would you find yourself here? I know how hard the decision is to make, it took me years of limbo and obsession every day until I realised that I had been using the issue to cover up my fear of uncertainty. The fear of the future, the fear Hubby would leave me, the fear I would be alone both now and in future. It took a lot of soul searching (with not many people to talk to, I might add) to uncover my real motivation for being stuck. For me, it was cemented when I became a stepmum of a wonderful girl who is loving, caring and a good good kid. I hated it. I love the girl to bits but I hate what having 50/50 custody does to our lives. The issue isn't with her, it's how it changes our lives, week on week off. THERE IS NO BREAK WHEN THEY ARE YOURS. I am not for a moment suggesting that you should or should not have children, however, if you are so conflicted about it, phobias aside as this is new, your uncertainty is not, you are 35 and still stalling. I am 40 and was doing the same until recently. Perhaps looking at the above issues may help? I don't know, o just know the hell you are in and I hope you can work through it without making a decision that will affect the rest of your life, either way. All the very best to you, I wish you peace and healing. J

Solalux.....I actually did hope for early menopause to hit so I could have a good excuse in my husband's eyes to not have kids, because my reasons for wanting to be CF just didn't sit well with him. And I did make excuses to myself for many years during our marriage because my personal reasons for wanting to be CF were just not good enough. So I thought about other reasons....immature husband, not enough money, too much stress in our lives at the moment, etc. etc.

It all does boil down to not wanting to have children because of the responsibility and the impact it would have on my life. When push came to shove and there was no more time for dabate on the issue, that's essentially what ended our marriage, but that means that now I can finally be true to myself.

This makes me sad. So are my options 1) have kids and stay married or 2) not have them and not? there has to be something else.

upsetconfused: When I was in my 20's one of my reasons for not wanting to have children was the fear of childbirth. As I got older I had many other reasons as well for wanting to remain CF, but the fear of pain was a very real issue for me back then.

I feel for you, as we all do. I wish I had a great answer for you but every situation is different. All I can say is that unless you are 100% sure that you want to have children I would not do it. You won't be happy in the long run and by then it is too late to change your mind.

I feel like i would like to adopt a 1 or 2 year old. My husband isn't open to adoption. wth? what is with having to have our own. i mean if you really want a child, why isn't adoption ok