BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Everything was good... now it's awful! Advice??

Hello fellow step parents. I'm new to this forum but am in dire need of some advice. I have a 4 year old step daughter who I have known since 16 months old. I also have a 16 month old son and am expecting another child in September. At first our contact with SD was every other weekend. Usually 4 nights long each visit. After going on maternity leave our SD's Mom agreed to give shared parenting a try. We have been doing 50/50 parenting almost a year and a half now and have been loving it. My husband and I are very close and we get along with SD's Mom very well. In fact she usually communicates with me rather than my DH and has always been very compassionate, flexible and generally wonderful to deal with! My problem is with little SD. Both my husband and I are very close and loving with SD. She settles into my lap for snuggles and hugs and kisses all the time. However, the last 2 or 3 visits she has been having a very difficult leaving her mommy and coming here. Last time she cried when Mom told her it was one more sleep till Daddy's house and today I picked her up and she was crying for most of the evening. When she first got in the car she seemed excited and told us how much she missed us this time. About halfway home she was very quiet and I asked her if she was ok and she burst into tears! This has never happened before! When we got home I picked her up and told her I was sorry she was sad and understood that she missed her mommy and that was ok. At this point she started sobbing! I tried to soothe her (my husband has much less patience for this kind of stuff) but she just cried harder the more I soothed. After about an hour of her whimpering and moping around I told her it was ok to be sad but maybe if she wanted to have a good cry she could go lay on her bed and do it and come down when she was feeling better. I made supper and discussed with hubby. By the end of the evening (after some snuggle time and a long book) she seemed much more settled. Bedtime went ok but I'm troubled. Are we doing the right thing with sharing the parenting? Is this what's best for her? We may be losing the shared parenting in 1.5 years anyways when she begins Kindergarten. (Mom lives 1.5 hrs away and is considering moving here but we're doubtful) I need some advice or others past experience. What should we do?? Signed, Heart Sick Step Mom

You know even children who live with both their biological parents have really bad days and weeks at that age or periods when they are super attached to one parent or the other. Don't blame it on the shared custody, but do keep an eye on her and talk with her mom about what all of you can do to help with the transitions.

Julie

We went through a period where SD wanted to go to mums in the evening and would cry on phone to her mother and get herself in a state, we also have 50/50 - both parties stayed strong and would just tell her that it was her time with daddy and i, she didn't like it much but it did turn out to be just that - a stage. Don't panic, it may take a while but it does pass all the best J

Thank you for the advice... it's very nice to know it's probably a stage and not the shared custody! Hopefully we can get her Mom on board a bit more emotionally. She's recently single and is relying on her little one for closeness and support. When her Mom's happy SD seems to do much better with the transition, right now we can't compete with Mom sleeping with her and spending every waking minute doing fun things with her. So SD misses her even more when Mom isn't busy with a social life. My husband is going to give Mom a call to discuss tomorrow and hopefully by our next week with her SD is in a better frame of mind to be here!

My SD is also VERY relied upon for support and friendship as mother isn't in the happiest situation and I think the poor little ones take on a caring role no matter the age. Smothering to me, may ease their pain but it just transfers it and brings a whole world of guilt to the child when they have to leave for their time with you.

Well we had a good chat with bio mom tonight and it was really ugly at first since she felt very attacked and betrayed. But in the end we agreed to leave everything alone and perservere through this rough spot. I turns out she's been crying when just about anyone says goodbye so it must just be a new phase of seperation anxiety. Poor little munchkin! Thanks again for all your help and advice, I will be back to this forum as it has helped immensely!