BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids How the other side really feels...

Well, I went and did it this time. A little note to others, avoid facebook when having a bad day. An old friend of mine, that I've known since we were 12, posted something on facebook about how hard it is to be a mom. Well... I'll let the posts speak for themselves: Friend: [i]I am a mother, chef, housekeeper, teacher, nurse, maid, security, event coordinator, professional organizer, supervisor, manager, secretary, nutritionist, caretaker, personal assistant, life coach, do the laundry, inventory, taxi driver and a motivational speaker. I don't get holidays paid, nor sick days, or days off. ...I am on call 24 hrs a day...7 days a week. Post this if you're a MOM.[/i] Me: [i]I do all that **** and I'm not a mom. Most people do. It's called LIFE. ::rolls eyes::[/i] Granted, perhaps a little harsh. But, the day I had today, I didn't feel like keeping quiet about the sanctimonious role of the mom in today's culture. However, her reply was VERY enlightening as to how she feels about ME and MY lifestyle: Friend: [i]You take care of cats not quite the same, you put a little food and water and clean the litter box. Dolyn, you could not handle taking care of kids 24/7. You can barely take care of yourself. You might have to do that for one or two people, but you couldn't do that full time for kids it's just not in you. and most people are not on call or working 24/7. I'm not complaining either. I am happy! Wonder who will take care of you when your are an old lady. After you die the cats will eat your flesh. But I'm not offended because of your ignorance...you're not a mom you wouldn't understand and that's fine. Keep on being cynical.:)[/i] Little background on my friend. She got pregnant in high school, gave the kid up for adoption, next pregnancy she had an abortion (which I have too, something we have discussed as being the best for both of us), and now she's got 3 kids (all accidents) from 2 different guys. Also, she was a bit of a "wild child" in high school, and I often had to take care of her a bit. Like, one time I had to drag her naked butt off a balcony at a party. THIS PERSON JUST TOLD ME I AM TOO INCOMPETENT TO RAISE CHILDREN. So, my response: [i]I could absolutely take care of kids 24/7 if I wanted to. I'm not incompetent, and I take care of myself just fine thank you very much. Point is, I choose NOT to. That post is inaccurate though. You do not cook, clean, teach, nurse, laundry, or life coach, etc... every second of every day. And, that you aren't complaining is BS. You just DID with that little post. And, who will take care of ANYONE when they get older? Having kids is no guarantee of elder care. Just look at all the people in nursing homes. I'm sorry, are they just for the childfree? I will take care of me when I'm older. Me and my BIG RETIREMENT FUND because I don't have to waste money on raising children. Yes, I'm not a mother. But, to tell me I don't understand the burden and annoyance of taking care of a completely dependent being is also inaccurate. I absolutely get it. That's why I'm not doing it. Lord knows it's not like any of you mother's make it look even remotely fun. But I'm not offended because of your ignorance... your not happily childfree, you wouldn't understand, and that's fine. Keep on being delusional.:)[/i] So... yeah... not sure how this one is going to get patched up. I mean, she said my cats were going to eat me. Even my husband said that was harsh, and he's CANADIAN. They are the world champions of forgiveness!

Wow... Sounds like you guys have been holding in a lot.

What's really going on between you two? Are you unhappy in this friendship?

If you don't consider her a real friend (sounds like she isn't), then cut ties. Fighting like this is only going to lead you both into feeling awful. You may regret the things you say to her then resent her for what she has said.

I see posts about sanctimonious moms all the time. I just let it be because there's no point in trying to talk to them. If they choose to look down on me for being CF, so be it. I can't fight everyone.

In all honesty, I think you both said really horrible things to each other. I don't know how you're going to be able to patch this up but maybe you shouldn't bother. Maybe you both should go on your separate ways from here on.

This is why I try not to post on social networks when I'm peeved. I have snapped at my FSIL twice because of my resentment towards her and honestly, I think it made me look like the bad guy, not her. Best to either say things in private or nothing at all because it always ends ugly.

I hope it all works out.

Just wow...I have nothing to add...I wish I could give you calm, wonderful insight like Jellyroll, but, in all honesty, her response sounds very childish and jealous. You handled it better than I would have.

Why do people think we are crazy for not having kids??? I just don't know what makes them feel so superior, oh and by the way if mycats need to eat me when I die - go for it little ones ... Dine well! On a serious note, it will calm down, when it does, there is the option to defriend!! J

Wow, I'm too disturbed by the whole cat eating your flesh statement to respond clearly! I will second your statement about parenthood being no guarantee of eldercare. My first job was at a retieremnt home where most peoples kids came at christmas and left them to rot for the other 364 days of the year. The one woman who never had kids, was regularly visited by her niece. Now when my great grandmother was in a nursing home we were there daily, but not EVERY family is that nurturing. ...To think otherwise is delusional...lol.

We were friends in high school. After, our lives went in different directions. She immediately began having kids, and I moved off to college. No, we don't really spend time together anymore. I live in another city, but even when we lived in the same place we didn't meet up often (you know, she has kids). I fully accept that I started it, and noted that I shouldn't have been posted in my tired, annoyed state. But, I didn't start by saying being a mom was unworthy, just that most the things she mentioned EVERYONE has to do. We all have to do laundry, clean, cook, and most of us choose to be responsible for our friends and family 24/7. I know if my mom needed me at 3 a.m., I'd be there. It's not just a service reserved for offspring. However, she CLEARLY thinks people who don't have children are somehow "deficient." Maybe we'll patch up our facebook friendship, maybe not. We'll see. Just thought it was interesting how someone who has always claimed to be understanding of the childfree lifestyle really feels about us. According to her, I don't "choose" to be childfree, I'm just unable to care for children so I don't have them. Seriously though, I wonder what the heck she meant by "barely take care of yourself." Um... I'm a married, Biologist with my own home. Perhaps she thinks my shellfish allergy makes me unable to parent? ::shrugs shoulders::

Hey, jellyroll. What a great resonse. I see these comments by moms on FB too. If they need to exhalt themselves to keep themselves motivated them so be it. They need to complain about their lives and everyone else's...shows how happy they are! Meanwhile most of us just complain about how much negativity parents try to bring to us, otherwise most of us on here seem satisfied with lifestyle in general.

Dolyn
Wow ! if she's so busy being mommee, how does she find time to spend on facebook?
She lists all her 'jobs' and states she doesn't get paid holidays,sick days, or days off etc., etc. ~~~ well, she choose her freakin' lifestyle so what's she doin' ? looking for sympathy ? What a loser!
cp

You said it so well Dolyn. I think most people think that about CF people, even though they don't say it. My family (incl husband) has never said it, but I suspect they think I decided to be CF because I can't take care of children, i.e. I'm too lazy and self-centered.

Your post to your friend on facebook was a bit harsh, but so was hers. Even so, I totally understand you. I find it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut and not voice my opinion on these matters. For example, a friend of a friend just had her 4th baby, kids by 2 different fathers, all accidents, she's never worked a day in her life, her bf works minimum wage, she smokes like a chimney, is on anti-depressants, never goes out, fights with bf all the time, her house is a big mess, complains about her life, I could go on and on. And she's only 33.
So knowing all this it was hard for me to keep a nice face and say I was happy for her. More like "I pity you!" or "what have you done with your life?!"...But I could not fake it either, so I just didn't say anything and try to avoid her at all costs.
Also, I would NEVER complain about kids before, but now I freely do. For example, when I'm out grocery shopping, I do say to hubby or Mom or whoever is with me "Grrrr...why are there kids at this time? (I go late at night during week) They are so annoying!". I think there's something empowering about voicing our opinions, because there's nothing wrong with them. And I think if more women spoke, there would be less women feeling guilty about deciding to be CF.

This forum has saved my life, I never thought there were other women out there that weren't too crazy about becoming mothers. But I just wish I could've found a role model in real life....

Dolyn, I think I probably would have answered the same thing, but not as well as you did.

I never could understand that "mom" post. It's not a job. It's a responsibility. It's been a responsibility for thousands of years. It's just in the past several years that people have been adding up how much they would get paid for it. Well, you don't get paid for your responsibilities.

I hate that post. I didn't respond to any of the ones I saw on my page, but I did feel my blood pressure rise to something closer to normal (I usually walk around with it so low people think I'm dead, lol).

I'll put my great-great-granny in here for a minute. I love bringing her up. She raised 13 kids, and has been quoted as saying that she didn't understand mothers today (this was a long time ago that she said this, mind you). She said she didn't understand why they felt they were too busy. She had her 13 kids (all but one survived to adulthood), and never felt like she was busy. She had fun and didn't feel like it was work.

Then again, she probably had all the kids do the chores, lol.