BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids CF dating a baby-crazed man...Help!

I've been lurking for awhile, and this forum is awesome BTW! Lately I have been asked to explain *why* I want to remain CF, and this site has been an asset to help me articulate what I've always felt inside. Now my decision has been called into question by someone close to me...It's a "single, no kids" question, but I'm betting you guys could give better insight than the relationship forum. Recently I met a fantastic man and we've been growing closer in our relationship. Early on, I brought up the fact that I wanted to remain CF, and this was not something I could compromise on. A couple of weeks ago we talked and apparently he does not feel the same way. Okay. So as much as I enjoy this person, I would never ask him to give up his life goals, and I expect the same in return. We have continued to see each other in spite of my CF Manifesto.. He told me last night that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. We revisited the kids thing, and he said he would be willing to keep an open mind about not having kids if I would keep an open mind about HAVING them. My own boyfriend actually bingo'ed my reasons against chilren.. My own boyfriend!! He wants to do couple's therapy to see if we can determine why I feel this way! Honestly I feel hurt by his implication that my values are something that therapy can "cure." I feel that he is trying to manipulate the situation by professing his love at this point in time. Would anyone here spend the money to go to therapy with a significant other who dismissed their CF decision? Or is this something he has to come to terms with on his own if we are to be together? Sorry this turned into a rant of sorts, but I'm so tired of wasting the mental energy. In the past I've bailed on relationships for a lot less than this. I enjoy being single, so it has occured to me that maybe there's a little bit of self sabatoge on my part.

Hello
It's important that you honor your what's in your heart. If you change your mind at some point that has to come from inside of you. This is important because it's about your inner calm, harmony and peace. And you won't have anyone blame for your decision. As far a sabatoge, just get quiet, honest and listen, again to what's in your heart. You're worth it.
All the best to you, I'm glad you posted.

Pontic, it sounds like you are adament on remaining childfree, so what's the problem??? Is he trying to talk you into something that obviously you want no part of?

Sounds to me that he wants kids.. PERIOD.. and chances are he will Not change his mind. Soooo be careful, and think about this relationship very carefully.

Good luck.
CP

I'm going to tell you this, and you aren't going to want to hear it, but... you have to let him go. People have all kinds of reasons for wanting to be childfree. Some want to focus on their careers, some like their free time, a lot of us just equate it to "we don't feel like anything is missing." And, yes, there are some people who have decided not to have children due to some "issues" they have had. But, to say "I'd like you to go to therapy with me to determine 'why' you feel this way," is an insult and an implication that anyone who wishes to remain childfree is somehow crazy. We get it. We are in the minority (or so people lead us to believe). But, just because you are in the minority doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you. My best friend is vegan, and I cannot imagine not eating meat. That doesn't mean I think she needs to go to counseling to work though her "meat issues." The fact of the matter is, this guy wants kids. He likes you, that's obvious, or else he wouldn't be pushing it so hard. But, you know something he can't wrap his head around: you are not going to have children. It's something we just feel in our bones. That feeling you get when the cry of a baby makes you cringe, or you scan a restaurant trying to find the booth as far away from kids as you can. Then of course there's the old cliche`, "but, you'll like your own kids!" No. I'd probably "love" my own kids thanks to a release of oxytocin, and that would probably keep me from killing them. But, I've yet to see anyone convince me that they "like" their kids. Hell, my own mom noted that the best day in the lives of all 4 of her children was the day we each learned to hold the bottle on our own. And, my mom was the best mom in the history of the whole world! We drove her crazy. I actually fed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to the VCR when I was 4 "because it looked hungry." (Mental note: Call mom and thank her for not drowning me in the bath tub.) I digress. You don't need to hear me rant. You know it already. It's a [censored] situation, it really is. But, it's not going to end well. You know he only said "he'd keep an open mind" because he wants YOU to say the same thing. He isn't going to change his mind any more than you are. When my husband asked me to marry him, I told him (like you), "I have no plans to have children, and you better not marry me thinking I'm going to change my mind." He replied, "Yeah, I figured. I've seen you around kids. I'm okay with that." No argument. No discussion. He took me for exactly who I am. You deserve that too. Good luck my friend. -D

Dolyn
When I read "the feeling you get when the cry of a baby makes you cringe or you scan a restaurant........" WELL, for sure that's ME.

- Very good advice.
cp

I totally agree with Dolyn. He may be Mr Wonderful...but he is not "Mr Great For Me". There is someone out there who is, though....you will just have to find him.

If you two were to get married, I am afraid I can see him trying to pressure you to have kids.

"Therapying" yourself into wanting to have children. That is sooooo horrible! He just doesn't believe that you as a mature adult do not want children. Actually he things something is very wrong with you. Such lack of understanding and respect cannot be good for a future relationship. I know out of experience that line: "let us keep the future open, because we (and by "we" I mean "you") might change our mind". It means he believes you will come to your senses and realize what a beautiful thing having kids is.

I am not the best to talk about it, because I caved in and had a child, but my guilt pushed me a lot more than my boyfriend, later husband and he never suggested that I needed help. He tried to understand, but I know people don't change sides in this matter.

Actually, I was feeling miserable with guilt and feelings of inappropriateness even before meeting my husband. From the outside, I acted like I was 100% OK with not wanting children but deep inside I thought for the longest time that there was something wrong with me. Ironically I learned that I never wanted to have children when I had mine. Basically, I never felt the least joy or anticipation during the pregnancy, on the contrary I used the hormones to allow myself all the denial I could get with sporadic panic attacks. After birth, which was beyond horrible, I didn't feel the child had been worth the pregnancy and birth, I didn't fall in love with him and I fell in a very bad depression. And then, I went to therapy and I learned that I HAD NEVER WANTED CHILDREN, JUST LIKE THAT. My therapist told me quite early and I still kept looking for answers. But she really found no traumas, no issues in two years.

I can also relate with you when you say you liked being single. I did too, and I had broken up in the past with guys who had started a sentence by saying "when I have children...". That alone made them history. But I really thought my today DH was the best for me, and that he was worth confronting what I thought it was my problem. He has delivered. He supported me through the whole drama, doesn't expect any more children and has done as much diaper changing, bottle feeding, etc as me, although he works longer hours. My marriage is great, but as anecdote: my son fell off the bike last weekend and his lip was bleeding. My husband couldn't barely look and, what did I say? : "You cannot deal with a little blood but you were glad that I went through so much [censored]!". He was a little shocked. So some resentment is there. Not because he forced me too (he didn't, I decided not to use the condom a couple of times to force me into it) But the fact that he was really happy with anticipation during the pregnancy and the fact that he tried to convince me to breastfeed (in vain), as if I hadn't had enough, still annoy me sometimes to this day, and the kid is 3.

Sorry I rant. What I mean to say is: if you are sure and happy about not wanting children, as you should, there is no way to change that. If your boyfriend is thinking of therapy it is showing a lack of understanding that could also be an issue in other aspects of life. You say that you might feel like this because you enjoy being single. If you miss being single being together with this man, you have to reconsider what this relationship gives you.

Again sorry this came out too long. And sorry about my English. It is not my first language and I feel especially clumsy today.

Thanks for all the replies. It's always so hard to see clearly when your emotions and heart is involved. The only reason I would go see a therapist at his request is so he could would know that CF is my final answer. He guilted me into it by asking how I could be so quick to walk away from what we have...that I should at least be willing to go talk to someone to see "why" I feel this way. He says he would be able to accept it if he just knew the why's. To me, it's just who I am. I had great parents and a fantastic childhood. I just value my freetime and the ability to travel too much to give it up. Oh, AND I'm a small business owner. Even if I wanted children, I don't know how I could fit them into my very full (and very satisfying) life. Most of my friends just don't get it either. They tell me that I'm bringing this up way too soon, and that we should just keep getting to know each other. "Besides," they say, "people change their minds." One guys friend even suggested that this person obviously isn't the right one because I don't want to have a baby with him! So it's great to get other CF people's perspectives on the issue.

He's treating you like you are broken and you need to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with you - you just don't want the same things. Would he be willing to go to therapy to explore "why" he wants children? If no, then his attitude is clear.

My opinion is not one that you'll probably like, but having been through all this before, I know how it feels. Let each other go. You're not the right match for each other because you want such different things, and these things are not open to compromise.

My opinion (which I think most realtionship experts would agree with): kids are something a couple MUST agree on.