BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting The kid is driving me insane!

I need to vent! My 12 year old SS is driving me nuts! He has a behavior problem. He's bi-polar, ODD, and has ADHD (poor little fella). He can't help it, I know. Some people may not understand this, but I'm an empath, so his feelings become painfully aware to me, add my feelings of irritation because of the behavior he has, and I end up one very large raw nerve. This morning was the icing on the cake! I ended up physically sick with lots of anxiety. He does and says the most inappropriate things. His actions and words are downright vulgar here lately. He's being weened off a new med the doctor was trying. It made him worse, but he's not getting any better as he comes off of it. His father keeps jumping to his defense, and I honestly understand that he feels like everyone is ganging up on his child, but I also know this child doesn't have to behave this way. I'm limited on the type of dicipline I can use (extremely limited). He knows this, so he uses it. There's no respect because frankly he doesn't care and knows that if I lash out, his mother and father will look at me as the bad guy. My fiance told me last night that the child is just on a downhill slope because of his med adjustment and everyone needs to understand that. I told him that while that may be true, not all behavior can be fixed with medication and my SS needed to take responsibility for his actions. I got silence in return to my comment. Ahhhhhh! Of course he will misbehave! He knows he's going to get away with it. I hate to say this, but I cringe when he walks through my door! Not only do I feel his feelings, I have my own to deal with. Anyone ever had a child just completely defy you then turn around and laugh and wave at you? It was like he was saying "I did it and you can't stop me. Na na na na na na."

I can see your point. I think far too many parents these days use new medical illnesses to let their children get away with bad behaviour. The fact is, even if children do have these 20th century illnesses, they still need to be punished - but it becomes an excuse for not punishing them at all.
This ADD thing seems to have sprung up everywhere - notice how it also popped up after parents were made to feel like satan for spanking their children. I think its far too over used by ppl and the medical proffession to explain naughty kids, personally.
Yes, it's awful if he's suffering from bi-polar, especially at such a young age, but the actions you describe, make him sound more like a typical naughty brat rather than a child with a mental illness. I have no idea how BI-P affects young children but...
Anyways... can't you just say you don't want the child in your house or explain how it's making you physically ill? There's no excuse for not punishing him in some way, if he's doing what you described at the end of your comment - this is basically telling you, he knows what he's doing and he's playing his parents. Children are far from stupid and they will abuse a situation if they think they can. That's my two cents anyways...

Very well said, Horror Movies Editor. I can testify from experience how my stepchildren used and abused their "privileges" to come between me and my DH. And then DH reason that they are still "so young" (they were 11 and 13 at that point in time when we got together). They are now 18 and 15 (almost 16) and it's still an uphill battle.

I couldn't agree more! Its widely overused and I do feel like parents are in a sense forced to medicate to calm children rather than dicipline. While my SS does require treatment, believe me he does, I also feel he's manipulative. I can't say that I don't want him here without causing a major fall out. I just find it hard to deal with him without his dad here to see what he does. This child knows he is being disrespectful, and I know it. I love my fiance, and I refuse to let this come between us. I just don't know what to do.

I know what you mean. Last night when I tried to discuss it with his father he told me that we just had to be patient. He also asked me if my SS acted like this when I first met him. I told him no, but its a full year later and the child knows me. He's showing his true colors and knows how far to push! If I could turn off my sensitive abilities it would be easier, but I can't so I'm in a position that he couldn't possibly understand.

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation. Is there anyway you can get through to your fiance? Have you explained how it's making you mentally and physically ill?
Also, you could try a different approach with your SS, maybe find a way to react differently when he misbehaves. If you can find a saying, which really doesn't mean anything, something which would throw him off the fact he's upsetting you.
So are you being left alone with your SS? Because that doesn't seem fair TBH. Another option is speaking calmly to the boy and trying to figure out if something's bothering him, personally, considering you. It's a difficult one, good luck & let us know how you're doing

I do get left alone with him, because both parents are EMT's. It is sometimes necessary. I can speak with the child until I'm blue in the face, but it does no good. I've talked at length with my fiance. He understands my feelings and to some degree, the child's own mother knows how I feel. She's told him that if he continues to act that way, no one will want to be around him. Its just really hard to continue to put up with it. It is a tough situation, but I came into this relationship knowing what the situation was, unfortunately I wasn't aware of how challenging step parenting could be, let alone step parenting with a complex behavior disorder. Ill keep everyone posted. Today was a good day. My two children went to stay with my mother for spring break so I'm looking forward to some much needed alone time and no fighting among the 4 boys. Yay!

Take care, alliegirl. I think it's great that you're also get time to be on your own. It's a pitty that you have to "look" after your SS, simply because the parents are too busy with work etc. Just make sure that they don't abuse the situation. Take care, hun! It's great to be able to "talk" to people who go through similar experiences. (((HUGS)))