BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I adore him, but we barely have a sex life...

My partner and I have been together for over four year. We're both in our early 40's. I've been married before. He was never married nor has he lived with a woman. We have no children.

He has a very low sex drive and it never seems to bother him that we hardly ever have sex (once every month or two. And because it's not often, it's over rather quickly, if you know what I mean. It's terrible and there is no passion). We do, however, kiss lots, hold hands and cuddle. But I rather enjoy sex and always have had a healthy sexual relationship with ex-boyfriends, so it's very confusing to me that he doesn't feel the same way.

We are both attractive and attracted to each other. I love this man as he is such a good person and is adored and respected by the many friends and colleagues he has. Besides the poor sex life, everything else is wonderful. He is supportive, attentive and loving.We make each other laugh, we take care of each other (if one doesn't feel like cooking, the other does. If one of us is sick the other will play nurse, etc.). We have projects together. We have wonderful discussions. We have so many common interests and activities that it's always interesting.

But I'm saddened and frustrated by the sex part. I've mentionned to him many times that perhaps he ought to try counseling (I do, for other reasons, and have mentionned it to my counselor, who recommends I read books or seek relationship counseling). He doesn't think he has a problem, nor does he have the time to go, and blames it on his stressful career. He tells me that all his friends are the same (I don't believe him. I can't imagine he went around doing a survey of his friends' sex life!) I've tried many things but as time goes by, I feel less and less like making love with him, less and less like trying, and my self-esteem and body-image has gone down. I don't feel sexy around him anymore, even though he's always telling me how good I look, and is always full of compliments. I've become self-counscious when we do have our boring quickies...

I've been having sexual dreams of ex-boyfriends and men I don't even know! I never had sexual dreams before I met him. I joke around with him and tell him that I'm going to get myself a lover on the side. He looks at me when I say that, but doesn't really react.

We're getting engaged soon as we really do love each other deeply, but I'm at a loss.
(I told my mother about this, and she thinks I'm lucky! Ha!)

Is there anyone else out there who has this problem? (Usually it's the men who want the sex and the women who are too tired...)

I had to write in response to your post, as I'm in a similar situation, although we've been married for 6 yrs. He is a fantastic husband, does more than his share around the house and is very sweet and caring. Everyone who meets him loves him, and I can see firsthand that he's a much better catch than any of my friends' husbands/boyfriends. We're also attracted to each other, and have no kids to tire us out or whatever. Like many others on here, I can say that after a while being married, the sex does settle down. While I wouldn't describe our marriage as sexless, it is certainly infrequent...twice a month at best. It is great when it happens, but I do often have to initiate it. He always responds quickly, but never initiates sex himself. We are great friends and sometimes I think that's the problem...we're so emotionally connected, almost "cutesy" with each other, that it's almost hard to think of each other as the raw sexual beings that we are. It's also the mind-numbing routine of living with someone, the over-familiarity of things and the fact that you seem to know everything there is to know about each other.

Like you, I have been having sexual fantasies about other men. I haven't acted on any of these, obviously. But I feel like if the opportunity were to present itself...I really don't know. It's just so exciting to be desired and flirted with (this has happened to me a couple of times recently) that it is really tempting. When I think about the fact that it's been almost 9 years since my husband first flirted with me and we got excited about each other...it makes me want that kind of excitement again.

Shnicky,

It sounds like we share a similar relationship, although "It is great when it happens", doesn't apply in my case. Even though he's always been popular with women, he hasn't had that many relationships and therefore I don't think he's ever had the opportunity to develop his sexual experience. I guess some men are naturally gifted in this area, while others have to be taught, or learn through experience.

A friend of his gave him as a gag gift a book entitled She Comes First, by Dr. Ian Kerner, over a year ago. I was secretly thrilled and couldn't wait for him to read it. Of course he's never cracked it open... I've been the "teacher" in certain relationships when I was younger, and I don't want that role again.I thought of it, but it would turn me off from him -- I want to be with a man who knows how to handle a woman in bed. But I guess that's not part of his "package".

Like you, I'm so afraid that one day, if the opportunity presented itself, I would be tempted, simply to get my craving satisfied. I feel awful and sick to even think about this, because I don't want to hurt this wonderful man, but I don't know what to do. Do I resign myself to a lifetime relationship that is otherwise great and fulfilling, but with poor, infrequent sex? Is that fair to me? I was always appalled at unfaithfullness, but now I see how it could happen and I realise that not everything is black and white. Also, I can't imagine being with another man, as he really is exceptional.

Yes! Exactly. I've always hated the idea of cheating, although certainly opportunities have arisen, and will continue to arise in my line of work (I travel a fair amount and always meet new people). I've never cheated in any relationship, and I don't seem to attract cheaters either. Still, I just had another chance this weekend, and in one way I regret not taking it. Even though my husband is also an exceptional and wonderful man, as you say about your fiance, he just doesn't excite me anymore...or at least very often.

I'm intrigued by something you said though, about your fiance being popular with women but having few relationships, and few sexual experiences before you met him. My husband is exactly the same: before we met he was fairly young and inexperienced (he was 25, I was 28) while I had had several long-term relationships. Women do seem to like him, and most of my female friends seem to think he's a great catch, but I think he's in the "nice guy" category, and I wonder if your fiance is the same way? That is, while he is certainly manly, he's isn't the super-attractive take-charge type of manly-man. One of his most attractive traits is undoubtedly his sensitivity, in the sense that he always knows what I'm feeling or thinking, and if I am ever upset he knows how to make me feel better. This is why I say, in terms of our sex life, "it's great when it happens."

My husband and I have talked about it on occasion, and we've tended to dismiss the problem as a consequence of life taking its toll on us: his job is physical and he's often tired, I'm often unwell and too tired, etc. I'm starting to think that we have to have a more serious conversation about spicing things up. I do think that you need to have a chat with your fiance as well, because it's not fair to you to be sexually unfulfilled on a long-term basis. If he really doesn't think it's an issue, doesn't want to go to counselling, etc...I would be cautious. I'm a little concerned that he seems to think it's no big deal, and even says all his friends' relationships are similar.

I know exactly what you mean about dreading the role of "teacher" in this area. Maybe our gender roles are too traditional here, but it seems like both you and I would prefer our men to be more proficient and knowledgeable in this area! Is there any way you could explore new things together as a fun experiment? Like, if you go to a bookstore and browse in the sexuality section, and put a copy of the Kama Sutra or something in his hand? Then it wouldn't be you teaching him, but finding out new things together. If he is really as sweet as he seems from your description, he could in fact learn to be great in bed.

The other thing that just occurred to me is that you mentioned that while you had been married before, he hadn't. Is it possible that he is nervous about getting married? Or was your sex life always like this, and it hasn't changed since you made the decision to get married? What about his stressful job? Have things changed in some way to make him more stressed, or has it always been this way?

Hi Shnicky,

I'm so happy that you're corresponding with me. It's really helpful -- thank you!

[/i]"Women do seem to like him, and most of my female friends seem to think he's a great catch, but I think he's in the "nice guy" category, and I wonder if your fiance is the same way? That is, while he is certainly manly, he's isn't the super-attractive take-charge type of manly-man".[i]

It's hard to say. He is quite good-looking, but of average height and built. He is more into the "gentlemen sports" like tennis, sailing and skiing and has never played hockey, football or baseball (the good side of it is the TV is never turned to sports!). It's hard to describe as he is in a category of his own. He's into cars and can pretty much fix anything (cars, electrical, etc.) He is a doer and is very good with his hands (he is always doing some type of building project or renovating). So he does have those "man" qualities, but he also has this other side. He loves design and architecture (which are my passions as well). That's probably why he's always had so many women friends. The type of guy you can rely on for anything. So I guess, yes, he is "the nice guy". Our men sound quite similar in that they both know what we are thinking and feeling and know how to make us feel better... We're lucky!

"Is it possible that he is nervous about getting married? Or was your sex life always like this, and it hasn't changed since you made the decision to get married? What about his stressful job? Have things changed in some way to make him more stressed, or has it always been this way?"

Nervous about getting married? Maybe a bit, but it has nothing to do with this. He's pretty much been this way since the beginning. At first I thought it was temporary but things never changed.

I took him to a sex shop three years ago and we bought a board game. We played it twice (I have to say it was pretty good). But I pretty much gave up over time as I've always been the initiator and it became a turn-off. He's only inititated sex after I've had a chat with him about our "problem" the night before. I see it coming and I get turned-off. It almost feels like a mercy **** (sorry to be rude). Then it's back to the same old thing. He also has this timing that, on the rare occasion he does actually try, I have my period (which never bothered me in the past, but since we seldom are intimate, I would rather it be when I'm not having it).

I'm glad that you're going to have a conversation with your husband about spicing things up. But I know what you mean about your husband being streesed and tired. My fiance is the same. And I too am often unwell and tired. I also feel that I've addressed this so often before without avail. I guess I should just find a therapist and book an appointnment. I think that when he does present the ring to me, I'm going to say: "Yes, but only if we resolve our intimacy issue". Do you think that's too harsh?

Piscean Goddess,

God, your situation and mind sound very similar. There is definitely something to that, when I have brought it up with him, he'll initiate the next day...but what do I have to do, keep "reminding" him? And he does seem to have the timing thing off, where he initiates it when I'm tired or not in the mood for whatever reason. So when we've talked about it, he says I don't like it when he tries. It is so annoying! I have not tried the sex shop thing yet, but maybe that's an idea. But like your experience, I feel like it would spice things up for a short while, and that's it.

Are you planning to go to therapy on your own? I guess you said he's too busy to make time for it. I don't know...it sounds like he isn't really interested in sex. Which explains why he doesn't think his low libido is a problem.

You face a real conundrum, as you said yourself..."Do I resign myself to a lifetime relationship that is otherwise great and fulfilling, but with poor, infrequent sex? Is that fair to me?" I don't know if anyone can make that decision except you. I definitely think a conditional "yes" to the engagement is in order, if indeed you feel like you could spend your life with this man. But I am concerned that your self esteem and body image are low as a result of the low level of sexual activity. I share your pain here...which is why it is so thrilling to have some random man flirt with me, because it really made me feel sexy and attractive again despite the fact that I've gain ten pounds since I got married! If you already feel a lack of confidence now, I'm worried that you could become depressed after a few years of marriage.

Shnicky, our situations are quite similar (I'm even 3 years older than he is!). Uncanny! I already go to therapy by myself (for reasons other than our relationship) and have discussed it with my therapist. She did suggest books and couple therapy. I think he needs a sex therapist, but I don't want to be too blantant and hurt his feelings.

Late last night he came home after having been gone for five days. He was so happy to see me, and I was so happy to see him, and we hugged and kissed... but nothing else, of course, as he had to be up at 4am to catch an early flight. There always seems to be good reasons...

As for the self-esteem and body image, I too have gained ten pounds since we're together and he has as well (ah... the relationship weight gain!), but it's not really the weight, more the not feeling sexy enough. I too get men who flirt with me, and it does feel good, I must say, but maybe that's what a long-term relationship is all about... I don't know anymore what to believe.

I hope that I don't get depressed either after a few years of marriage. I'm hoping that by then we will have worked on this important issue. Maybe I'll get early menopause and won't want sex anyway! LOL
I want to be optimistic, but I'm afraid. What about you? Do you ever get depressed over this?

Just wanted to point out that for some middle-aged men (starting as early as 30), low testosterone levels are to blame for poor libido. It's a common problem, fairly easy to test & remedy. Also, meds like antidepressants and high blood pressure drugs commonly reduce sex drives. And, diabetes or arthritis or other health conditions do as well.

Other than that, there are nutritional supplements that help, too, like zinc & fish oils.

I highly recommend initiating sex when you want it, too, and/or buying yourself a "marital aid" to use an old-fashioned word.

Thanks Deb! I will look into your suggestions.

I don't get depressed about it actually...on the contrary, I am often so busy and tired that the twice a month schedule has been working okay, because it is actually really good on those occasions. But recently I've felt the need to make some major changes in my life, as I'm coming into a new stage of my career within the next year. I think this is what's spurring me to initiate some kind of change with our sex life as well, though I think it's been a long time coming.

I just think...ok I know this is a marriage forum and we're supposed to be in it for the long haul, but at some point doesn't everyone wonder how realistic it is to sleep with the same person for the rest of their lives? Obviously I'm coming up to the "seven year itch" with my husband (this fall is our 7th anniversary) and it's true that's when you start to wonder these things. Some part of me wants out of the monotony, and wants the exciting life back.