BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

Hey Kristen84: Speaking for myself only, I've spent many, many years in therapy. Tried for years to have a relationship with my family and they just aren't interested. 2 of my brothers are serious alcoholics and 1 is just plain beligerent, plus he is cruel to animals. I use to beg them to come over. I loved my brothers so much and they really could care less about me. I refuse to continue to have a relationship with my mother. I definitely found that I'm much healthier staying away from her. And I'm just as lonely and hurt, if not more so, when I'm around the "family", because I'm contantly being rejected by them and feel like I don't belong there. I got out from under their thumb when I was in my early 20's, thank God! Seems to me carma circled around and bit my mother on the ***. Sux what you have been through. Everyone handles the pain in different ways and what works for one may not work for another.

Hey Beth, What's an intentional community? Never heard of that before. I'll have to look that up. Well, I kind of went the opposite direction. I have a farm with many, many animals and live in a very rural area in S. IL. My husband and I trail ride with our horses and dogs and the care of these animals takes up most of my day. So I'm kind of isolated because of that. I've been trying to find other people to ride with but so far haven't had any luck. My husband's sister and brother ride but I had a problem with his sister a couple of years ago so now I'm being rejected by them. That was a mess and left me deeply hurt. I have a really hard time getting over being **** on when the one who does the wrong doesn't apologize. Anyway, my latest venture is to take one of my dogs to be certified for pet therapy so we can visit retirement homes and hospitals. I also plan to volunteer with the local humane society. My passion since I was a small child (and intensely criticized for) is helping stray dogs recover and find homes. I'm also working as a farrier on the side and have a few customers here. Check out my website: www.hoofmasters.com. Not sure how long it will be up though. For the past 43 months I've been letting an ex-coworker/friend live here (rent free). She put up the website for me. She also came from an abusive family (worse than mine). I guess that was a mistake. She got to where she was yelling at me and putting me down a lot, mostly for not being ready to go or not agreeing with her ideas a couple of times. Finally told her that she needed to be out in a couple of weeks (she found a job thank goodness) after the last incident which involved gravel being thrown on me as she peeled out of my driveway. She took a lot of things that didn't belong to her when she moved (I was out of town). So I expect something not so good to pop up on that web site. <sigh> So now I'm trying to recover from that hurt. She adopted 2 of my dogs and a cat, so I guess I'll never hear about them again. I spent a lot of time and money helping those 2 dogs recover. Well, I know she'll take good care of them, and I'll get over it.

Ooops, that should be 4 months, not 43 months. LOL

Well, looks like she took my website down today. That's nice. I'll have it up and running again before long.

Kristen84,
Welcome to the forums!! I'm glad you found us.

First of all, congratulations on your endeavors to become a child advocate! They are so needed in our judicial system right now.

Regarding therapy, I am a firm believer in victims and survivors entering into therapy. You're right in that it can take some time to find one that you can work with. I am currently in therapy right now and have been for awhile. I am also in the process of dealing with the abuse I went through as a child. I have processed the abuse I went through with my ex-husband, but only now am touching on the child abuse in depth.

As far as seperating from one's family, that is something that is entirely up to the victim and survivor. Each person does what they feel is best for them in their process. For some people, sepertaing themselves from their abusive parents is the only way they can gain the healing that they need. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are sweeping it under the rug. It's important that we understand each other's choices and support one another through the process. I completely understand what you are saying on sweeping it under the rug, because that is what my family has done. However, when a person sweeps it under the rug, they are avoiding the abuse altogether. There are some here that are in therapy, but have also chosen to seperate themselves from their abusive parents and that works for them. I support them in their choices.

Again, welcome to the forum and I'm so glad you found us.

hey your story is sort of like mine.... i have just recently started seeking therapy as i finally gave in and realised i needed it,i have an abusive mother..it didnt start until i was into my teens and met a man older than me(i didnt sleep with him till i was 17)but she insisted i was a whore and i ended up lying to her and severing communication when i was 20 she has turn my whole family exept my dad against me with all of the disgusting lies.i have had 3 children since then and i am expecting my 4th i married the man she was so worried about(i dont know why because she never met him)he is a wonderful father and husband and we love eachother dearly...recently she made contact by letter throwing bulls@@t again i wish she would just leave me alone and get on with her life....does anyone have any advise on what to do(i was beaten and emotionally scarred and it still hurts sometimes)i never want to see or hear from her again

justawoman30,

Welcome to the forum!! So glad you found us here. There are many supportive members here on the forum.

I'm so sorry that your mother is still abusing you in such a way. One thing I would recommend is that when she writes you letters, you can always write "Return to Sender" on the outside of the envelope and give it to the mail carrier. That way, her verbal and emotional abuse doesn't affect you because you're not reading her letters.

I know seperating from family is so terribly difficult to do. But, if it means healing for you, than I think that's a wise choice.

Again, welcome!

That's what I've been doing....RETURN TO SENDER. Last birthday card they sent me was of a babboon giving the middle finger. Every time I feel a little guilty I just take a look at that card which I keep to remind myself of why I shouldn't feel bad for returning anything they send to me.

E4TA,
Good for you! Never feel bad when you return something to your abusers.

Wow,I found myself on this forum after putting up with yet more verbal, emotional and physical abuse from my toxic family. Two days ago an argument erupted and my mother dragged me by the hair. I have one small but very red deep scratch on each arm where she grabbed hold of me first, at least one of them was bleeding. I'm 31, no kids, no boyfriend, few friends at the moment despite many people wanting to be my friend (surprise surprise....) and am staying with them temporarily due to personal circumstances. I'm stunned how many of you feel the exact same way I do. I have no desire to help round the house or do much for them and have often felt guilty about this. Yet, is it really surprising? I get verbal abuse & attitude from my younger brother too, not just from parents, probably because he saw the contempt they treated me with and copies it. If anyone is familiar with Family Guy, the way Meg is treated by the family is how I'm seen here - the most reasonable one is the silenced & mocked one... I was a gifted child and as an adult continue to have a high IQ yet my life has been plagued by bullies to the point that I have not worked since I was 27. After being here for a short while, I now know why this has been happening to me - I have very little self confidence. I believe that nobody else will put up with me because unlike my parents others don't know the real me which is of course unloveable to the extreme. That message has been given to me since I was a little girl. Hardly surprising I don't feel able to make friends/trust the ones I have and my life which should have been successful has been blighted by (mostly female) bullies. It shocks me that even with all the self esteem work I've done on my self since around age 18, I still have so much to do. This thread is wonderful though, really helps validate what I've gone through. I'm currently working on my way out of their home to try to get my life back on track. And to work on the self esteem issues too. God bless you all xxx