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#587210 02/25/10 03:48 PM
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I have been lurking but this is my first post. I saw that there were quite a few people going through problems in their relationship or a separation because their partner has decided that they want kids. I thought I would share my story. About two years ago, I went through a break-up of a 5-year relationship over the same issue. From the start I was clear that I did not want kids and that I didn't see that changing ever. For a while he thought he wanted kids and it was a source of some conflict. However, one day he came to me and said that he had decided that he would rather be with me than have kids. Eventually, during an argument about something else, he said that he had decided that he had to have kids after all and if I didn't want them, it was over. I know there is no way I want a kid and I was not willing to compromise on that issue so he moved out. Whenever the topic of kids had come up, he would alway try to convince me that he would do all the work. However, I really doubted that. He worked in an emergency vet clinic so he worked crazy hours, while I work from home. So, who do you think was really going to be left caring for the baby? Also, he didn't even pull his weight with the pets and he'd do things like promise to care for his cousin's dog for a few weeks while he knew he wouldn't be around much due to work and school. So, I ended up caring for the dog. There is no way either of us could quit working, especially me since I earned more than him. When we were breaking up, we had some talks that were really disturbing. It turns out he never really was okay with no kids, he just said so because he figured I would eventually change my mind. I felt so betrayed and lied to. I was truthful about my feelings, always. Not only did he lie to me, he did not take what I was saying seriously. It seemed like he was just enjoying the ride while it lasted, knowing that if some day I still didn't want kids he was going to bail. He even said that I should have known he would leave eventually if I didn't agree to kids. It makes me wonder what he would have done if I had decided to have a baby and then turned out to be infertile. His main reasoning behind wanting kids was so that they could change the world, which made me lose respect for him. To me that is not a reason to bring another life into this world. In retrospect, there were other issues in our relationship that I now see would have broken us up eventually. For the last 6 months we didn't see each other much as it was due to problems with his whole family of drama queens who didn't like me that much. In the end I was not as much of a priority to him as I should have been. I actually thought about leaving during those last 6 months, but I didn't want to be the mean person who dumped him while his family was going through problems. I thought about what if we had a kid and split up anyways. As a woman, I would have probably ended up with primary custody of a kid I never wanted in the first place, which would have been hell on earth. If not, I would probably end up paying him child support. Once I realized these things, and cut off contact with him, I realized that I was much better off without him. In the end I think he did me a favor. I heard that he also lost his job and had to help out his mom out more because his dad wasn't sending the financial support he promised. That is one big mess I am glad I don't have to deal with anymore. After my realizations, I started to date again and ended up meeting a wonderful childfree man. He had gone through a break-up of a 6 year relationship becaus she decided she wanted kids, so he is very firm in his decision as well. We got married last year and life is so much better. Everyone says I seem so much happier now that I don't have to deal with my ex's family of drama queens. My husband is so much more attentive to my needs than the ex ever was. Since our incomes are closer we are able to take advantage of our childfree lifestyle to travel and do other fun things like meeting friends for dinner. I am not going to deny that I went through some tough times intially. But from the other side, I can say that I am happier and my life is now better for it. I don't have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, when I think, "what if he changes his mind", since my husband is very unlikely to. Also, with my ex I did have some worry that if we didn't have kids and did stay together, he would resent it later and throw it back in my face. Wow, that ended up being long. I hope my experience can help someone who is going through a similar situation.

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isis7 #587216 02/25/10 04:14 PM
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Sounds like your ex was a kid himself - just wanted a playmate. Good for you for sticking to your guns!

Have a happy marriage...........

Nedilya #587234 02/25/10 05:01 PM
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I think it's tough for a lot of us CFers if the people we want to spend the rest of our lives with aren't exactly on the same page as us. I told my husband when he proposed that I had absolutely no plans to have kids (he wasn't shocked), and if he married me he better not expect I might change my mind someday. Without delving into what was many conversations, his final thoughts on the subject were essentially, "Kids, I could take 'em or leave 'em. They would affect your life more than mine, and I just thought I'd have them because that's what people do when they grow up and get married. I don't need them, I just need you." We've even been through 2 accidental pregnancies since we've been married, and subsequently 2 terminated pregnancies (I said I didn't want kids, and I meant it), and we are still going strong. However, I'll admit that it's always in the back of my mind that he could just up and one day say, "Changed my mind. Decided I have to have kids to be happy," which may as well be the equivalent of saying, "We are getting divorced." Granted, I never get the inclination that he has any desire to have kids. Like me, he tends to try to avoid them, citing "Take Your Child to Work Day" as the "the longest, most irritating day of my life." He also doesn't seem to care much for spending time with our nieces and nephews, and I never see him looking longingly at babies. And yet, when someone asks us why were aren't going to have kids, he replies, "D doesn't want them." It's an accurate statement, never said with even a hint of sadness or passive-agressiveness. I tell myself that, and for the most part believe it... but, it still hits my heart with a pang of fear each time. What I wouldn't give to hear him say, just once, "We don't want kids." Just to know for sure this really is the life he wants, and not just one he was forced to choose if he wanted to be with me. What I wouldn't give.

Dolyn #587273 02/25/10 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Dolyn
What I wouldn't give to hear him say, just once, "We don't want kids." Just to know for sure this really is the life he wants, and not just one he was forced to choose if he wanted to be with me. What I wouldn't give.

Hi Dolyn, I'm at that point with my husband. The other day my father asked (in front of the entire family) when it was going to be our "turn" (even though he knows I dont want kids) and my husband replied, almost yelling: "G doesn't want any! Ever!!" I was like...grrr..how I wish he would have said "we don't want kids". It would have been music to my ears.

Isis, thank you for your story. I am with a man that might want kids someday, so the idea of possibly divorcing one day because of our different views is very real...and scary. But I've decided it is worth staying with him and see what happens. If he does decide he wants kids after all, I will wish him all the best in life and happiness and to make beautiful babies. I will not regret having stayed with him b/c right now he brings me so much happiness and he is "the one" that took a lifetime to find. But something tells me he doesn't want kids either - I hope I'm right.

I wish you a good long-lasting marriage and enjoy all the perks that comes with being CF! There is not a day that goes by that I don't appreciate my CF life!!

Last edited by gullivera; 02/25/10 07:25 PM.
isis7 #587308 02/26/10 01:12 AM
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hey, good for you for being true to yourself! Shame on your ex the only good thing is that he cleared the way for your true soul mate to come along:)

missyT #587333 02/26/10 10:21 AM
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Nedilya - You said it! I think he was too immature to really handle being a dad. I think he was just idealizing playing with the kid and the other fun times, without acknowledging the hard work and expense involved. misstalia - There are times where I get mad at myself for staying as long as I did, for not being more truthful to myself about the other problems in the relationship. However, if things had not happened in the time frame that they did, I probably would have never met my husband. Intersting that he ended it and then later I think he sensed I was seeing someone and he got all weird and semi-stalkerish, harrasing my friends to try and get them to tell him if I was dating, etc. I guess maybe in the end he had some regrets, or he would rather know that I was shut up in the house crying over him rather than getting on with my life. That is another example of his lack of maturity as well. Again, it shows he really didn't know me, since I am not one to dwell over the past for too long. If someone doesn't want to be with me, then I accept it and move on. It is almost like he didn't realize that if he broke up with me, he had no control over my reaction to the situation. He wanted to try and be the good guy that remained friends with his poor, dumped ex, but things got too nasty at the end for that to ever happen.

isis7 #587487 02/26/10 02:48 PM
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I consider myself so, so lucky that when I found the right person he felt the same way I did. People I dated in the past went along with it while they were with me but they all have kids now. Thank goodness you were strong enough to stand firm. It's not like buying a coat that you don't love where you can just cram it in the back of the closet and forget about it. Once it's done it's done. It's a serious decision and if you don't want it, you don't want it. That's it. I guess since so many people don't feel the way we do it's impossible for them to relate or take us seriously. The part about wanting kids to "change the world" made me laugh a bit. It's great to have high expectations for yourself but realistically, how many people have kids who end up changing the world? It seems like a huge ego on his part thinking he'll produce the next Einstein, lol.

isis7 #587696 02/27/10 10:31 PM
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Great post! Thanks so much for sharing!

Ellavemia #588565 03/03/10 12:34 PM
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Ellavemia - The buying a coat analogy, I used something similar with a cousin of the ex who tried to convince me that I didn't know if I liked having a kid unless I tried it. When I responded by asking, "and if I try it and don't like it can I return it, like a sweater?" She had nothing to say to counter this. Her own kid was a result of failed birth control and she had constant problems with the kid's dad due to them becoming parents really young. Not really a good example that is going to convince me to just go on and have a kid. Then, after we split, another cousin said, "why wouldn't you be willing to just have one kid?" As if that is not going to disrupt my life at all. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Having a kid to change the world, yeah, that was just a stupid thing to say. I told him that if he is so concerned with changing the world, he should work on doing that himself, not have a kid that is born with that expectation. It's not like you can order a kid that is going to be the next Einstein, and given that some of his family members were ignorant asses, who knows how a kid would have turned out.

Last edited by isis7; 03/03/10 12:37 PM.

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