BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Parent stereotyping by CF's

First off I haven't seen any of these stereotypes on this particular forum. But being CF until my mid thirties, I've visited some other forums, and still have a great deal of respect for the movement that says hey, having a child is a choice, not a right. But I am curious about some of these stereotypes, and wonder if anyone has any insight. 1) Why does being a mom=being an obese, unkempt, poorly dressed, unhygienic slob who has ceased to care about herself? I don't wish to take the time for makeup, and have a casual outside of the home job, and probably should have taken better care of myself when I was younger, but I don't quite fit the stereotype of the woman who never lost weight after the baby and really doesn't take time for doctor, dental, haircut, replacing worn clothes type of maintenance. Why does being a nursing mother = wet, stained clothes? Aren't some of these folks aware of a panty liner type product available on the open market, only round for a brassiere, that's designed around this need? 2) Why does being a dad=being totally neglected by his wife, maybe with stereotype of a mom #1 whose secretly fooling around with someone else? 3) Why oh why does EVERY SINGLE BABY born to a woman in her mid/late thirties or 40's ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO be a Mongoloid? Check a source book by Heidi Murkoff about pregnancy after 35. She cites statistics of most actual Downs' Syndrome babies born to women BEFORE this target age and not having any other risk factors, like previous family history. Should women under 35 not get pregnant either? Again, I haven't seen these ideas on this particular site, I'm enjoying it so far, but it seems so many other posters on CF sites don't want to be stereotyped about their life choices, yet they want to do that to others with no limits, particularly moms. Anyone have any ideas?

Interesting post! It's funny there are people who perpetuate stereotypes and people who disprove them. I have friends who the moment they met someone stopped taking pride in their appearance (which I wouldn't appreciate if my partner did this..lol). I also have friends with several kids that look as good as they did when they were teens. maybe the parental stereotyping is a defense mechanism. It's hard sometimes as a CFC not to be on the defense.

I'm guilty of vocalizing about that stereotype, but it's not because I think every mother looks "mommish" or in other words, has let herself go. I know plenty of women with kids who care about themselves, look gorgeous and still make time to love their partners, have personal time, etc. It's because those types of women are the first and loudest to tell me off about my choice to be child free. Those are the ones coming at me with their figurative pitchforks, so those are the ones I go after in defense.

Another question: Why do so many child free's require a declaration of "pro choice" for others to consider themselves CF? For the longest time in my life I didn't want kids...single, not in an appropriate relationship, wasn't sure I wanted the 24/7 responsibility, yet I've always only been a supporter of abortion rights on a limited level, like birth defects that aren't survivable, or a mother who may not survive a pregnancy. My experience with "pro choice" obstetricians where I live is they're only "pro choice" if you submit to the tests THEY want you to and make the choices THEY would, that is to abort a child deemed defective. If you want to opt out of this invasive testing, or don't believe in abortion, or hold out hope of having a healthy baby, they don't want that. I just found out the keyboard player in a cult band I used to listen to in the '80's, Taxxi, died from sickle cell disease. Per some of these folks' logic, his mom should have, as a black woman, been forced to undergo amnio to see if there were two sickle cell genes, then forced to abort this child. Never mind that he derived a lot of enjoyment in life from photography, bass and keyboard playing, singing backup vocals, he was defective and shouldn't have been given a chance at life per some of these peoples' thinking. Check out www.youtube.com for any of this group's videos. His sister's tribute to him should be in the comments section of most of the videos. Why do some CF's consider pro-life or at least limited abortion rights individuals to be a misfit?

Good question. I guess because if you really, truly do not want a child and you accidentally get pregnant, you'd probably like to have the choice to abort. Maybe you would choose not to abort, but the choice would be yours. Just like you want to choose whether or not you'll remain CF.

I can't think of any pro-choice people I have ever encountered who would support a woman being forced to have prenatal tests or abort a foetus with a disability. Perhaps there is more than one stereotype circulating.

ok, maybe it is the long hours I have had to work around tax time that have fried my brain because I am a tad confused with the content of this post. I also think I sustained whiplash when the post went from sterotypes to pro-choice.

spacecase,
did some CF person call you an unkept, slob mom with stained clothes? what made you think CF people think moms are unattractive? I see women everyone who are beautiful moms. as a CF person person, I will toss my two scents in say I try not to judge people soley on their appearance. judge a book by its cover and you may miss out on a great read. but I suppose I wouldn't wear lacey, fancy tops anymore if I thought they would get spit-up stains. I probably would opt for other easy to wash clothing. perhaps moms are just being practical there.

I have never heard of a forced abortion but I have seen articles where pregnant women were handed court orders to have c-sections against their will.

I am pro-choice though I have never had to exercise that right. I believe every woman is entitled to make that choice. it doesn't matter whether the mothers health is at risk, they were raped or birth control failed. women are not simply fetal incubators.

I have never heard such a thing, really. I used to know a CF woman who was against abortion and who was taking the pill and didn't tell her partner so that he didn't stop using a condom. Still, I guess if you don't want to have a child no matter what, you like to have an option for the worst case scenario. There are CFs against abortion for sure, BTW in the "I hate being a mom" thread, there are a couple of posts from women who were CF, got pregnant, were against abortion and, well, now they are not CF anymore (sorry I was a little sarcastic, I'm sure some are happy enough and don't have to write in that kind of forum)

I don't understand at all what you mean about obstetricians. They are pro choice only if you want to have an abortion? Sorry, now I am not being sarcastic, English is not my native language.

OK, as I said before, some of these stereotypes circulate on other CF boards. One I would prefer not to name as some of these members come here occasionally even though they openly disapprove of its content. Why they do this I don't know but they do. One site shut down due to infighting, although they reopened under a different name until the mod remarried. Another was a mailing list whose more polite members "unsubbed". I still check out these sites because I enjoy the intelligent posts that are there, but it still seems moms (not necessarily myself as I don't scan photos online) are seen as dirty, unhygienic, hubby probably sneaking around as someone else, etc. This other website, whose members sometimes peruse here, had a comment that "pro life doesn't belong as a term here." OK, I guess there's no diversity of thought on that site, but on others pro lifers have been attacked as "anti woman, forced birth", etc. Pro choice physicians of the variety I described you would have to be in my state of residence to observe. One woman in her 40's, who had a perfectly healthy baby, was told "You have to get rid of him. He'll never be normal. You'll die because of your heart disease." She didn't follow advice, and the child is a perfectly healthy 10 year old. Another woman I know who didn't want amniocentesis, a very painful invasive test, was asked "Why?". If it was just me or one person, or one MD, I would write it off as one bad experience, but the attitude where I live is very pro eugenics, pro death. Mr. Space was actually told by a co-worker one of his nephews was "better off dead", as he was pre-mature and "would have lived a miserable life with complications anyway." A little boy who died of cancer locally was termed "better off dead." The stereotype of CF against pro life is something I have seen on a multitude of other boards...again not this one...and the attitude of physicians and others is particular to where I live.

All the moms I know have it all together actually. Perfectly groomed all the time. I don't understand it because here I am, the one without kids and without much responsibility except for grad school, and I'm the one with the out-grown haircut, the cat hair ALL OVER my clothes, stains on my shirts, no make-up, old jeans, a t-shirt or sweatshirt splattered with paint, shoes that I've had for at least 10 years. I went to dinner with some friends (all moms), and I looked like they had picked me up off the street, while they all looked like fashion plates.

I like to think that when they are at home, they look like me though. But I doubt it.

Gosh, I sound like such a slob, don't I? I did get my hair cut yesterday. That's a start, right?