BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I know I would be an abusive parent

I love this forum because so many people are so honest about their feeling on not having kids, or if they have had them, but regret it. It is so hard to be honest with others and in some ways, more so with ourselves. This is the only place that I feel I can share something that I have figured out about myself.

I am 35 yrs old, happily married for 14 years and thank goodness my husband doesn't want kids either. This is amazing since we unfortunately didn't really discuss the topic before we got married. We knew we didn't want kids right away, but it wasn't until we had been married 5 years or so that I really started to think about whether or not I wanted kids. It was just always assumed that we would have them. You know how it is, grow up, get married, have a family. I really struggled with the whole topic for a few years. I know many of you have felt like I did. "What is wrong with me?" It seems like everyone else I knew wanted kids or had them already and I felt so alone in how I was feeling. I felt like I couldn't really talk to anyone about what I was going through.

Part of this was because if I did talk to friends or my Mom about it, they would ask why I didn't want kids. I would go through reasons like, "I love to travel and I don't want to give that up." "My marriage is perfect the way it is and we don't feel we need kids to add to it." "I like my peace and quiet." " I like my freedom to do what I want, when I want." Of course, as many of you know, this led to people saying I was selfish, It would be different when they were mine etc... The thing is, I didn't feel selfish. I would volunteer in my community, I babysat for friends so they could have a break, helped people with financial help when needed.

Anyway, I really started to think about and I realized that I just didn't want kids. I had absolutely no desire to have them. This forum helped me realize that it is okay to not want them and that not everyone is meant to have kids. Thank you for that!!!

Well, besides not wanting kids, I realized that I would probably be an abusive parent. Has anyone else dealt with this issue? The reason I know is because I don't do well with stress, or being tired, which we know is a given with having kids. You might be wondering how I know this. Well here is the incident that happened yesterday that made me feel absolutely horrible, and I still do.

I absolutely love animals, especially dogs. More importantly, I love my dog more than anything. He is such a cute dog with such a great personality and he is great company while my husband is gone (either working long hours or deployed). My dog has already had a few major surgeries. Hip surgery and intestinal surgery. With the intestinal surgery, he got some of his rope bone stuck in his intestine and he almost died. Yesterday he found a sock and ate 1/3 of it. So I forced hydrogen peroxide (will make dogs throw up) down his throat with a syringe and waited for him to throw up. Well, 20 minutes later he still hadn't vomitted. So I tried forcing some more peroxide down and he refused to swallow it. I was so upset and stressed that he might not throw up and would need surgery again (and could possible die) that I yelled at him and hit him. As soon as I did, I burst into tears and felt so horrible. How could I have hit him when I love him so much? And I know the damage that can be done to him emotionally by having done that. I just can't believe I did that. The only good things was that I think it scared him enough that he did throw up. Thank goodness he did because not only did he have the sock he chewed, but he had also eaten a hair scrunchy that I didn't even know about.

I realized in that moment that I could never be a Mom. If I love my dog as much as I do and still end up hurting him, I know I would abuse my child. Especially since I can't handle crying, whining, misbehaving etc... There are so many things about kids that spin me up that there is no way I should have any.

I know this post is long, sorry. I just needed a place to write this. I know that if I told anyone the real reason I don't want kids, they would be horrified. I know, because I am horrified myself. The only good thing to come of this is that I know I shouldn't have kids and will hopefully be taking permanent measures to make sure I don't have any. Does anyone else feel like this about themselves?

Thanks for listening and for being there. This is such a great forum and I know I would be lost without it!

doglover: I can relate to this. Don't be too hard on yourself, just try to be more conscious of staying calm around your dog. Walk away for a few minutes if you have to.

I went through the same thing. I raised my dogs two years ago pretty much by myself. I got them at 7 weeks old (2 yellow labs) and they nearly killed me. I was exhausted and stressed out. I have been told that raising babies is easier than raising puppies, but I don't buy it. At least I could put my puppies in their crate and leave the house if I needed to.

There were times that my frustration got taken out on the dogs, and I was horrified and upset with myself afterwards. I never beat my dogs or made them cry out in pain, but there were a few times when I whacked my dogs and I really shouldn't have. My female is very submissive and I am sure I had a hand in making her that way, literally. I am much better now and the dogs are great. My female dog is better than she used to be with being nervous.

The bottom line is this.....I am the same as you in that I don't always manage stress and fatigue very well. I can't function, let alone try to manage a living thing when I am strung out. I know that about myself, and even more so now that I raised my dogs. I realized with the utmost clarity that it was best that I did not have children because they very well may have suffered at my hands for my stress, and that is not something I would want to subject a child to.

I went through the feeling of being "weird" for not wanting to have children, and I also suffered people's comments about being selfish for the choice I made. Having a family is still pretty much the norm out there, and it seems that us CF women are still a minority and not understood by those that want children. Hopefully in time that will change.

Making the choice to be CF is a self-LESS, responsible, adult decision that should be respected as such. It doesn't matter the reasons why we've made this choice.

I completely understand where you're coming from. In January, we had a very sick ferret (he ended up passing away in his sleep) who wouldn't eat and had to be syringe fed. Towards the end, his hind legs were paralyzed and he was unable to use the litter box so we ended up having to bathe him regularly and do extra loads of laundry to clean his soiled blankets and bedding. Unfortunately, do this day we still have no idea what made him so ill. My husband and I almost went crazy trying to take of him. We had a fight or two and there were plenty of tears. At least we weren't sleep deprived, but we were still plenty stressed out and worried. It didn't take us long to see the parallels between this and level of care a baby needs, and it really hit home that NOT having kids is definitely the best thing for us! Our little fur ball was only sick for about 3-4 weeks. I can't imagine having to provide that kind of care for months on end. It would completely drive me around the bend!

Oh doglover, I almost cried reading your post. I have a rescue dog who was clearly abused in the past. About a year ago she was running along the fence in the backyard, barking at someone in the next yard. I kept telling her to come, and she was just completely ignoring me. I was SO frustrated, I stormed out into the yard and got in her path, and when she ran by me, I raised my hand to smack her on the butt. She stopped dead in her tracks, winced, tucked her tail, and cried a tiny little cry. Then she averted her gaze and just stood there and cowered. All of this before I even lowered my hand! Of course I didn't hit her in the end, but to this day, I feel terrible when I think about it. And writing this all out has brought me to tears. Anyway, try not to beat yourself up over it. All parents (including doggie parents) make mistakes, and your little guy still loves you and wants to make you happy. Dogs are so forgiving, it almost makes us humans feel worse! So yes, I totally get where you're coming from. When our first response is to strike out, how do we know if we can stop ourselves when it is a baby/child? It scares me.

Hi Doglover, I never had a dog but I had a kitten last year and unfortunately I didn't have the patience to raise it. I wanted to teach her not to get in my bed, or bother me when I was eating, or just "behave"....I know, you can't control a cat, they control you right? Anyway, she was very active and drove me nuts (eating paper, dropping pictures, objects, scratching me, jumping on chairs, tables, wanting to play all the time, etc) and after a few months I couldn't take it anymore and gave her away. I felt and still feel bad about it, like I failed her, when she was the most adorable kitten and ppl that saw her fell in love with her. They couldn't believe I gave her away, especially when there was NOTHING wrong with her...it was me!

Of course by then I was in my last step to realize that I would never have kids, and that experience just confirmed it. I kept thinking, "thank God I can give her away; I cannot get a refund if I don't like my kid"...When she was gone, I was immediately relieved to have found my peace and quiet, my independence, my freedom again.

I'm ashamed to admit that on one occasion I did slap her on her bum, and felt so bad right after it. So to keep me from harming her further and to give her a better life by living with someone that would love and have the patience to raise her, I gave her away. But a kid? Can you give away a kid that drives you nuts? But I still think about my kitten once in a while and miss her so much!!!

I have lots of dogs and do understand the frustration that comes with the territory.

All the letters on this post, however, just make me so appreciative of how mature and caring and self-LESS childfree people are! How many parents ever think about how they might treat their children before they have them? You are all a great bunch of people!

Hi All- It made me feel so much better to read these posts. I get impatient with my 2 kitties every now and then- mostly when the boy cat wakes me up at 7am to feed him- he's hyperthyroid and needs a pill twice a day and won't let us pill him, so we crush it in food. Usually he lets me go back to bed for an hour. Imagine if it were a baby having to be fed every single day! I lost a dear kitty 2 years ago to kidney failure- sub Q fluids twice a day (holding her down, sticking her with a needle, and listening to her cry), and watching her be so sick and miserable at the end. That was hard enough to do when I wasn't stressed and sleep deprived because of a baby. If I did have a child at the time, I might have done something completely horrid like putting her to sleep when we first found out she was in renal failure (and they can live years after that). I was so glad I was able to give her my full attention and take care of her- we kept her alive for 5 years! I just want to live my life, enjoy my wondeful, loving kitties while getting sleep, keeping myself healthy, and doing what I love to do with my career. There won't be babies because of me, but I will save many loving pets that wouldn't have had a chance if I weren't there and willing to adopt and love them. No one will ever convince me that I'm a selfish person.

Doglover,

I too have had to use peroxide to make my dog throw up. you cant leave nothing on the table or counters in my house cause that sniffer will find it!

anywho, waiting is so hard and you freak out. believe me, I have shook with fear wondering if the chocolate she got into will harm her. Luckily I have not had to use it since she became 4, but I have found that after you give them peroxide if you get them to run for a couple minutes, it shakes up the peroxide for quicker results. last time, it only took 5 minutes.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post and for making feel not quite so bad. It helps to know that others understand.
4Ferrets- I am so sorry to hear about your furry little ones passing away. I know how tough it is to lose a pet.
VirgoGirl- I am also sorry to hear that your kitty passed away. It sounds like you did everything you could to help her.
HeretoTalk and Cassie67-Thanks for understanding the frustration that comes with owning a pet and for not being too hard on me. Thank goodness my dog is so sweet and forgiving and I know he still loves me.
Gullivera-It sounds like you made the right decision in giving up your kitty if you felt you couldn't take care of her. I know it was a tough decision, but you did what was right for her.

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate what all of you said and for sharing your experiences. It really helped me feel not quite so bad and to realize that yes, I am human, and I make mistakes. But hopefully I won't make the same mistake again. Thanks again for everything. You women are all wonderful!!!

Doglover, I guess I'm a little late in getting to this post. I can definitely relate to how you feel. I've been pretty lucky with my dog when it comes to good behavior, but I have needed to spank her (lightly) on occassion when she doesn't cooperate with me. And she still loves me and my husband more than anything else in the world! So don't feel bad ;-).

Being married for nine years now w/ no kids, I struggled for a long time with the kids question, although I have never really wanted to be a mother. I remember once in a ladies Bible class at church, the teacher mentioned that women were made to be mothers because of their natural instinct to nurture. I had a very difficult time with this message, since I have never had a strong urge to be nurturing. I have spent so many years setting and chasing professional goals that I really don't have a place to nurture another human being, except for my husband (which is easy because he's a mature adult). Some women would call me cold as ice, but that's the kind of person I am and what makes me want to wake up every morning. Given this, I finally realized that maybe a person like me is not destined to be a mother, that maybe God has other plans for me.

So don't feel like you are alone. There's a few others like you and me out there!