BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids we both dont want kids but he wont marry

Hi All... Love this forum but have not posted anything until now. I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year we both do not want kids, both very well matched in the values/politics department... in short everything has been great its been a dream. But, I recently had a talk with him telling him how I felt about relationships getting serious in the future and he basically told me he does not "believe" in the institution of marriage, that his love is what I should look at not a piece of paper, that he doesnt understand the reason for it if there arent any kids... a million different reasons. I am pretty sad to hear that because I do in fact need and long for the committment of marriage... maybe not in spite of but because I do not want children he would be my "family". And i want it legally recognized. I want to feel like I belong to someone. So I told him that I would give him another year to think about and maybe change his mind on this issue as it is a deal breaker for me. But now I am just pretty sad about the whole thing. Now instead of feeling like our love growing in my mind it is kinda like, hang back and see... :( its been a definate blow. Im just putting it out there if anyone had similar challenges and if so how they were resolved? thanks.

I haven't had a similar situation (though I envy you and your DH and the fact that you agree on the baby thing). But a question or two: Do you trust this man? Is he already committed to you (like Ben Affleck in He's Just Not That Into You) and just doesn't need the piece of paper? Has he stated why he feels the way he does? What about you? Are you afraid he'll leave if that "piece of paper" isn't signed and stamped? It doesn't mean all that much these days to some, as I'm sure you've seen. Plenty of our friends who took the plunge didn't last 2 years!

Hey Virgo girl thanks for responding... I KNOW this man loves me, it is like Ben Afleck... but for me... well marriage is more than just a piece of paper, it is legal union including helping each other sharing insurances, wills, retirements, living wills issues, the whole shebang. Plus being called someone's wife.. well I guess I am just a romantic at heart. I do not think I can be girlfriend forever. Its just to weird for me. The marriage is not about fear of loss and I know that it can end anytime but something about it says family to me. Its just not something Im going to be able to get over... I hope only that he will ponder and reconsider. If not it ends.... boo :( honestly if he had kids from a previous marriage while not GREAT I could compromise more on that than this.

I definitely believe this is a deal breaker and I agree with both sides here.

He has his views on marriage and you have yours. You both have different needs and desires in life and if a partner cannot reach them, then I believe they shouldn't be together. Same as with children. These issues, to me, cannot be negotiated unless one person gives in and that can sometimes create a life of resentment in one partner.

If you need marriage, then I think you should have marriage. And if he cannot give it to you for whatever reason, then I understand you're walking away and I surely wouldn't think you were wrong for it. Your reasons and feelings are valid just as his are. If you both cannot compromise, then it can't work.

I never wanted marriage. I guess you can say I was the type of person who could either take it or leave it. In my mind, I thought more like your boyfriend. It mattered more to me how a person treated me. My husband on the other hand, felt exactly as you do. Marriage was a priority for him and I understood where he was coming from.
Eventually after dating, living together and being engaged for 3 years, we married. I was happy to give him that. His happiness made me happy in return. And I knew that even if we weren't married, the commitment would be the same and I was in it for the long run. We've been married for a little more than a year now.

Marriage has not changed our commitment and it hasn't ruined us. We are even stronger today than we were back 3 years ago. I wouldn't change anything. I am happy and I'm glad that I decided to marry my husband. But then, this is my experience. I know not everyone will feel as I do.

I hope you both can work things out. But I also hope you both don't force each other into something you both aren't willing to give. Best of luck to you both.