BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What's up with all the baby-obsessed men? - Rant!!

Sorry if I play the devil's advocate here, but there are also guys out there, who want to have children, not because they are selfish and inconsiderate, but because, well, they really want them, just as many women out there want them too (women to whom, as some of you may know, I can't relate, but as it seems they are everywhere) ). Of course men will not be able to carry the initial physical burden, but they can change diapers, wake up in the middle of the night to feed a bottle, read stories, play silly games, go to doctor's appointments etc. I know, because I am married to one of those guys, (otherwise I wouldn't have gone through an unwanted pregnancy)
Some people may be able to adjust his/her life expectations to the child-free situation, I guess, but others fall in love and forget the baby issue, or set it aside, or hope for a change and then, with the passing of the years, it becomes an issue again. As it has already been told in other threads, the baby issue does not disappear. If people are not honest about it (to each other and to themselves) from the beginning of the relationship, it can turn into bitterness and spite later with the mentality: "you took my dream/wish/plan to have children away from me!".

It is a very sad thing though, that there are men/ women out there who have to suffer the consequences of these changes of heart, but I wanted to raise my voice for the nice, selfless, responsible guys out there.

In spite of my situation, I do know that there are good, loving, family men out there who do their share and then some. I know some of them personally and it really tugs at my heartstrings to watch them just being "fathers".

Like I have said in earlier posts, if the man I married had been responsible and mature and totally focused on having a family, I probably would have had one or two children with him.

Thanks for the post, solalux. My husband is one of those guys, I know it for sure. But it doesn't change the fact that it's more than likely I would lose him as a best friend when a baby entered the picture, and that's what's so hard. There would be a power shift, and bye-bye, equal partnership. So I would change, he would change, and the great marriage would be gone. So then there would be a semi-wanted child, and a semi-wanted marriage. Yikes! I guess it takes more than a wonderful man who would be a great father. I just have to keep telling myself that it's ok to feel that way, because I feel like that should make me want kids.

About the mid-life crisis thing- My husband's parents divorced this year after 40 years of marriage. We suspect his father has Asperger's syndrome (a mild form of autism where there is no emotional involvement or support, and no intimacy and a lot of neglect), which does not make a good prognosis for a successful marriage. That's when DH started talking about kids. He said his family is falling apart and he wants to "do it right." *sigh*

Eeeeeek! That's what my husband said too. He had a bad childhood and because of it he wants to "do it right".

Do these guys want to live again vicariously through their kids???

Oh my goodness Cassie- I'm doomed! I'm doomed! We are living parallel lives!

I'm laughing only because it sure beats crying right now.

It sure does look like we are living parallel lives.... I don't wish my situation on anyone, but evidently it is more common than I ever could have imagined.

Cassie- Thank you so much for being you. You have helped me more than you will ever know. You have given me the strength to stick to my guns and make the choice that is right for me, even in the face of losing my wonderful husband. I am not this way, but I will throw it out there because I may need it down the road to survive: To be extremely cold and clinical about it, humans are creatures of habit. After a year or two of my husband not being around, I WILL be ok because I will be out of the habit of being with him. I may even find someone else who doesn't want kids, makes a decent buck and wants to travel around the world with me. Or follow me wherever I get a singing gig. Or just not do anything and stay home and sleep in on Saturdays. And he'll tell me I rock his world and that I'm all he will ever need. But even if I don't find this, I'll still be OK. My life won't be empty because I'll find 1000 things to fill it with and 20 friends to share it with. No more awkward moments where I'm wondering what DH is feeling whenever a baby commercial comes on. No more "talking about it," even though we both know deep down there is no compromise. You know, life after my husband (if I do lose him) looks to be not so bad. So let's call this some good psychological preparation for the hypothetical. Have a great day, girls! Love you all!

VirgoGirl: Thank you too for just being you

I am the one who needs the psychological preparation for the real deal, and your post is helping me to cope with my real life drama. I just have to keep drumming into myself that "I will be ok".

As much as I still care about my husband, there are things about him and our situation that I will not miss when I am back on my own. I certainly won't miss those terrible times when during our conversations I'd feel like a horrible person or very inadequate because I refused to give my husband babies.

We shouldn't have to give away ourselves just to make our husbands happy.

Cassie and Virgo Girl - You are both such strong and loving women - your husbands would be crazy to give you up! However, it can and does happen - I have been divorced for over 10 years now. In many ways my life is so much better now. It was so hard the first few years - my income was only half of what his was. Even though he paid me spousal support, it was difficult. It wasn't until I got called back on Active Duty (I am a Reservist), that my financial fortunes really improved. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive and loving. I enjoy being back on Active Duty and have had an opportunity to travel and have met some incredibly wonderful new friends. I know now that I can make it on my own, and that I will be OK, no matter what happens. However, I have not really dated nor had another relationship since I was married. Not that I haven't had opportunities - it just seems that all the men I meet that are interested in me are either married or otherwise attached (and I will not go there!) or live far away, or are really too young (30's LOL). There aren't that many eligible men around in my age range (I'm 54), but I would definitey not be adverse to dating someone up to about 10 years younger. I don't regret spending so much time being unattached - it has given me time and space to really know myself better, and to create the kind of life I want for myself, with no complications from a man who wants to impose his will upon me. I would like to meet a nice man to spend time with, but he will have to be really special, because I will not go there again for just anyone! However, sometimes I worry that I have waited too long, and have become too independent!