BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Making headway (somewhat)

I brought up the kids subject with my boyfriend of 2 years again. He didn't say much like always-just that he wants to "teach something". I bit my tongue from saying "teach the cat to stay out of the trash". He always says its up to me to decide. During sex last night, he starts asking: "do you think I wouldn't be a good dad?, Do you want me to change something?" etc. I stopped sex immediately as I felt this was the wrong time and place to discuss kids. At midnight he said " so you pretty much are against kids, your crushing my dream. When were you going to tell me your decision?" etc. This came as a complete shock because in the 5 years that we have known each other, he has never mentioned this. He just figured that if he treated me really well-which he does (he takes out the trash and is a dream husband)then I would want to reproduce with him. I said that he would be a great father but I personally don't want to be responsible for kids. He knows my stance on kids but acts like I now just told him. Yet he says I mean everything to him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think about whether or not to have kids 24/7 and have thought about it for the past 4 years. I should be thinking about how to better my life and how to handle certain situations at work etc. I know he will want an answer someday though. We both work farming 6-7 days a week, 10 or 12 hour days. There is no room for a kid unless I quit my job but he thinks it will work out somehow but I have yet to hear real solutions or reasons for kids. I mean who will take care of the kid from age birth-5, who is going to take it to appointments, events, school etc? Our jobs are wage only-no vacation, sick, holiday days off. You do personal errands on Sundays only and no one covers for you at work (you work sits until you get back). So until I get some answers, I am sticking to a "no". I know this is probably the beginning to many conversations.

Hi aw21 - You say in the beginning of your post that this guy is your boyfriend. I hope you don't plan to marry him unless this all gets worked out first. It concerns me that he said you are "crushing my dream", because that statement does not make me feel like the idea of having children will go away for him, whether he loves you or not. It will eventually come down to you either giving in or he will look elsewhere to get "his dream". I've spent 19 yrs with my husband, 16 yrs of which were in a marriage with him. I have poured out my story here on several threads in case you don't already know about me. My husband's dream never went away even though he tried to be happy without having children. We will be divorcing very soon because of this. I am still in love with him and he says he still loves me (but still being "in love" with me I am not so sure about), but it is just not enough for him. My advice to you is to make sure that the both of you are on the same page in regards to having a family before making your commitment permanent. If it is right for you to be CF then stick to your guns. If having children is a dream for your man, then he may need to find someone else who shares his life's goals and desire to have children. If it is that important to him then it won't go away with time, and it will become a source of pain in your relationship down the road. I wish you well. Good luck to you.

I agree with Cassie - don't get married until you have sorted out the kid issue. Had my husband known that I wouldn't want children down the road, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have married me. Now he's stuck with this dilemma that I "created" and I feel guilty sometimes for putting stress in my marriage that otherwise is pretty good.

If your bf really wants kids, it won't go away just because you don't want to, even if he says the opposite now. It is up to you to play psychologist and see if he really means it. If he decides to be cf just for you, years down the road he can become bitter and hold a grudge against you, which would put stress in your relationship. The best would be to let him decide freely what he wants, and then you make YOUR decisions based on that. Good luck!

I'm in the same situation. My DH knew my feelings when we got married but has changed his mind after 7 years. If your bf is bringing things up like this and calling you a "dreamcrusher," this is not the best indicator of how things are going to proceed. My dh is saying that he won't leave, but he is saying that it will be hard to get over if we don't have kids. My advice is to read the posts of people who had kids after they weren't sure they wanted to. Solalux has a great one (she decided to have a baby for her husband) called "When it's too late, it gets worse"). Don't have a baby if you don't want one!