BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Venting on the mom-in-law

My mother-in-law moved in about 6 months for a 4 month stay. She has no where else to go - but she is driving me batty. We have a small house so we gave up our bedroom for her, allowing our son and daughter to remain in their rooms. We sleep on the floor (concrete I might add) in the family room. She complains about everything and causes so much drama - I actually fear for my relationship with my husband - we've just got back together 11 months ago after being apart for 10 years (yup I said 10 years). He keeps saying that it's temporary and I should not let her come between so much we've worked so hard to get back - but my eye is twitching...I hate coming home...She says she hates it here (constantly) but makes no attempt to leave. Now she's gotten even worse at trying to tell us what to, like we're kids. She's walking around slamming doors and her dog has c#@ped all over my house and instead of using a carpet shampooer to clean it up - she uses my kitchen broom -what the heck!!! anyway - I can go on and on -I think I just needed to vent for just a second.
Thanks for listening.

Why is she staying so long when she says she hates it? That's what I would ask her. She is welcomed to return to her own place, isn't she?

Your husband is right. Do not let her come between you two, but that means the two of you need to team up and scoot her out the door! Say something like, "Mom, it's obvious you're not happy here so we think it's time to go back home. We'll help you pack tonight and be happy to drive you tomorrow. Besides, this will be so good for (your husband) because sleeping on the hard floor is ruining his back!"

Let your DH know that your intimate lives are suffering and it's important for your health and relationship to have private time together in your own bedroom.

Does she have a home of her own?

Unfortunately she lost her home. She went to stay with her other son 1st, and they kicked her out after 6 months - pretty much for the same reason. Now she has NO WHERE else to go. She is staying rent free and is supposed to be saving money, but the Home Shopping Network is getting most of it. She's on a fixed income and receives about 900 (after some deduction) from SS, and went out last weekend and bought a $500 lap top.

He knows...I feel bad because it's his mom and of course the good son that he is, bad back and all :-)is trying to talk to her and keep the peace.

Last night, when he was at work she and I started to argue - over stupid stuff. I told her that my mom did not intrude in our business. She called me a liar and said that she knows for certain that I talk to my mother about the intimate details of my marrriage (which if she knew my mother, my mother in law would know better)... I asked her based on what - she said "reality" I told her that was HER reality any way it carried on to the point where I walked out of the house - drove about 50 miles away. The ONLY reason that I came back is because I only had my drivers license (because for some reason I had put it in my pocket after being in a store earlier in the day) and my keys. No cell phone, no credit/debit cards to get gas and I had left the crazy woman home with the kids.

He took her away this morning to where she used to live and her deceased husband is buried so that she can visit friends (not that she has many left) - hoping it will calm her down. He is doing this on his 2 days off (from working 2 jobs) he is driving her 400 miles away to give me a chance to relax in peace.

The kids and I are having a BLAST today!!!

Ohhh, nooo. What a tough situation for everyone. You know, for someone in her position, she should be minding her p's and q's.

Rent free is fine but buying junk instead of saving?!? Looks like she has no intention of leaving her new cushy situation!

I feel for your husband because he is in between a rock and a hard place. It's his mother, after all. But it is now his responsibility to communicate things with her and make it clear that she needs to find a new living situation as soon as possible. That living with you was never meant to be a permanent situation. You are happy to help her save up but she needs to:

1. Start looking for roommates.
2. Consider retirement homes.

Living with you all is not an option for one main reason: it is clear that she is unhappy with you and vice versa. Don't go down a list and nit-pick over every little reason. She'll only argue her point.

Bottom line is that to maintain a happy family, everyone needs her own nest. Can't have two hens in one nest without a pecking order. It's your nest. Help her find her own.

Insist on this: follow your house rules or find her own nest!

How old is she? If she doesn't qualify for senior assistance, she can find roommates in the same situation and bunk with two or three other gals like the Golden Girls and be quite happy.

Good luck!

Thank you!! She is in her early 60's. Vibrant when she wants to be. But she gets more attention when she is putting on a performance for my husband. My kids and I watch her run up and down the steps all day...once he gets home - she moans and groans. oy vay...:-)
She doesn't want to move into any senior places, assisted living places, or even an apartment...she wants another house. Her reality is somewhat skewed.
You pegged it - why leave when she can make everyone miserable and live rent free, all the electricity, gas, cable tv, food...free...
I tell you it's a soap opera every single day!!!
Thank you for understanding...and for listening to me...

Hi Dianne,

Your DH needs to step up to the plate here and tell her firmly that while he loves her dearly, staying with you all permanently is not a good option. He must say that he will help her find another solution by a certain date (Put a deadline on it. Preferably way before Mother's Day.) And have him get his brother in on the planning. She is his problem, too!

A house is ok but she'll need roommates. And a rented house. She can't expect to purchase one or have you purchase one for her.

Don't give up on this. There is too much at stake and if you wait until you're ready to explode, bridges will be burned.

Convince your husband to do something now before bad bad things happen.

Hi Chi,
Thanks so much for your caring and concern...They did get back last night from their weekend trip and here it is over 24 hours later...and she has not uttered a word to me, even when I said hi.

Hubby and I are having a talk tonight, in fact I'm waiting for him to get home from work right now. I wish the brother would help but he kicked her out and they have not spoken since.
Mother's Day? I was thinking like Feb 1st. which might be too harsh since it's in the middle of the winter and all.

I hate to make him choose but it's quickly coming to that.

I'll keep you posted!!!

Hope everything went well last night! Please keep us posted!

Also, just a suggestion but maybe you or your DH can have a talk with his brother. After all, he was successful in getting her out.

OR OR OR...

Maybe you can try a different tactic. Do you think you can sit her down for a heart-to-heart talk? It might be hard at first but the underlying emotion that is spurring all of her resentment and anger is probably fear. Fear and hurt.

Every mother wants to know that her children will always love her. No mother wants to be replaced by a daughter-in-law even though it is part of the life process. A mother can't provide what a wife can. There is room for both of you in a man's life.

If you can get her to see that life in your home can be sweet and wonderful as long as you all get along, then you welcome it. But as long as things are unharmonious, it can't stay this way!

In other words, "shape up or ship out" but you are giving her a opportunity to get along.

Been there and venting helps...I use to dream of sitting her down and giving her a list of rules....I never did but it used to make me laugh.

Actually as of today...I officially give up. She's won. He works nights so the two of them are together all day. He is asleep by the time I get home and wakes up in just enough time to go to work. Listening to the things he has said recently about my attitude and how she's a guest in the house. He has done a complete 180. I give up because I can't fight it and just don't want to. She has taken my decorations down and put her's up so I was going behind her and putting my stuff back...so that too is supposedly making her feel unwanted.
My kids are so mad at her AND their dad for taking her side now EVERY time. She is tearing my household apart. I can't win because then she plays the "I'm so sick" card and lays up in her room with her "fake" seizures. Even the doctort think she has a mental problem.
I can hear her talking about it with her friends on the phone. The laundry room is right under the bed room and she's up there giggling about how we're arguing...etc...I give up because she has his ear now so if I say ANYTHING I'm automatically the bad guy. I just can't do this anymore. Half the time I don't even feel like coming home.
Just a short month ago he was willing to get her to move out if it would save my sanity. Now, it seems like they want ME to leave. Funny though - ladies, good news. This house is in MY name.
I know there are two sides to every story and maybe something about me is making her hate me...but if every single person she has ever lived with (except her husband when he was alive) is now mad at her then it can't be all me...can it?