BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Obessively thinking about my choice

I'm 29 and been together with my husband for a little over 5 years now. This summer we had a heartbreaking debate about children. After long thought I decided I definitely don't want children. We had a lot of discussion and cries about it but he finally decided he'd rather stay with my with no kids, than seperate. He would like a family if the circumstances were right, and with me they are not and he claims to be okay with this. Since then I've been very very (very) anxious about our relationship. I feel there's a ticking time-bomb in my life waiting to go off (meaning, he will realise he does want kids and leave me). I sometimes talk to him about this, but don't want to trigger something with him he isn't even thinking about. He thinks he'll be okay without kids as long as we keep planning for other things in our life (like opening our own business in the future). For a few months everything settled down, but since a few weeks I'm thinking about this again all the time. I'm almost going crazy. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up. On TV there's only babies, around me only babies, and now my sister-in-law says she wants to be pregnant by the end of the year. What if this triggers him in wanting a child too? Seeing his brother with a newborn baby? Should I trust my husband (yes, of course I should) in his saying he intends to stay with me? And how do I stop thinking about this 24/7? Thanks for listening and any advise you can give me.

[quote=margaretha9899]Should I trust my husband (yes, of course I should) in his saying he intends to stay with me? And how do I stop thinking about this 24/7?[/quote] Obviously you know what you [i]should[/i] do. Knowing [i]how[/i] to do it, well, take a look at the self-help section of a bookstore, and you'll see why people make millions giving other people instructions for how to live their lives. It's not so easy to figure out what steps to take to not drive yourself crazy! I struggle myself, though I have to say I'm envious of your position, because our situation is different. I am very unsure of how I feel about kids, but my husband definitely wants them. He brought the subject up this summer, and since then, I have kinda been trying to give him a sense of what that new reality would mean. More laundry, more bills, more doctor's appointments, etc. In fact, I told him he had to arrange for the dogs to get their vet visits in December. Of COURSE he ran out of time because he was so busy at work, and I ended up having to take them. Without being nasty or pointing fingers, I just said to him, "It's little things like these that make me concerned about us having another person in the house to care for." So while I keep reminding him (and myself) of how much our lives would have to change, I don't know how long he'll go without bringing it up again, which I guess is the part of your post I can relate to. The only difference is that I am pretty sure he WILL raise the topic again at some point. So I understand your feeling like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess my advice would be to be relieved that he agrees with you, and don't worry about the future. Enjoy the present. Huh. Sounds like my book wouldn't make millions, right? :) Best of luck to you. Keep posting here -- that has helped me.

Thanks for you advice. I'll try not to worry so much :-) I also which you the best of luck with your decision. Maybe if you talk with your husband about his expectations you can get a better picture of what your lives would look like if you do decide to have a child. Does he expect you to take care of the baby alone or is he willing to work less to help out?

Hi Margaretha, at least your husband told you that he rather stay with you with no kids than separate. Mine hasn't told me anything! So like you, I think about it often, like will he decide he wants kids and leave me? I suggest you trust your instincts and observe him closely. There's no way of knowing for SURE what they want really want, but you can have a pretty good idea I say. There's no point in obssessing about it 24/7, it will make you imagine things and you'll lose touch with reality. I think the best to do is TRUST your husband and enjoy his company in the present time. Do not pressure him in any way and if you are meant to be together you will stay together no matter what. Best of luck!

No, I think he fully expects to share parenting. It's just that he has no idea what that involves. I know I would not make a good stay-at-home-mom, but I don't think he has any clue how many hours a day it takes to raise a kid. Even if we figure out daycare, there is the getting the kid up and ready in the morning, fed, packed, etc, getting them to daycare, picking them up, dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. And that is just a regular day. How would we fit in doctor's appointments, unplanned sicknesses/injuries, free time, sleeping in, etc? He is a typical man (I think) about this and kinda just sees the big picture (I want to be a father and enjoy the life experience) and I see the details.

Hi HereToTalk, You're mentioning a lot of the day-2-day stuff, but I think ultimately the feeling has to be right. If you're fully on board about having a child then all the other things won't be such a bother. Let your heart speak :-) After a week or so without worrying I'm still thinking a lot about our future. We are buying a new house this year and I'm very afraid that he will leave me when he realizes down the line he wants a family desperately. Feeling anxious all the time now...

margaretha: One thing you said is really what counts here...."Let your heart speak". You are right about the "feeling" having to be right. For me, I had maternal urges now and then during the 16 yrs of my marriage (my husband has always wanted kids and now I am almost 43) but the "feeling" never overwhelmed me to where I really HAD to have them. I dealt with an immature and irresponsible husband all these years and we have always had financial problems. With all I had to contend with just managing my husband (people joke to me that I raised HIM!) there just was no "feeling" in my heart to bring children into the mess that is our lives. I knew it was coming, but this morning I got a lovely parting gift from my husband on his way out to work. He said, "The marshall will be here at 10am to serve you the papers". For divorce, of course. He plans on going out after work as well so he won't be home for dinner. As much as I wish I could have saved this marriage by giving him a baby and making him happy, I had to listen to my heart which told me "no way". As much as it hurts me to lose the man I love, I have to be true to myself. All of us women have to be true to ourselves, and our hearts and souls should be the guiding force in our lives, not the influence of a man or anyone else.

Cassie67 -- not to hijack, but I was married to an immature, self-absorbed and irresponsible person as well. I can't explain how happy I am that we never had children, although he hinted that he would become more responsible if he were a father. I can't speak for you, but I know I would have been left holding the bag -- a bag I never wanted in the first place! Although I loved him, he was incapable of loving me back due to addiction and the aforementioned issues. I'm much happier now and am dating someone who puts the same amount of energy into the relationship that I do, which feels like a gift after what I endured. Right now is the worst, but I suspect things will get better than you can imagine.

Back to the issue -- I sometimes have the same fears. I'm the first CF person my boyfriend has dated, as he didn't know we existed. He figured he'd "have" to have kids someday to satisfy a partner and was initially elated to no longer have that looming. Sometimes though, he muses about parenting. It's scary for me, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. He has to come to this decision the same way everyone else does.

bassgrrl: I had to laugh. You are not hijacking....not at all. LOL!!! I actually find comfort and validation when someone comes forward that has gone through what I am going through right now. Thank you for sharing your story. It does feel like I am in a horrible place right now as I watch my marriage crumble right before my eyes. I guess we can't help who we fall in love with, especially when we are young (and you can bet I will be more careful the next time around!), but it will be nice not to have to keep reeling my husband back in after he has done something really stupid. That job is over for me. I have been a caretaker of his needs for far too long, and in the process I have neglected myself for many years. When I finally started to live for myself a few years ago and I acquired two horses, something that I have wanted all of my life, my husband became jealous and resentful, instead of seeing how much peace and joy they brought into my life and being happy for me. The horses are not the only pets I have, and he feels that if I didn't have the pets then my maternal urges could be put towards child rearing, not to mention all the money that would be able to go to that cause as well. I just raised 2 yellow lab puppies from 7 weeks old to 2 yrs old at this point, and HE was the one who wanted the dogs in the first place so I gave in, thinking it was only fair because I have had all the pets I ever wanted while being married to him. I have done over 90% of the work in raising the dogs that HE wanted, and I am sure it would have been the same way if we had brought children into this world. My husband wants the fun and the "Kodak moments" but he doesn't concern himself all that much with the amount of work involved. The sad part for me is that the dogs are more mine than his and I love them dearly. I will suffer more heartbreak when I leave them and move across the country this year to go live with my family. I can't take the dogs with me and I am sure my husband would never hand them over to me right now anyway. I will be losing a lot this year, but I have to believe that in time things will get better, and a strong, fantastic guy is out there just waiting for me. Thank you for your words of support, bassgrrl.

"Me too" on much of your post! The living for yourself thing is going to help you so much now. Having things to enjoy helps take away some of the pain. And you can use your caretaker skills on yourself.

It will get better. Even if you're the most detached person in the world, living with someone who sends negativity your way is draining at the very least.

Thanks for the kind words and hang in there!