BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 45, MARRIED, PREGNANT BUT DON'T WANT KIDS

well, i never thought i'd be in this situation but here i am, almost 8 weeks pregnant and feeling completely lost. i wanted kids when i was younger but not at this age. my husband is 48 and already has a 14 year old from a previous relationship. i really want to get an abortion but am terrified that it will be a terrible/traumatic experience. from all i've read, not one story of a person who had an abortion and is OK with it. the few people who know i'm pregnant tell me to think about it because it's a miracle i got pregnant at all and that if i terminate it is my last chance. i really think I'm OK with that because i nothing about having a baby appeals to me. there's so much i still want to do/experience and it does not include having a baby in tow. yet i feel a tremendous about of guilt because i am in a loving relationship, we have jobs, a house, insurance, etc... and yes, i'm getting therapy. want to make sure i do all i can to make the best decision for all of us yet i'm tormented beyond beleif... i know no one can tell me what to do, but if there's anyone out there that may be facing something similar or has been in such a situation please let me know. or does anyone know someone who's had an abortion and is OK with it???

thanks for your reply... it may be hard for you to understand because you say that you can't imagine not wanting children and that's the whole point! i don't want to have a child and believe that it may be worse to bring an unwanted kid into a world that is already full of children without parents. shouldn't he/she deserves to be wanted? is is right to bring an unwanted child into this crazy overpopulated world?? that's my dilemma - i do cherish life and feel bad about having gotten pregnant yet i know where i stand regarding children and am afraid of not being the parent i think a child deserves. then i would be part of the problem, not the solution. and thanks for the prayers...

sandrake, you say: from all i've read, not one story of a person who had an abortion and is OK with it.
Take a look at this web: www.imnotsorry.net. There are people out there who had abortions, and they know they did the right thing and feel no remorse. It is just not politically correct: being devastated is the price you have to pay for doing something a lot of people see as morally wrong.
I don't want to encourage anyone to go and have an abortion at all. You know yourself better than anyone. You know better how bad you feel about having a child, you know what your moral stand about abortion is. But if you see NOTHING positive about having a child, do not do or stop doing something just because you think everybody else is so and so.
I was brutally honest about not wanting children since age 8, and what I got back 99% of the time was disbelief or rude comments like "you will change your mind", "you will regret it" "that is selfish". And then I found this forum, and it turns out there are people out there who definitively don't want any children but will tell others that they are not ready, or that they are going to wait a couple of years just to get the pressure off of themselves, to avoid being judged or hearing importunate remarks. Even suggestions of infertility!
People are different. People don't talk about things that know will put them in uncomfortable situations. And saying that you are glad and relieved you had an abortion would put you in one of those situations.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I was in the same situation (I was 34). I didn't have an abortion though. My husband wanted the child, and, in addition, after so much outside pressure I started thinking I must be abnormal not to want a child with the man I loved, and I ended up thinking I had to "grow up" and be like everybody else. Then when he was born and I didn't fall in love at all, I felt even more abnormal because "everybody" falls in love when they see their little faces. And again, you can look for the thread "I hate being a mom" here in the moms forum and voila, it turns out that is not true either. It is just something you don't discuss over coffee.


Hope you find the answer in your heart. I wish you all the best.

Solalux, thank you for posting the link to that helpful website!

Sandrake - I feel for you. I'm 40, married, chosen to be child free and have also wondered what would happen if an "accident" happened. I have at times doubted my decision not to have children but ultimately feel that if I wanted a child I wouldn't have so many looming questions. I really think you need to listen to your heart on this one. Therapists can be great and I think that if you're truly honest (and have a good therapist) that you will do what is right for you. Emphasis on what is right for you. You sound like a very introspective woman and I think you should be fair to yourself and not judge yourself. It's your decision and no one else's. Remember that. It's too easy to let others influence our decisions so please try not to fall into that trap. It is a trap. There's a reason why you've gotten to age 45 and not had a child. I'll keep you in my thoughts - and I hope that you'll be true to yourself. Just be honest with yourself. Going your own way takes courage and I wish you nothing but the best.

thank you so much - all of you... as soon as i finish typing this note i am going to check out that website. yes, the pressure is/has been incredible. and Solalux, you hit it on the head - i too am feeling 'abnormal' for not being happy about the pregnancy and not wanting children. i've been told that there are plenty of women who'd love to be in my position, so how can i be feeling this way??? after all what could be more 'normal'??? it's the most natural thing in the world, right? i am lucky to have a good therapist who has been telling me that there is no 'normal'. each one of us is unique and we have to forge our own paths. i just need to figure out which fork in the road to take and be OK with it... i desperately want to make the right decision and don't want to be haunted by it the rest of my life. it's crazy that there are only 2 choices and from where i'm sitting it looks like a lose/lose, at least right now it seems that way. I am so trying to be honest with myself - it's very messy in my head right now and my heart aches so much... thank you again for your wise and helpful words of wisdom...

My opinion is the individuals who regret the decision are far more vocal than those who are ok with it. I was an abortion counselor in the late 90s and found the vast majority of women gave the decision a lot of thought before coming in for the procedure. The most common feeling afterward was relief. Let yourself come to a decision without the input of others.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Hey Sandrake, This situation is very stressful, but you should do what YOU want. I had an abortion, and at the time I felt pretty alone in my decision, but that was for the best, because I know it was my own. Now looking back, after I made the decision, lots of friends volunteered to be there for me during the procedure, the staff was very nice, even the women in the waitng room were supportive. I have never regretted my decision, and have been meaning to contribute to Imnotsorry.net myself. Just be careful who you tell about the pregnancy until you decide, because sometimes well-meaning people can put you through the most hell. It's just more pressure, and that's the last thing you need right now. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best.

I had one when I was 19. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) agreed with my decision and was very supportive. It was not traumatic for me because it was what I wanted, and I was in control of my situation. The only thing that sucked is that the D&C really hurt physically. I was relieved when it was done, which I'm told is more common than guilt. I suppose I felt guilty for not feeling guilty! 17 years later, I still do not want children, and probably never will. My husband has changed his mind, which puts a wrench in things, but this is my cross to bear. The point is that the answer to your question is yes, there are women who have had them and are fine with it. Don't let fear stop you from doing what is right for you. I consider raising a child a prison sentence, so being a Mom is definitely not right for me. In my mind, what I did was far more selfless than bringing a child into this world who was anything less than 100% wanted and loved. Peace and love as you make this very difficult decision. But know that you will be OK, whatever you decide.