BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hubbie changed his mind and wants kids

Hi Virgogirl, You have the exact opposite problem I have. We couldn't conceive so after the dust settled from infertility treatments, I BEGGED my husband to adopt a child. He was totally against it and we fought about it for a number of years. I acquiesced to his wishes and four years later, I harbor a bitter resentment against him. I believe that he should have stepped up to the plate to make me happy and he didn't. Ironically, on Mother's day this year he told me he changed his mind and was ready to adopt. I told him it was too late and I am too old now. There is a big difference in the adoption world from 42 to 47 and by the time we did get a child, i would be 50! It is asking A LOT from a spouse, especially when you sound as if you are quite content in your present situation. Try to flash forward and see how this might impact your relationship 5, 10, 25 years from now. I think he might hold it against you and like me become indignant about your choice. It is very hard for me to tell you that because I firmly believe that people shouldn't be forced to do anything they don't want to do. But please think through the consequences. Also, I hate to inform you but at 36 you possibly don't have time to put it off. For most people fertility drops drastically over 35- for men and women.

sillyputty, your advice causes me some concern. If Virgogirl has a baby to avoid her husband's resentment, then *she* might end up resenting *him*. By then there is a baby involved, and it is 1000% more difficult than it is for you and your husband with no child complicating the issue.

Wow, thanks *tee-hee*! I'm glad I could help. Really. VirgoGirl, it depends at what times he plays and under what circumstances. If he's like MY husband, he plays FOR FUN yes (as do I from time to time), but for the most part...Eh, how do I say? Simply put, he watches tv and plays games because there's no mound of sand around to bury his ostrich head under. Ya get me? *lol* If that's the case with your man, I'd see that as a bad sign for the future to come, your future w/him I mean (ESPECIALLY if you decide to give him a child). I'm curious as to how he copes with EXISTING "grown-up" responsibilities? Is he too quick to retreat to WoW? Or does he use it as a tool to simply procrastinate what needs to be done(which, IMO is equally bad)? It's causing ME a considerable amount of stress and strain to put up with, and that goes DOUBLE for dealing with it with a smile("smile" a loosely used term *lol*). I thought spouses were supposed to be EQUAL PARTNERS??? THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ONE! Sometimes I feel like he's become HIS OWN CHILD and therefore forfeits his right to ask me to give him any *LMAO*! Cause in a sense, I'm ALREADY a "mommy" *rolls eyes*

Some of sillyputty's story underscores what I've already said: It's one party conceding to the other(a desire the 1st party doesn't share and finds disagreeable), which down the line is going to inevitably cause problems, period. Although sillyputty, I find your logic a little crooked: Here you give warning of what consequences might arrive in the relationship several+ years down the road about her standing firm in her choice to not have a kid....Yeah, uh...HereToTalk's right, the former scenario IS 1000x better than the latter scenario: which is taking on the consequences of bringing a child into the world when you weren't really all that crazy about the idea in the 1st place. And it's all the more an unbearable idea when you're DOING so for the APPROVAL of ANOTHER PERSON??? With ALL the incidents of "bebbydadies" fertilizing then bouncing from chick to chick, or couples splitting up and children being left to go adrift, ALL AROUND YOU for....how many years? This isn't a new trend. With all these LIVING EXAMPLES that occur all around us EVERYDAY, ppl STILL have the notion that the addition of children can serve as a magical glue that holds and bonds couples together. Aint that effing rich??? Say, sillyputty, tell me...WHAT would you think of the possibility of VirgoGirl taking your advice and having a child to please her husband to, a few years down the line, only to hear him say that maybe he changed his mind??? That, maybe having a kid wasn't such a good idea after all? WHAT WOULD you advise her to do THEN? And don't say it's an unlikely possibility: it's something that happens much more often than any parent has the courage to admit. How else would you explain all the neglected/abandoned children in OUR society alone? And the kids who are subject to abuse as parents take the regret of their "bad decision" out on them(ranging anywhere from physical to emotional harm?)This is not to say I believe VirgoGirl would be a child abuser, this is to say that having a child because of pressure, coersion (or in typical cases, lack of preparation, experience or even INTEREST), the kid is usually the one to suffer the most down the line in one way or another. They may be HELLA brats, but they're not stupid. They can sense when their parents aren't happy w/them around. And since they're champions into turning just about anything into something about them (in this case, blame), that just compounds the trauma...It all leads back to that old saying "It's better to regret NOT having kids than it is to regret HAVING THEM".

CactusHeart- Yep, you pretty much described my hubbie. He's always on WOW. Can we go to see a show? Or downtown to the opera, maybe? I love him dearly, and when I ask, he does help out. But I always have to ask. He is a sit on the couch and watch TV kinda guy, and I'm not content at rest and contemplative. I like to get up and go and do, do, DO! I'm always buzzing around. Despite what he says about helping me shoulder the load of raising a baby, I KNOW I will be stuck with most of the work because I'm the Mom. I was even thinking of going back and getting my PhD and going for a college job, something I can tell he is not excited about because it would eat up my remaining fertile years. He says he won't leave me and he only wants a baby because he's with me. But I could see his being sad and resentful after a while. But I think he has no idea how hard it will be. He says it won't be as easy as he thinks or as hard as I think. But everybody I've talked to says they had no idea how hard it really is. And what if something happens to him? He gets sick or dies? I would want to kill myself if I were stuck with a baby I wasn't sure I wanted in the first place, and the whole reason I had it is gone forever. I'd be miserable.

CactusHeart: You're right on the money, starting with your post on 1/6. Holy cow! You know my story already. My husband held out waiting for me to change MY mind, but I was honest with him for 15 yrs about not wanting kids, and why should I want them? I already raised HIM!!! Things won't go his way so we're divorcing. For all the reasons you mentioned, I still don't want any kids!

Wow CactusHeart - Great post! This really is a tough place to be in. Fortunately for me, it wasn't my situation but a friend of mine years ago. She made clear that she didn't want kids and neither did her husband, at least she thought. However, after much "pressure" from husband, family, and so-called friends, she gave up who she really was to become a mother to his child. End result: Divorce, and she gave him custody of the child. The whole family was devastated and she felt horrible. It was a real darned if you do, darned if you don't situation. But it would have been much better for her had she stuck to her guns, ended the marriage, and moved on. Yes, she still would have been on "other people's" poop list, but at least she would not have involved another person (the child) in the whole mess. It might sound selfish, but it's really not, you can't live your life for other people because if you do, you're going to be miserable and it usually doesn't end well anyway. Furthermore, it's wrong of other people (no matter who they are) to expect someone to live, be or do what THEY think is right. Her family and friends all contributed to the ultimate destruction of that family by poking their noses where it didn't belong, as well as her husband for forcing her to change for his benefit. You have to be true to yourself.

UPDATE:I'm divorced now! *lol* I sent his couch-potato butt back to live with his parents (whom he tells me are driving him crazy *LOL*). They were driving me crazy too, both of them...but especially the mother, with her "subtle" unspoken hints on grandchildren when she can't even get a handle on or make sense of her OWN life (WTF?)!! Living with them was making me absolutely lose my mind so I had to move out (doing nearly ALL the planning and work AS USUAL *rolls eyes* )and he came along with me for about 6 months or so until I couldn't go on with him anymore. It was really painful, I'm still too much of a mess to be ready to date, I'm REALLY, REALLY suffering financially, but I had to do it. I'll leave it at that. Explaining any further would be too long a story... I hope he finds a chick who's happy staying at home all day long, never likes to go out (except for when it's to see a movie HE wants to see), who lives for doting on his every need and who will get as fat as he likes her to get (something else I refused to do) and who's happy crapping out as many kids as he can handle (which, knowing him, ONE will ALREADY be TOO MUCH *lol*)...But before any of that can happen, first he has to stop trying to get me back *lmao* Dogmomonly: I'm a VETERAN "poop-lister"... in many areas of life and the world, this is the biggest, but it doesn't phase me . BTW, glad you appreciated my posts, ladies. Glad I could help >;.)

CactusHeart, if anyone can survive and rise above a divorce over children, it's you! I've enjoyed your latest posts immensely, love it how you dish it out straight and no BS!!! Keep on keeping on, girl, you will triumph! And please keep posting. :)