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#508822 04/04/09 10:48 AM
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I want to say a thing or two about abuse.

My articles in the article section, and most of my discussions here, do not focus on abuse. I realize that a lot of divorces occur due to abuse, but I don't address it because it goes out of my field of expertise.

My goals with the forum, and with the articles are to address typical normal people who are going through a horrible life transition, divorce. There is no horrible abuse, no child molesting, nothing like that going on in the cases that I am addressing.

While I will answer questions about these issues here, and try to send you to the appropriate place for guidance, I can't really help you with something so serious as abuse.

I can listen, as can the forum members, but something like abuse is a serious issue better dealt with by local professionals.

Please, if you're being abused, tell someone close to you.

Even if you're not ready to divorce your spouse, tell people about the abuse.

If you do want to leave gather evidence, pictures, witnesses and if needed call the police or go to a shelter. Protect yourself and your children by going to a local professional to help you deal with this.

Do not keep quiet.

The worst thing that you could do is never tell anyone, then try to divorce and tell then because you may not be believed.

Due to the amount of people out there who lie about these issues at the time of the divorce you're automatically suspect if you've never brought it up until you're in the midst of a divorce.

In a court of law you must have proof with any accusation, the courts cannot believe you just because you said so. Seek to get that proof so that you can protect yourself and your children. If you make accusations without proof, the worst could happen - you could end up losing your children to the abuser.

My best to everyone of you who may be going through something this horrible but you can help yourself. There are places that you can go for help. Look in your phone book and call the local crises center, get someone near you to help you. There is nothing wrong with asking for and receiving help.




Last edited by Stephanie L Watson; 04/05/09 12:21 AM.

Stephanie Watson
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I would like to back Stephanie up here.

We have a Domestic Violence site here at BellaOnline. You can find that forum here:
Domestic Violence Forum

We ask each editor to try and keep their topics from overlapping onto another editor's area. So Stephanie deals with "regular" divorce issues, while Jeanette deals with Domestic Violence issues.

I realize that these two issues do overlap at times, but our editors are volunteers - NOT paid professionals. They cannot be expected to cover or know every legal issue at a given moment.

Please know that we are here to give advice, support, and be a safe place for you to come and let it out during these tough times. But when it comes to the actual divorce, you must use the counsel of your attorney - as that professional will have all the information pertinent to your state and your specific case.

Thank you,
Michelle Taylor,
Launch Training Manager, BellaOnline.com


Michelle Taylor
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Maybe I just need to spout off a little bit. I am not, nor have I ever been married to an abusive man. I am married to the most wonderful, loving man on earth. My daughter is the one going through a divorce from a man who literally beat the [censored] out of her and enjoyed slamming her head against walls, furniture, anything close by. If it was just her going through the divorce, it wouldn't be that hard. But she has a little boy who turned 3 in January. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband is fighting her with every last breath in his body for custody of that sweet, innocent little boy - a little boy who no longer looks upon him as his father (with good reason). My daughter and grandson are both seeing counselors as a result of the way he treated them. And the husband has a history of mental instability. I just don't understand why the court system in Ohio is so insistent upon the father's rights to see his child when he refuses to pay child support and it obviously has detrimental effects on the child. Some days I would really like to throttle some judges. I will say, though, that she has a fantastic attorney who is fighting for her all the way.

I don't know if it is just that way in Ohio. He is the bad one and sometimes it seems as though the courts cater to him and take forever to get things done, even when it is an emergency situation.

As I said, I probably just needed to spout off a bit. If anyone has gone through any similar situations, some words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for listening.

Lisa Binion
Natural Living Editor

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Lisa

A young lady very close to me is also experiencing a lot of abuse. Our courts aren't set up for this, and they fail miserably. There are a lot of nonprofit groups probably near you that can offer tons of support and actual help to you, your daughter, and grandson. I am so very, very sorry you're going through this. I wish I could do more than listen. But I am always here to listen.


Stephanie Watson
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I was in an abused marriage. When, my mom found me, I had only hrs left to live. It took two surgeries and lots of prayers from my family to survive what he did to me. I filed for divorce. My judge ( who never married ) didn't believe in divorces. He even wanted to stop my divorce, because my lawyer got married and had a different last name, than at the beginning of the proceedings. It took alot of argueing from my lawyer, but in the end he did grant it. But, he wouldn't grant me a personal protection order. He said women abuse PPOs. It seems like yesterday, but it happened 4 yrs. ago. And now I am getting married to a very good man. Your daughtor will get thru this. Trust me!

Last edited by bobbosgirl; 06/09/09 10:44 PM.
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Stephanie,
Your advice above was right on the mark! Thank you for your very wise words to those that are being abused.

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Well I must tell you, There has been many changes over the years and there are SO MANY options out there now that never were before. I was also in an abusive marriage back in the 80s and there was practically no help back then..... even when the neighbors 4 houses down called the cops on a regular basis, they would just tell me - "Well if it is so bad then pack and leave..." I was 1300 miles away from any family with 2 small children under the age of 5. I had no job, no car and no money- that was his way of controlling me. He beat me bad enough to cause me to loose a baby in my 2nd trimester, put me in the hospital because he ripped out my stitches when he lifted me and slammed me against the wall- I just had surgery for cancer and would burn me with his cigars when he was high. There are options now that I would love to share; For anyone who may need to seek out a place to live, there is the VAWA (violence against woman act). No matter what the credit status is or if there are domestic calls on a criminal report- the VAWA act protects victims and the landlord/property manager must assist you in obtaining an apartment. I know this because I am a property manager and have helped MANY women obtain an apartment that were in shelters.


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I too was abused in my marriage. I left several times and went back over the past 13 years. He blames me for everything. I have made mistakes and so has he and thats why are marriage is over But he seems to think I need my a** kicked because Im to blame. He would tell me that he only hits me sometimes or only when I make him mad, its not that bad and I would think yea, its not that bad, then years and years later it never changed and I would get hit worse and called awful names. Once we were seperated I had a male friend who i went to HS with and would help me with my car when it broke down and bought milk when I needed it. Yea I knew he liked me but I wasnt ready for a relationship but I liked his friendship. This friend never tried to kiss me or anything. He knew what I was going through. He respected that. We were friends in HS and we still are. When my estranged husband found out, that was just more fuel to the fire. Then one day he was drunk and I said something he didnt like, he had his hands around my neck choking me in front of my kids. That's when I knew this had to change. But it doesnt make it any easier for me or my kids. They miss thier dad and Im struggling to pay the bills. He will call me horrible names and an adulterer. That hurts alot so he is verbally abusing me now. I wish I would've never went back to him the first time he put his hands on me, now its harder to move on because your self esteem is so low. I am trying to put my kids and myself in counseling. Abuse ruins lives. It will take years to be able to trust again.

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Originally Posted By: Lisa - Natural Living
I just don't understand why the court system in Ohio is so insistent upon the father's rights to see his child when he refuses to pay child support and it obviously has detrimental effects on the child. Some days I would really like to throttle some judges.[Natural Living Editor


I just have to say, I have an aunt who went through a very similar situation a few years ago. My uncle was a silver tongued snake who easily make my aunt look like a hysterical crazy woman and he the poor suffering scmuck her was forced to deal with her.

It took 2.5 years of her dealing with the stupid and biased family court system - making every psych appointment, the kids seeing the Guardian Ad Litem, etc. Everyone was against my aunt and she even was ordered to spend a night in jail for not turning in parenting class verifications that were on the attorney's desk because they though "she needed a night in jail."

2.5 years of hell. It took awhile, but his lies were seen, his deflections caught, his abuses noticed. And in the end, she was given full custody and the jerk moved out of state.

We live in WA. I don't know how we compare to OH, but I think all over the country are family court judges who need to minor in domestic violence before they are qualified to preside over ANY divorce case with children.

Dez


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